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#18082 - 09/07/04 08:47 PM Re: Where to begin
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
BinMichigan,

Sounds like you've had a helluva day or two since you first found us here. I hope you do get some restful sleep tonight. People don't know what a blessing that is until they can't have it.

There is a lot of good information in the posts here. There's a lot in just the posts to and from you above this one. Yeah, from you, too, because you've taken that all important first step. That might be just the thing some other guy needs to read when he comes here.

We help each other just by helping ourselves.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#18083 - 09/11/04 09:11 AM Re: Where to begin
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
BinMichigin,

Welcome here. I am sorry that you have had experiences requiring you to find this site, but as usual, I feel very greatful that you have found it.

From what I hear, it can be difficult to find therapists who are good in dealing with us. Many are not familiar with male sexual abuse survivors, and the unique problems and ways we respond to such things, that are different from female victims. I wish you luck in finding one. I was fortunate, the first person I tried turned out to be a very good therapist for me, and I have stayed with her so far.

The journalling and such that you are doing, it is very good idea. But again, it is probably safer when you have a therapist to help guide you, and help you to work through the emotions that will come up from it.

I am glad that your wife has been supportive so far. I have been fortunate, in that everyone I have told of this has been very supportive and not judging at all, except for my mother a bit. I am glad that you have that help already.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#18084 - 09/13/04 01:08 AM Re: Where to begin
BinMichigan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 18
No one knows me, I let no one see what’s inside, what has happened. If they knew they would never come near me. I don’t deserve to live, I am not human, only empty.


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#18085 - 09/13/04 01:20 AM Re: Where to begin
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Quote:
Originally posted by BinMichigan:
No one knows me, I let no one see what’s inside, what has happened. If they knew they would never come near me. I don’t deserve to live, I am not human, only empty.
BinMichigan,

First I'd like to take the opportunity to say hi to you and welcome you to our little community.

It is amazing the power in other people. I held this all in and never said a word for 27 years. Then I couldn't hold it in anymore, it had to come out. I've had a mixed acceptance of letting it out. Those that wanted to hurt me used it against me, to no avail. Even more have been understanding and accept it and there is no shunning as I may have thought. It needed to get out of me and I am glad I did get it out.

Before others can know you, you need to open up to allow others into your life. This isn't an easy process. We have long been trained to do quite the opposite. This makes us lonely, leaves us alone, unless we conciously decide to change that.

You are human, you are a man, you have feelings, and you are hurt. You deserve to live and should do everything possible to live and then to live for the enjoyment life has to offer. It isn't an easy journey, but one that is well worth it.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#18086 - 09/13/04 02:55 AM Re: Where to begin
BinMichigan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/07/04
Posts: 18
What is the point, everytime I remember things I die a little more. Whay keep trying, it just hurts. I just want to be happy but I cant feel any happiness, just paina nd dispair. I am empty, no feelings. What is the point the more I remember the more I wash I had not been born. What good am I? What si the point in prolonging this? Nothing but pain is left for me. I can feel no pleasure.

O have to sleep npw, Xanax is kicking in.


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#18087 - 09/13/04 03:37 AM Re: Where to begin
lee75 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 37
Loc: utah
BinMichigan,

WHILE sometimes i still feel the way you do right now. i used to feel that way all the time. looking back it was a horrid time. i feel much better having gotten a theripist, and going to group. (not sa group but drug and alcohol group).
i dont know if it helps but my sis says im doing much better than i have ever done in my whole life.
lee

_________________________
Lord, i hope this day is good. im feeling empty and misunderstood. i should be thankful, lord, i know i should, but lord, i hope this day is good. DON WILLIAMS

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#18088 - 09/13/04 11:12 AM Re: Where to begin
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Bin you said:

Quote:
What is the point, everytime I remember things I die a little more. Whay keep trying, it just hurts. I just want to be happy but I cant feel any happiness, just paina nd dispair. I am empty, no feelings. What is the point the more I remember the more I wash I had not been born. What good am I? What si the point in prolonging this? Nothing but pain is left for me. I can feel no pleasure
Now let me set something straight for you ok. What happened to you was not your fault ever. No guilt shame or any other of the shit is yours it is you perp's. You got that. Now as you remember things it will fill in the phantom that you have been dealing with. It is much easier to fight back and something that is real in your mind. All of the anger you have is bottled up inside you and directed inwards.

There is a tremendous amount to live for. Yourself your wife just to name two. The question you have to ask yourself is this.

Is it right and fair that those effen perps get off scot fee and you lose. I think the answer to that is not a hard on. By scot free I mean they win and you lose. Bugger them I say. If you do not heal and lead the life you were meant to THEY WIN. Think of that Bin and think hard.

Sure it is not easy to heal. Nothing ever is. It takes guts and determination. You have guts and determination. Why do I know this. Because you have survived and you are here.

Now you know you are not alone and that there are a whole army of strong shoulders to lean on here to support you in this. There are also times when a good swift kick in the ass is delivered. But it comes in the form of a shoulder also. ;\)

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#18089 - 09/13/04 11:19 AM Re: Where to begin
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Binmichigan,

Like the others, I'm sorry you need this site, but I'm glad you found it. There ain't a more caring group of people who will understand what you're going through than the ones right here.

What's the point? What's the point in remembering? Especially when they hurt a little bit more.

A fair question. It's one I ask every single time another Goddamn memory comes back. And it knocks me on my @$$.

It hurts, my friend. It will always hurt. What happened to you was cruel, unjust, unfair, wrong, and evil. it wasn't your fault, ever, and that's what's the worst thing about it.

But, I've found, even when it sucks, getting that piece of me back is getting another piece of my soul that was stolen by those evil, vicious m***********s. So as much as it hurts, it's filling a hole that I made within myself to survive.

The only problem with repressing is that it sets up another cycle of lies. The lies the abuser said to you and made you believe, and the lies you tell yourself to get through it.

You're stronger than that now, my friend. You're stronger than THEM, and it's time to take back what those bastards have stolen from you.

It's a victory over them, to get better, to heal. And every single day you make it is another victory, another F**K YOU, for what they did to you.

I believe you, what you say. It wasn't your fault, ever.

One other thing I sometimes tell the people I meet here is something we should've heard more of. It's overwhelming for some, but when part of those lies they said involve "love," they're talking about the abuse of it. Love that comes with a price.

Well, I love you, my friend. There are no strings attached to that, and I want nothing in return for it.

PM any of the brothers you trust if you need advice, or merely to vent. We all want you well, and I cannot wait to see what you contribute to this site.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#18090 - 09/13/04 02:28 PM Re: Where to begin
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Quote:
Originally posted by BinMichigan:
What is the point, everytime I remember things I die a little more. Whay keep trying, it just hurts. I just want to be happy but I cant feel any happiness, just paina nd dispair. I am empty, no feelings. What is the point the more I remember the more I wash I had not been born. What good am I? What si the point in prolonging this? Nothing but pain is left for me. I can feel no pleasure.

O have to sleep npw, Xanax is kicking in.
Everytime you remember some more you don't die, you take back some more. It hurts, I know it does, but that hurt is feeling and the hurt part of it will dimenish and be replaced with some of the joy that does surround you. Keep trying, every one of those terrible memories you work through you cleanse a lot of the pain away and open up to some more happiness and the ability to see more of the joy.
As a person you are worth so much, it is immeasurable. Right now you are depressed and are having a difficult time seeing the good and joy that surrounds each of our lives. I know I have down that several times. But you know what, it is there. As soon as you can find the strength in yourself to see it and grab a hold of it. It isn't a pleasant journey, but the rewards for taking it are immensly rich.
Talk to me when you want. I've been in that hole.

Take care,
Bill your fellow Michiganian.

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#18091 - 09/13/04 05:33 PM Re: Where to begin
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Brian
many Survivors say "it gets worse before it gets better!" - and I agree with that statement, even though it only tells part of the story.

When we make a decision to "do something" about the problems that the abuse has created in our lives we sign up for a process that's competely unknown to us, and unless we come to somewhere like MS, use a local support group or read some of the many good books, we also think we're the only people in the world who feel like we do, and that scared the shit out of me!
Talking to another Survivor for the first time helped change all that, I discovered that we had many things in common, and he felt the same as I did about so many things. For the first time I wasn't alone in the world according to abusers.

Like you, my wife reacted with love and understanding, and that was something I had some trouble accepting. I also thought that because I was so dirty, disgusting and used that nobody would ever want anything to do with ever again. How wrong I was!

The flood of emotions we experience when we take on this task of reclaiming our lives is as alien as it it confusing. We have NOTHING to compare it to.
I certainly spent over 30 years holding my emotions back, denying them and avoiding them. But for us to regain the life we deserve, and IS possible, we need to give our emotions freedom to surface, we need to share them with those we love.
It's not easy, I never kid anyone that what we do is easy, in fact it's bloody difficult - especially in the beginning.

But ask me "is it worth this effort?" then I'll also tell you the truth -"Yes it is!"

Take care Brian
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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