I am ready to fuckin lose it.The last few months have been real hard emotionally on me with my fiancee's aunt (who by the way i want to cut up into little bitty peices)and how she's acted towards myself as a result of the remarks she makes to lisa, SO MUCH in lisa and i and the life we're building together.
Her aunt is cruel,a fuckin coward,selfish,self absorbed self righteous spineless @#$%....Anyway she disrepsects lisa to no end thinks it's ok and no one can say anything.I've done alot of thinking as to how i want to make some form of peace between she and i well this is now not possible.
I left her a card on her kitchen table essentially doing what AA has shown me by example ..."what role did i play" in this and i hate this woman with every fiber of my being yet lisa allows and puts up with her being treated like yesterdays trash i am fed up with it.
On her way(lisa that is) out the door from work(sandy is lisa's secratary she (her aunt) hands lisa a card telling her to give it to me and quite frankly after i read it i wanted to choke the life out of her.
The card had virtually everything to do with why i am the bad guy ,i am the one who has issues and all sandy(aunt) wants for lisa is to be happy.
She has no clue in that the card she gave me said nothing about how i'm effected by her actions and hurtful comments to lisa.
So yesterday i felt as though i was that little kid who tried to make ammends and look beyond our differences and kicked in the face.
I hurt over this and last night at dinner i broke down and started crying because once again i felt like i did something wrong,i was the scapegoat blah blah blah....i flipped out and ripped sandy apart(verbally) and lisa was horrified and i could not sleep last night,i tossed and turned and festered over what i felt like and still feel the same way this morning.
I'm so tired and fed up with trying to always be the peacemaker because it's "the right thing to do".......fuck that and fuck her...i really want to hurt this woman ( although i won't because i'll lose my freedom)
I'm so filled with utter disgust that i'm now suffering from no appetite and the last thing i think about before i get in bed is sandy and the first thing i think about is sandy when i open my eyes.
I'm at my breaking point and i have no idea what to do,not to mention i have to deal with her afterll i'm marrying her neice therefore how do i simply keep my mouth shut,how can i let this rage i feel inside go,is there anything i can do,i tried to make things at least civil between us.Sandy does not even see what she is doing to others by her actions yet lisa just goes along like nothing is wrong and everything will go away with time.
A smal part of me does not want "this" anymore i can't deal with the stress it's putting on lisa and i and our life because sandy thinks she has no right to be called to the fuckin carpet due to what she says to others,lisa especially.
I'm done fuckin rambling i need some help and MAYBE,PERHAPS things will get better with she and i but i really want no part of her although if i walk away from lisa i know she'll get over it and move on with her life i am really unsure what to do,what i can say...is there anyone who can see my conflicting feelings because i know if i do say something it will only pull lisa in to it and she does not deserve this.
Please help me before i ultimately hurt this woman,please understand the little boy in me and by extension the adult as well does not like tension and it will always be there if i can't put it to bed so to speak.
How do i let it go.
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "