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#180499 - 09/15/07 09:23 PM A little advice please
little_leo816 Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/15/07
Posts: 3
Loc: New York
My boyfriend of two and a half years was molested as a child and has serious trust issues. as a result he hardly ever opens up to me, is there anything i can do to help him learn to trust again?


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#180500 - 09/15/07 09:40 PM Re: A little advice please [Re: little_leo816]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6358
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Your bf needs help to deal with all aspects of it. If he's willing to deal with it all, have him get into therapy with someone who knows how to deal with childhood trauma.

I STRONGLY suggest you get him a copy of Victims No Longer, writen by Mike Lew. The book is amazing for many of us.

If you want, you can also direct him to this site. Here, he can quickly learn how NOT alone he is.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

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#180502 - 09/15/07 10:09 PM Re: A little advice please [Re: little_leo816]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Are you sure you're up to the heartache and loneliness of living your life with a survivor? Ask any of the wives and partners here how rough it can be.

I'm not necessarily trying to discourage you, but suggesting that you go into this with some knowledge of what you're up against if he does not choose to go down the recovery path. It cannot be forced on him or engineered by yourself or any other person. The decision is his alone.

Robbie has suggested one of the best possible books for you to read. There are also books specifically for partners of abuse survivors. Have a look at our Bookstore. There are titles there for survivors as well as family and friends of survivors. Check out the various subrooms by clicking the links in the left column. The room is powered by Amazon.com and you can purchase the books right there in our bookroom via the Amazon Website.

I truly wish you well. The best possible thing for you to do right now is a lot of reading as well as interacting here and perhaps with a therapist who specializes in men who were sexually abused as boys. He/she can shed a lot of lite on your journey if you choose to walk that path. If you do, your bf is fortunate to have you in his corner, but remember, you cannot do the work for him.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#180518 - 09/16/07 12:46 AM Re: A little advice please [Re: WalkingSouth]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

"If the man you Love was Abused" by Marie Browne and Marlene Browne

"Survivors and Partners' by Paul Hansen

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#180528 - 09/16/07 01:57 AM Re: A little advice please [Re: Frog]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
little_leo816,

I have said this before and will keep saying it every time a loved one of a abuse victim steps up asking how they can help. The strongest proof of true love is staying by the side of someone that has been abused.

Robbie,John and Frog Have all given great advice. I would just add to help him realize that he is not alone. He needs to know that sexual assault on males happens more often then most think. He also needs to know it is not his fault no matter what happened.

You should know that for some survivors learning to trust again can take a long time I'm sure many of the wives and girlfriends here will tell you how much it can hurt to wait till it happens. There will most likely be other issues that will come up as well. So make sure that you get some support for yourself to help to stay strong.

Take care.

Broken soul


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#180562 - 09/16/07 10:10 AM Re: A little advice please [Re: WalkingSouth]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
"Are you sure you're up to the heartache and loneliness of living your life with a survivor? Ask any of the wives and partners here how rough it can be.

I'm not necessarily trying to discourage you, but suggesting that you go into this with some knowledge of what you're up against if he does not choose to go down the recovery path. It cannot be forced on him or engineered by yourself or any other person. The decision is his alone.

but remember, you cannot do the work for him."


It may not be what you want to hear, but John is absolutely correct. You need to make an informed decision about your situation, especially if your boyfriend is not facing his issues.

The trust issues will never go away without therapy, in fact they just get worse. My husband has never faced his CSA and his trust issues went from being irritating to being downright stiffeling. If I walked in the door 5 minutes late from work, he was convinced that I was late because I met my boyfriend and at the end of our relationship became very vocal in front of our sons about this.

If your boyfriend is willing to get help, be supportive. But again, John is a very wise man - you cannot do the work for your boyfriend, he has to take the steps towards recovery. You can't fix him.

I'm sorry that your going through this, it's unfair and it sucks but you deserve to live a happy and healthy life and unless your boyfriend gets the help that he needs, that probably won't happen with him.

Your in my thoughts,
Angie



Edited by savemyfam (09/16/07 10:11 AM)
_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#181286 - 09/19/07 09:02 PM Re: A little advice please [Re: savemyfam]
little_leo816 Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/15/07
Posts: 3
Loc: New York
thank you everyone for your honesty, its nice to know that i'm not alone and that people care. i know its gonna be a long, hard road but i am in this for the long haul. i love my bf, we both agree that if we were older we'd get married.
i know he wants to go back to being the fearless person he was before his abuse, but i question whether or not that's possible.


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