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#18072 - 09/07/04 07:44 AM Where to begin
BinMichigan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 18
I just found this site tonight, it has been another night without sleep and I have to do something about my head. While reading this board I shake. I shake tonight as I wrote down what happenned to me. I need to find a counselor in Michigan but I dont know where to begin. I don't want to just open a phone book and pick a counselor. How do I find a reputable counselor? I am terrified to talk to anyone about my childhood, how can I trust a complete stranger?


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#18073 - 09/07/04 09:33 AM Re: Where to begin
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Welcome, B:

Check out http://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/consumer.htm

We also have a list of therapists experienced in male victimization issues on this site.

Good luck
Ken


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#18074 - 09/07/04 10:06 AM Re: Where to begin
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Welcome, BinMichigan,

A few months ago, I was at the same place as you, wondering where to begin. Finding this site was a great help in at least knowing I wasn't so alone in what I've felt all these years.

Like you, I didn't want to just pick someone out of the yellow pages to spill my soul to. I called my state's Psychology Association and asked for recommendations for therapists in my area who deal specifically with sexual abuse. Also, if gender is a concern for you (it was for me), make that known as well and ask for names of only men or women as you prefer.

I'm glad you've found this site, and I know it will help you on your healing journey. Feel free to ask any and all questions here.

_________________________
Eddie

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#18075 - 09/07/04 11:37 AM Re: Where to begin
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
B. A belated welcome. Both Ken and Eddie have made some sound suggestions. B you are not alone remember that. And what happened to you was the worst possible thing that could have happened to you. You will find compassion, caring, friendship and the odd kick in the ass here. But know you are amung friends who have strong supportive shoulders.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#18076 - 09/07/04 01:20 PM Re: Where to begin
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
BM

Welcome to the site.
Hope it can be a source of information and friendship, you know you are not alone in this place,

take care

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#18077 - 09/07/04 03:35 PM Re: Where to begin
BinMichigan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 18
I logged on earlier and spoke with a couple of guys in chat. Everyone here has been so helpful and very welcoming. I think I may have bit off more than I can chew (at one time). Last night I was reduced to a 5 year old boy, scared, alone and defensive. I opened the flood gates of my memory and too much came out for me to handle at once. I am still shaking and it has been over 18 hours since I began writing my experiences down. I found that the problems I am having are common throughout abused males. I have finally calmed down, even though I am still shaking I am 100 percent here. I attempted to go to work this morning and I had a panic attack, something I have never experienced before. Came home abruptly, logged on and chatted. It was the best thing for me. I was ready to bottle it all back up because I could not handle the sheer terror of some of the memories. RJ and FLRich, thank you again for calming me down and the great advice. I dont think I will continue on with my writing and recalls until I am under the care of a psychitrist. I simply can not handle that on my own


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#18078 - 09/07/04 04:58 PM Re: Where to begin
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
BN
I can remember those early days of accepting that I needed help, they weren't good days but here I am 5 years on and doing OK.

It took me 31 years to disclose to anyone, and I chose my wife just before our 25th wedding anniversary, we've just had our 30th.
My biggest fear was that our marriage would end when she discovered what had happened, and what the abuse did to me as an adult.
But she accepted all that. Why? because it wasn't my fault, and whatever problems you're experiencing are most likely linked to your abuse as well.
People accept this, we might not believe that they will, but in most cases they do.

Does it get better?
Yes it does, it's not easy and there's a lot of pain involved, but it does get easier and a good life is perfectly possible.
And you've done the hardest part by disclosing your past, even doing it here lightens the load.
But when we disclose we don't know what's going to happen, and that scares the shit out of us! But again, it's something that gets easier the more we do it.

I always recommend therapy, I had about 4 years 1 to 1 and I attend a group now. And I know 100% that I couldn't have done it without therapy. I tried on my own for 31 years, and that didn't work!
Try and get a therapist that either specializes in, or has good experience, of the special problems Survivors have. We are a difficult bunch of people with wide ranging problems, so we need someone who knows what they're on about.

Until then, stick with us. At MS you'll find terrific support and help, and if you need anything - just ask.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#18079 - 09/07/04 05:15 PM Re: Where to begin
BinMichigan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 18
I thin right now my biggest problem is I have no good emotions. Just fear, anger, rage, guilt, shame and sadness. I dont have any good emotions anymore and I have not for a while. I feel empty, just a void of pain. If I go out of the house (for the last 18 hours) I have panic attacks, if I feel out of my safe zone my heart goes so fast its going to jump out of my chest. This scares me cause I have never had this problem before and I have to work. I have to find something to calm me down more and I dont want it to be narcotic pain killers as I finally kicked those a couple of years ago. I cant seem to calm down enough to leave the house.


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#18080 - 09/07/04 08:10 PM Re: Where to begin
fusionoflove Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/03/04
Posts: 112
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
BinMichigan,

I'm really happy that you've found this site. I think everyone here will agree that it has been a good thing for their recovery. I don't care how long a psychologist has been studying sexual abuse. Until someone has experienced it, they have no clue. That goes for everyone else as well. I do think that you'll find a lot more ppl out there and in here that are willing and able to help you in whatever capacity they can.

Everyone has to get on the road somewhere. You've started my friend. It looks scary right now because you feel all alone. Don't try to sweat it too much. We'll be here whenever you need to ask for directions so to speak. I applaud you, your stronger than what you think. In the meantime, pick up Mike Lew's book, Victims No Longer. It's been really helpful for me.

Take it easy and welcome,

Fusion


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#18081 - 09/07/04 08:35 PM Re: Where to begin
BinMichigan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 18
Well I talked with my wife and she is remarkable. She is not pushing for information, she says whatever I feel comfortable telling her she would be happy with. She says she will support me in anyway she can. Let me tell you I got lucky after all the crap she has put up with me, grouchy, edgy and severely emotionally detached she still is kind and thoughtful. That's true love.

Well I am going to take some sleeping pills so I can maybe actually sleep. I have been up for nearly 40 hours and I am still wired. I hope I can actually make it to work without a panic attack tomorrow.

Again thank you everyone for your acceptance and warm welcomes.
By the way the name is Brian


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#18082 - 09/07/04 08:47 PM Re: Where to begin
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
BinMichigan,

Sounds like you've had a helluva day or two since you first found us here. I hope you do get some restful sleep tonight. People don't know what a blessing that is until they can't have it.

There is a lot of good information in the posts here. There's a lot in just the posts to and from you above this one. Yeah, from you, too, because you've taken that all important first step. That might be just the thing some other guy needs to read when he comes here.

We help each other just by helping ourselves.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#18083 - 09/11/04 09:11 AM Re: Where to begin
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
BinMichigin,

Welcome here. I am sorry that you have had experiences requiring you to find this site, but as usual, I feel very greatful that you have found it.

From what I hear, it can be difficult to find therapists who are good in dealing with us. Many are not familiar with male sexual abuse survivors, and the unique problems and ways we respond to such things, that are different from female victims. I wish you luck in finding one. I was fortunate, the first person I tried turned out to be a very good therapist for me, and I have stayed with her so far.

The journalling and such that you are doing, it is very good idea. But again, it is probably safer when you have a therapist to help guide you, and help you to work through the emotions that will come up from it.

I am glad that your wife has been supportive so far. I have been fortunate, in that everyone I have told of this has been very supportive and not judging at all, except for my mother a bit. I am glad that you have that help already.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#18084 - 09/13/04 01:08 AM Re: Where to begin
BinMichigan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 18
No one knows me, I let no one see what’s inside, what has happened. If they knew they would never come near me. I don’t deserve to live, I am not human, only empty.


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#18085 - 09/13/04 01:20 AM Re: Where to begin
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Quote:
Originally posted by BinMichigan:
No one knows me, I let no one see what’s inside, what has happened. If they knew they would never come near me. I don’t deserve to live, I am not human, only empty.
BinMichigan,

First I'd like to take the opportunity to say hi to you and welcome you to our little community.

It is amazing the power in other people. I held this all in and never said a word for 27 years. Then I couldn't hold it in anymore, it had to come out. I've had a mixed acceptance of letting it out. Those that wanted to hurt me used it against me, to no avail. Even more have been understanding and accept it and there is no shunning as I may have thought. It needed to get out of me and I am glad I did get it out.

Before others can know you, you need to open up to allow others into your life. This isn't an easy process. We have long been trained to do quite the opposite. This makes us lonely, leaves us alone, unless we conciously decide to change that.

You are human, you are a man, you have feelings, and you are hurt. You deserve to live and should do everything possible to live and then to live for the enjoyment life has to offer. It isn't an easy journey, but one that is well worth it.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#18086 - 09/13/04 02:55 AM Re: Where to begin
BinMichigan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 18
What is the point, everytime I remember things I die a little more. Whay keep trying, it just hurts. I just want to be happy but I cant feel any happiness, just paina nd dispair. I am empty, no feelings. What is the point the more I remember the more I wash I had not been born. What good am I? What si the point in prolonging this? Nothing but pain is left for me. I can feel no pleasure.

O have to sleep npw, Xanax is kicking in.


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#18087 - 09/13/04 03:37 AM Re: Where to begin
lee75 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 37
Loc: utah
BinMichigan,

WHILE sometimes i still feel the way you do right now. i used to feel that way all the time. looking back it was a horrid time. i feel much better having gotten a theripist, and going to group. (not sa group but drug and alcohol group).
i dont know if it helps but my sis says im doing much better than i have ever done in my whole life.
lee

_________________________
Lord, i hope this day is good. im feeling empty and misunderstood. i should be thankful, lord, i know i should, but lord, i hope this day is good. DON WILLIAMS

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#18088 - 09/13/04 11:12 AM Re: Where to begin
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Bin you said:

Quote:
What is the point, everytime I remember things I die a little more. Whay keep trying, it just hurts. I just want to be happy but I cant feel any happiness, just paina nd dispair. I am empty, no feelings. What is the point the more I remember the more I wash I had not been born. What good am I? What si the point in prolonging this? Nothing but pain is left for me. I can feel no pleasure
Now let me set something straight for you ok. What happened to you was not your fault ever. No guilt shame or any other of the shit is yours it is you perp's. You got that. Now as you remember things it will fill in the phantom that you have been dealing with. It is much easier to fight back and something that is real in your mind. All of the anger you have is bottled up inside you and directed inwards.

There is a tremendous amount to live for. Yourself your wife just to name two. The question you have to ask yourself is this.

Is it right and fair that those effen perps get off scot fee and you lose. I think the answer to that is not a hard on. By scot free I mean they win and you lose. Bugger them I say. If you do not heal and lead the life you were meant to THEY WIN. Think of that Bin and think hard.

Sure it is not easy to heal. Nothing ever is. It takes guts and determination. You have guts and determination. Why do I know this. Because you have survived and you are here.

Now you know you are not alone and that there are a whole army of strong shoulders to lean on here to support you in this. There are also times when a good swift kick in the ass is delivered. But it comes in the form of a shoulder also. ;\)

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#18089 - 09/13/04 11:19 AM Re: Where to begin
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Binmichigan,

Like the others, I'm sorry you need this site, but I'm glad you found it. There ain't a more caring group of people who will understand what you're going through than the ones right here.

What's the point? What's the point in remembering? Especially when they hurt a little bit more.

A fair question. It's one I ask every single time another Goddamn memory comes back. And it knocks me on my @$$.

It hurts, my friend. It will always hurt. What happened to you was cruel, unjust, unfair, wrong, and evil. it wasn't your fault, ever, and that's what's the worst thing about it.

But, I've found, even when it sucks, getting that piece of me back is getting another piece of my soul that was stolen by those evil, vicious m***********s. So as much as it hurts, it's filling a hole that I made within myself to survive.

The only problem with repressing is that it sets up another cycle of lies. The lies the abuser said to you and made you believe, and the lies you tell yourself to get through it.

You're stronger than that now, my friend. You're stronger than THEM, and it's time to take back what those bastards have stolen from you.

It's a victory over them, to get better, to heal. And every single day you make it is another victory, another F**K YOU, for what they did to you.

I believe you, what you say. It wasn't your fault, ever.

One other thing I sometimes tell the people I meet here is something we should've heard more of. It's overwhelming for some, but when part of those lies they said involve "love," they're talking about the abuse of it. Love that comes with a price.

Well, I love you, my friend. There are no strings attached to that, and I want nothing in return for it.

PM any of the brothers you trust if you need advice, or merely to vent. We all want you well, and I cannot wait to see what you contribute to this site.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#18090 - 09/13/04 02:28 PM Re: Where to begin
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Quote:
Originally posted by BinMichigan:
What is the point, everytime I remember things I die a little more. Whay keep trying, it just hurts. I just want to be happy but I cant feel any happiness, just paina nd dispair. I am empty, no feelings. What is the point the more I remember the more I wash I had not been born. What good am I? What si the point in prolonging this? Nothing but pain is left for me. I can feel no pleasure.

O have to sleep npw, Xanax is kicking in.
Everytime you remember some more you don't die, you take back some more. It hurts, I know it does, but that hurt is feeling and the hurt part of it will dimenish and be replaced with some of the joy that does surround you. Keep trying, every one of those terrible memories you work through you cleanse a lot of the pain away and open up to some more happiness and the ability to see more of the joy.
As a person you are worth so much, it is immeasurable. Right now you are depressed and are having a difficult time seeing the good and joy that surrounds each of our lives. I know I have down that several times. But you know what, it is there. As soon as you can find the strength in yourself to see it and grab a hold of it. It isn't a pleasant journey, but the rewards for taking it are immensly rich.
Talk to me when you want. I've been in that hole.

Take care,
Bill your fellow Michiganian.

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#18091 - 09/13/04 05:33 PM Re: Where to begin
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Brian
many Survivors say "it gets worse before it gets better!" - and I agree with that statement, even though it only tells part of the story.

When we make a decision to "do something" about the problems that the abuse has created in our lives we sign up for a process that's competely unknown to us, and unless we come to somewhere like MS, use a local support group or read some of the many good books, we also think we're the only people in the world who feel like we do, and that scared the shit out of me!
Talking to another Survivor for the first time helped change all that, I discovered that we had many things in common, and he felt the same as I did about so many things. For the first time I wasn't alone in the world according to abusers.

Like you, my wife reacted with love and understanding, and that was something I had some trouble accepting. I also thought that because I was so dirty, disgusting and used that nobody would ever want anything to do with ever again. How wrong I was!

The flood of emotions we experience when we take on this task of reclaiming our lives is as alien as it it confusing. We have NOTHING to compare it to.
I certainly spent over 30 years holding my emotions back, denying them and avoiding them. But for us to regain the life we deserve, and IS possible, we need to give our emotions freedom to surface, we need to share them with those we love.
It's not easy, I never kid anyone that what we do is easy, in fact it's bloody difficult - especially in the beginning.

But ask me "is it worth this effort?" then I'll also tell you the truth -"Yes it is!"

Take care Brian
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#18092 - 09/18/04 02:29 AM Re: Where to begin
BinMichigan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 18
I was feeling a little better now. In a T session and I got to talk to myself when I was young (sounds crazy). That was terrifying, I never relised how scared and beaten down I was as a kid. I wish i could beat the F**ckers down who did these things to me as a kid. I cant trust anyone, not even my Therapist. I had to keep my eyes closed so I did not have to look him in the eyes. We never get into any specifics as at all, but this exercise is "talking" to myself when I was little scared the crap out of me. It feels like all progress has been lost, I feel like i am five again. Hopeless and helpless with no one to protect me. I remember this from the session "Everyone who was supposed to protect me hurts me. I cant rely on anyone, I wish I was invisible. I want to run away, iam boy not something to be played with and tossed aside. WHy in the hell cant they leave me alone. let me be a kid for Gods sake! LEAVE ME ALONE, it hurts too much I cant do this. This is not right, dont touch me there, dont do that, just stop please."

Mean while back to my adult self, i have completely broken down. I cant deal with anything. I went to bed at 5:30 and had nightmares and cant sleep. Looks like another Xanax night.


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#18093 - 09/18/04 01:50 PM Re: Where to begin
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
((((((((((((BinMichigan))))))))))))

I wish, God, I wish there was something I could do or say that will make this easier. I can't. What I can do is tell you again that you aren't alone. Not anymore.

Yes, you deserved to be a child. You also deserve to be loved and understood for who you are now. And you are, by me and the other brothers on the site.

With time, which is the frustrating thing about all this, it will become easier to deal with. Pain, someone once told me, is like a big rock you have to carry. It seems so heavy, but when we learn to deal with it, we become strongere. The rock isn;t as heavy anymore. And we learn to heal.

Whenever you need someone, we're here. PM me or one of the others here you trust.

Peace and love, my friend.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#18094 - 09/18/04 02:11 PM Re: Where to begin
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Quote:
Originally posted by BinMichigan:
In a T session and I got to talk to myself when I was young (sounds crazy). That was terrifying, I never relised how scared and beaten down I was as a kid.
B - Doesn't sound crazy at all, and yes it does sound terrifying. I can't imagine how painful that was. I know that that's something I can't do right now myself, I'm terrified at the thought of having to connect with myself as a young child again. Mainly because I know how painful it would be. I look at pictures of myself as a child and am still emotionally distant from that person. You're a strong person, man, and I salute you for that.

Quote:
Looks like another Xanax night.
Xanax is good for calming the nerves, I take it myself, generally every other day or so. Meds are there for when we need them, so take good care of yourself and use them if you need them.

_________________________
Eddie

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#18095 - 09/18/04 05:03 PM Re: Where to begin
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Brian
It might sound like patronizing bullshit, but many of us have been where you are now, and we got through it.

At this early stage we expect results - quickly! we've lived for many years with the mixed up memories, and then we've made this HUGE decision to do something about it. Then all of a sudden - we feel ten times worse than we did when we were doing nothing about it. And that just doesn't seem right.

But think carefully about what's going on.
Suddenly you are looking at your childhood and your life right up to the present day in a different way, you've gone from doing nothing to doing something.
If you're anything like myself, and the rest of the guys who go through this, you're suddenly confronted with emotions - new emotions, and we don't know how to deal with them. We never learned this stuff as kids, we learned something else - all bad!
You say that your wife is going to support you, which is terrific, but I bet you doubted that before you told her what had happened to you? I certainly did, even after 25 years of marriage.
That's another scary emotion to deal with - someone STILL loves and trusts you!

I would hazard a guess that it isn't the past abuse that's upsetting you so much, but the future.
You're present and future are going to change, dramatically. And that's very unsettling and frightening.
What we are doing when we heal is very complex in many respects, not only are we coming to terms with our pasts, but at the same time we're shaping our futures.

Is it worth it? YES, is it hard? YES.

Brian, use your support, tell your wife how you feel, tell your therapist your deepest, darkest fears, come here and talk about different ideas that you have.
We can't do it alone, and you're NOT alone.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#18096 - 09/18/04 10:36 PM Re: Where to begin
BinMichigan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 18
Thank you everyone for your help, I seem to have real good and real bad nights. Last night was really bad, but I wonder if my T should have taken that step when I have only seen him twice? It through me for a loop.

I slept most of today, I do that alot lately. Tomorrow I have to work which means I will have to face others again. I can only thank God for giving me such a good wife, she is being so supportive. I have to admit the first time I told I thought for sure she would never see me the same again and she would look down on me, but that was not the case.

I appreciate all of your help, its is so good to know I am not alone, because most of myh life I have felt alone, scare and like I dont even deserve to exist.


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#18097 - 09/19/04 08:03 PM Re: Where to begin
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Brian
all that hard emotional work does make you tired, but then you can't sleep because your mind's in freakin' overdrive!

But you're never alone here.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#18098 - 09/27/04 03:36 AM Re: Where to begin
BinMichigan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 18
I freaked out and could not go back to my therapist. The little talk to myself as a kid thing is too much, I got outside his office, started shaking and blacked out, fell down the stairs. Went to the hospital, nothing bad, WTF is going on with me, is my body tring to hide this so bad it is trying to stop me from going to the therapist????

I dont know how to tell my T that it affected me this bad and now I dont want to even go.


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#18099 - 09/27/04 08:33 AM Re: Where to begin
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Quote:
Originally posted by BinMichigan:
I freaked out and could not go back to my therapist. The little talk to myself as a kid thing is too much, I got outside his office, started shaking and blacked out, fell down the stairs. Went to the hospital, nothing bad, WTF is going on with me, is my body tring to hide this so bad it is trying to stop me from going to the therapist????

I dont know how to tell my T that it affected me this bad and now I dont want to even go.
There is nothing to be ashamed of. Tell him the truth. Being open and honest is the way you will get the most out of therapy. Yeah it is tough and feels like shit, but you do start to feel better. My ex-wife asked me why I kept going to therapy when I would come back all pissed off, my response was it helped. Yeah I was pissed, it is an ordeal to go through. The sessions that take the most out of you are the ones that you get the most out of.

Take care B,
Bill
your fellow Michiganian (I perferred Michigander)

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#18100 - 07/31/05 02:51 AM Re: Where to begin
BinMichigan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 18
I cant handle recovery, I tried, really did but I cant do it. It nearly destroyed my life.


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#18101 - 07/31/05 03:43 AM Re: Where to begin
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
BinMichigan,

It is not uncommen for things to get worse before they get better. But everyone must do what they must do for what is best for them. Perhaps 'recovery' isn't right for you right now. It is a timing issue, and we must all do what is right for us, when it is right for us. I wish you well and good luck.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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