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#180510 - 09/16/07 12:04 AM feeling sneaky
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
The last few nights i have been chatting online(we have known each other for about a year or so and before i met lisa who is my wife to be) with someone i met through IM instant messenging and i asked and she showed me some pics of her naked and very provocative.

I dont see any harm in this although i cant do it again afterall it's not fair to my honey.

I'm sure i am being a little analitic therefore making it more then it needs to be.

I do however watch porn and lisa has mentioned she has no problem with this yet i do this....i am so turned on by any sexual content and find myself(like i did the last few nights)trapped and could not pull myself away and stop this behavior.

What do i do to stop this

what can i do so i can avoiding hurting my fiancee

i know the abuse has alot to do with it yet i also know it's wrong

what am i to do now that i have thrown myself out here in this forum

i feel like a hypacrite

i feel sneaky


i feel like i'm lying to myself


i need help not so much with whether or not i am wrong but that i feel trapped and felt as though i could not pull myself away from pulling myself awayt from this shit...

i could very well be making excuses to justify this behavior

i could very well be seeing this as no big deal

i tld me therapist about it and the behavior she was not happy per se

i feel like a fuckin phonie at the moment and wracked with guilt....


Coopstah

PS: please look at this for the big picture not the picture sharing this woman did with me....

am i a cheat...who knows maybe i am not meant to be free from the abusive behavior afterall i tend to keep going after it

like that vicious cycle that only gets worse with more self defeating behavior

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#180568 - 09/16/07 10:47 AM Re: feeling sneaky [Re: thecoopstah]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Hi Coopstah,

I feel that there are many ways that we can be "not faithful" to our partners. If it's something that you would not share with your fiance then it's probably not anything that is healthy for you or your relationship. Right from the beginning I felt like my husbands drinking and drinking lifestyle was the same as if he had a lover - it was a part of his world that I could not and would not have any part of. He brought something into our marriage that he loved more than me and because of that, he was not faithful to me. Does that make sense????

As far as the porn goes, I'm sure you know that it is an addiction to some people. I woke up many times in the middle of the night to find my husband watching porn on the TV in the bedroom as he was laying next to me, I won't say that he was addicted - although he has an addictive personality, but it made me feel dirty.

The good news is that you are activly working on your recovery, so don't beat yourself up over all of this - work through it.

Personally I think you should break all contact with that woman, remove the temptation especially because a line has been crossed with her and theres no turning back. Don't create a world that your fiance can't be a part of.

It's apparent that you love your fiance, focus your energy on her.

Your in my thoughts,
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#180604 - 09/16/07 02:39 PM Re: feeling sneaky [Re: savemyfam]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
thank you and i have made my mind up to STOP it altogether it's not worth all the pain i can cause myself and her therefore i will in fact break all contact with her.....i love lisa to much to do such a thing.


Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#180606 - 09/16/07 03:00 PM Re: feeling sneaky [Re: thecoopstah]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Be strong Coop, you can do it!


peace
Beccy


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#180663 - 09/16/07 07:36 PM Re: feeling sneaky [Re: beccy]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
The only thing i can do that's within my control is to stop the behavior otherwise more then myself will be hurt as a result of my selfishness in which i am not a selfish man.

I've been told many times i am a pretty strong and courageous guy therefore i need to take the advice of others ....I MUST STAY AWAY AND BREAK ALL CONTACT with this person.



Coopstah

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#180670 - 09/16/07 08:00 PM Re: feeling sneaky [Re: thecoopstah]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
Coop,

What I was suggesting in your other post was for you to try to figure out why you felt the need to have this type of relationship with this woman. Simply stopping and not knowing may allow it to happen again later. Also if it is about something that you are missing in the relationship you are in with your fiancee then you may be able to find away to fill that gap with her.

Take care

Brokensoul


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#180735 - 09/17/07 09:41 AM Re: feeling sneaky [Re: brokensoul]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
Well it was not so much what i was missing so much as it had to do with the curisoty therefore i have made the decision to cut all ties to this woman because otherwise i could really hurt lisa and i love her to much to do such a thing not to mention i know all about being hurt and having my heart broken.She does not deserve that.

Coopstah

PS: thank you so much for your insight and your perspective is right on...... \:\)

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#180749 - 09/17/07 10:09 AM Re: feeling sneaky [Re: thecoopstah]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Coopstah -

Good for you! I am so glad that you are not going to go down (or stay on) a slippery slope. For me, the litmus test is "1) Would this be something I would share with my 18 year old daughter or 2) Would I feel comfortable with her doing?" if the answer to either one of those is "No" I stay away.

I would not want to tell her I received nude pictures of a women I met on the Internet nor would I want her sending nude pictures of herself to a man she met on the Internet.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#180774 - 09/17/07 12:19 PM Re: feeling sneaky [Re: kellygtx]
Wife Supporter Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/26/07
Posts: 23
Loc: UK
Dear Coopstah,
When i first read your post I felt really upset, because my husband did a similar thing and I found out by accident and it gutted me, I though OMG how do I reply in a sympathetic manner when I feel so angry.
But then I read your further posts and realised that this is so sad because you are doing something that you don't want but can't help and it's very obvious you love your partner just as I know for certain my husband loves me.
Me and my husband worked things out eventually but it took me a long time to get over the issue, not the fact of what he wanted to do (although I didn't and don't want him to do it) but that he was doing something which I didn't know about, the secrecy really got to me.
You've obviously already decided that its not the way to go but please try talking to your gf, maybe you can't tell her everything but you could say I have these issues please help me through this, we really appreciate being let in on your struggles and if your gf has been through any of the struggles like I have, which Im sure she has this will be a piece of cake!!!,
also I find when my H talks about something which he is obsessing over it goes away and he kicks himself for not saying anything earlier.
I think kelly's post above is excellant and a good way to ground yourself - a logic which I think we can apply to anything and everything.


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