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#179683 - 09/11/07 03:27 PM terror or humiliation - triggers?
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
i hate this. partial memory - i can see only a glimpse. i know i'm being held down. i know my brother's there and everyone's laughing at me. and i know my clothes are being removed.

but to get any closer and i am filled with terror all over again. i am actually getting out of my chair as if to run away. i've tried staying calm, talking to myself, and to Young Mark with reassurance.

two emotions are rampant during this. terror and humiliation. and both are off the scale. but if i try to "look" any closer, suddenly it's like the memory isn't there. fogged over. complete disassociation i know. and i know this means Young Mark isn't ready to go there yet.

but why then does this partial memory keep surfacing? why am i plagued with something my own mind refuses to admit???

i hate this.


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#179878 - 09/12/07 02:47 PM Re: terror or humiliation - triggers? [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
i really do hate this
gah
i need a word stronger than 'hate'


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#179885 - 09/12/07 03:27 PM Re: terror or humiliation - triggers? [Re: MarkK]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11179
Loc: Denver, CO
Despise, abhor, loathe...?

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#179888 - 09/12/07 03:52 PM Re: terror or humiliation - triggers? [Re: FormerTexan]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Thanx, Andy. I think part of the reason I can't find a single word is so much of this emotion is a boiling rage just seething under that hate.

I just know I'm tired.

M


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#179893 - 09/12/07 04:30 PM Re: terror or humiliation - triggers? [Re: MarkK]
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Mark make sure that the boiling rage is directed where it belongs and not inwards as we so often do.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#179894 - 09/12/07 04:32 PM Re: terror or humiliation - triggers? [Re: Mike Church]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
i don't know where else to point it!
i'm the one remembering JUST ENOUGH to bring the anxiety and panic
i'm the one who won't remember WHO

\:\(


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#179895 - 09/12/07 04:41 PM Re: terror or humiliation - triggers? [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
yanno what
i don't think it matters anyway

sorry


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#179896 - 09/12/07 04:55 PM Re: terror or humiliation - triggers? [Re: MarkK]
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Mark it really does matter. Can I make a suggestion??

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
#179897 - 09/12/07 04:59 PM Re: terror or humiliation - triggers? [Re: Mike Church]
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I have suggested this to others and it seems to help. but you need some help to do it. Get a baseball bat, preferably aluminum and some heavy gloves. Take it and a friend you trust into the bush someplace. Pick a nice big tree and start whacking it with the baseball bat. I know it will feel stupid at first but the anger will come with each swing. Just maybe you will get a breakthrough.

the reason for the friend is to let anyone else who happens along know that you are not some sort of crazy bat murderer.

The tree will understand.
I did this once and it helped me a whole lot.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
#179950 - 09/12/07 11:11 PM Re: terror or humiliation - triggers? [Re: Mike Church]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
had a therapist do the foam bat - pillow - type thing. i couldn't swing it once. he also tried to get me to yell or scream - also couldn't do it.

the trees here are safe


m


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