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#179864 - 09/12/07 01:10 PM The Parents Rant *very triggering*
memoryjogger Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/10/07
Posts: 7
Loc: VA
I am so pissed right now I can't see straight.

I generally get along with them. My mother in law is a little noisy but that seems to be a stock mother in law trait. However, had a conversation with them last night about about husband's abuse and it was BAD.

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY NOT HAVE A CLUE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?

HOW MANY YEARS OF ACTING OUT DOES IT TAKE UNTIL THEY NOTICE SOMETHING?

I AM SO SICK OF THEM PASSING HIM OVER FOR HIS PLANS. FUCKING DREAMCRUSHERS. THE ABUSE WASN'T THEIR FAULT BUT THE WAY THEY MADE HIM FEEL LIKE EVERY DREAM WAS UNREALISTIC KILLED HIS SPIRIT. NO WONDER HE'S SO DEAD INSIDE.

HOW CAN YOU LIVE UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS SOMEONE AND BE SO OBLIVIOUS TO THEM? FROM A YOUNG AGE HE WAS CRYING OUT FOR ATTENTION AND THERE WAS NO ONE THERE FOR HIM.

THEY THINK THEY'RE ALL SUPPORTIVE BUT ALL THEY REALLY CARE ABOUT IS FOR HIM TO ACT NORMAL SO THEY WON'T HAVE TO EXCUSE HIS BEHAVIOR TO OTHER PEOPLE.

FUCK THEM FOR NEVER BACKING HIM UP AND ALLOWING HIM TO FEEL LIKE HE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH. NO WONDER HE DIDN'T TELL THEM WHEN HE WAS MOLESTED.

I DON'T THINK I CAN TALK TO THEM AND POLITELY DEAL WITH THEIR CONDESCENDING ATTITUDES ANYMORE. AND IT PISSES ME OFF BECAUSE OTHER THAN THIS, I REALLY DO LIKE THEM.

I'M SURE THEY FEEL LIKE FAILURES AS PARENTS AFTER KNOWING ABOUT WHAT HIS UNCLE DID TO HIM. ON ONE HAND, I DON'T WANT THEM TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, I HOPE IT TORTURES THEM.

AND IF THAT MAKES ME A BITCH, THEN SO BE IT.

memoryjogger


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#179866 - 09/12/07 01:26 PM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: memoryjogger]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Bitch, Bitch Bitch - feels good huh? Bitch all day, bitch all night if you want to! It's not an unwarranted bitch, therefore, it isn't bad and it doesn't make you bad either. When you're ready, you'll take a deep breathe and you'll deal and you'll do what's right for yourself and your family.

So.........

BITCH ON.............Trish ;\)

B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL OF
H - HERSELF


_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#179953 - 09/12/07 11:15 PM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: Trish4850]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

B- Boys
I- I'm
T- Taking
C- CONTROL
H- HERE

FUCK THEM...I'm in the same boat as your man...FUCK MY PARENTS...
DREAM "KILLERS" more like it...non-supportive FUCKS...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#179961 - 09/13/07 12:41 AM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: Frog]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
I have pretty conflicting feelings about my in-law as well. Oblivious is the word that about sums them up. At matter fact, memoryjogger's post sounds a lot like our situation.

*edited*

I would never roll my eyes at my kid's hopes or sigh when they share their goals in life. Sometimes it's not even the clearly unsupportive words that hurt as badly as the absence of direction. I think of Mr. Bennett in Sense & Sensibility and how his indifference and lack of guidance was almost the ruin of his family. And unfortunately, we don't all have a Mr. Darcy to rescue us.

My husband has little compassion or empathy. No wonder. They taught him with their actions that no matter what he wanted in life, the only option they would support would be the safe, easy, and steady choice that kept him close to home.

Sometimes the realization that there are so many people out there who never got the validation or acceptance they needed just overwhelms me. I see all the horrible atrocities in this world and it just makes me sick. What's the point, you know.

And then I see my kids. And I know... It's to make it better for them, to equip them, educate them to be the kind of men and women who won't continue these cycles of abuse, degradation and emotional paralysis. And not just our kids...but all the people in our lives that really love us and care about us.

I'm so sorry you can't get what you (or your partner) needs from parents. Right now I'm once again having to steer clear of family who trigger my husband. But I could care less about them right now because my husband is who my focus is on and they have no idea what we are going through. I guess it's hard to expect someone else to understand what hell is like when they've spent their oblivous little lives decorating houses and buying cars and "moving up in the world."

I know it's easy to say place them outside your boundary, and doing that takes a lot of energy. It's painful to have to draw that line. But everyone here will draw you in and there's a lot more of us then there are of them to support you. Maybe one day they'll come around and see a difference in you (or your spouse) that will make them change their minds.


V.





Edited by violet (09/24/07 09:14 PM)
_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#179980 - 09/13/07 08:14 AM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: violet]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
When you said: "My husband has little compassion or empathy. No wonder. They taught him with their actions that no matter what he wanted in life, the only option they would support would be the safe, easy, and steady choice that kept him close to home."

AND: "And then I see my kids. And I know... It's to make it better for them, to equip them, educate them to be the kind of men and women who won't continue these cycles of abuse, degradation and emotional paralysis."

Personally, I have been having conflict about feelings of anger towards my husband's parents for their role in the abuse AND on the other side, compassion. For one, unless we can somehow change the dysfunction in our own household and it's effects on our children, how can we justify throwing stones at his parents?

It also leads me to wonder if my mother-in-law/father-in-law began their marriage with the same idea that they could do better for their children then what they experienced growing up. (Just like my husband and I did...) With them, ultimately the old patterning of what they were used to overtook their sensibilities and the dysfunction that they knew growing up won out.

Will our kids be sitting in a therapist's office someday spitting anger at how we failed them as parents now? Even though we are doing our best and going to therapy hoping to find the right path out of this mess, will it be enough for them?

It reminds me of the same mode of patterning that children of an alcoholic fall into. Most can attest that booze was the main ingredient for their miserable childhood. How many times did we silently wish that dad would stop drinking, that nim giving up his crutch would calm his violent temper...and yet, what do we reach for when we become old enough to drink? Why would a person who knows first hand the negative effects of this ever in a million years do it? IN both cases it's patterning and without help, we always resort back to what we know. I've sited alcohol because that is what I'm seeing with my siblings right now in my life. Drinking problems all around me. It's crazy really...so much misery and we somehow can't learn from it.

I think anger is good, venting it is good...it releases the pressure within, but what is your course of action after you can see clear enough to think? How are you going to stop this cycle of patterning in your life today?

I'm still trying to figure that one out. I've said this in another post before but I often worry that the same patterning that set my husband up for abuse also sets our children up for more of the same today.

Thanks Violet for your post, for offering some provoking thought this morning. In the end however, I'm still searching for answers.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#180188 - 09/14/07 01:53 AM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: sweet-n-sour]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Hey MJ,

I read your post. I'm glad you were able to get that out! You have not only spoken for yourself but you have given words to the frustration of so many others. I see some of that same thing in my own parents. Good people in a lot of ways, but without a clue how to raise kids and killed our spirit and in doing so made us vulnerable to predators.

Anyhow thanks for saying that. It helped me to be angry about it which is part of the healing process.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#180192 - 09/14/07 04:18 AM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: WalkingSouth]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thankyou for posting this topic, since it gives the opportunity for others to see it's ok to voice their frustrations and anger....


My endless frustrations for years over my bf's family have driven me to points of insanity at times......there have been many times I've felt like i really hate them and according to my T, that's ok. In fact, it's important to acknowledge the fact.


My bf's mother is the most controlling, boundary crossing, cold, lacking in empathy......the list goes on......when my bf disclosed the csa by teacher(by email) to his Mum and Dad, his Dad asked 'was it serious, or just molestation?'. I won't even go into THAT. As far as the csa by his sister is concerned, most sympathy usually goes in HER direction.


It does not surprise me at all that their children ended up being abused and abused eachother. At times I feel compassion for them too.....I know that the reality is that they most likely are damaged people themselves. BUT, I DO think it's important to allow the RAGE....



The way I see it, is that these are lessons to learn by. Ways of living to struggle free of....and the more people heal THEMSELVES, the healthier and happier and SAFER their own children are likely to be. And that is what I hope for my own kids.......



peace
Beccy


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#180194 - 09/14/07 04:47 AM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: beccy]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
I just wanted to add, that I am currently feeling deep compassion for my own parents, who tried so hard. They tried so so hard, but still failed in a number of respects and it makes me feel so sad I feel like my heart will burst. No-one supported them ever. Not their own parents. No Therapists. No-one. they struggled on on their own till the eventual demise of their marriage..........and three grown up children who do have problems accordingly.



peace
Beccy


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#180246 - 09/14/07 09:31 AM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: beccy]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
The past few weeks have been the worst time of my life. I haven't been the greatest wife or mom, and I had to adjust my attitude. Husband and I had to regroup. I certainly don't have it all together, but here is some of what we have tried to do...

I guess the most important thing to me is to establish a open relationship where our kids can feel safe enough to talk about the harder subjects. In our families, so many of these subjects were never broached. For example, the notorious "birds and the bees" discussion was never even approached. Kids understand parents are too freaked out to even bring the subject up. (I got a lame book) This is only one example but it is such an important one. How can a child feel safe enough to tell parents about abuse if a parent can't even say the word sex to the child? It's about starting a dialouge when they are young that continues as they grow older, a conversation free from shame.

Another thing that is really important to me is to admit my mistakes to my kids and ask their forgiveness. Our parents never did this for us. And even when our kids are small, I tell them that no matter what they ever do or what happens to them, to always talk to us about things that happen and assure them of how much we love them.

I do have sympathy for my own mother and in-laws. I know my mom did as well as she could...and it would have been different if she tried to talk to us instead of pretending everything was all right.

I see their faults, no doubt. But I do see that they love him and want to help him now. And I know they feel very guilty over not picking up on his acting out.

I can't imagine how it would feel to have your child to disclose and right now I feel pretty convicted for being so self-righteous about it all. After all, I've certainly not been very graceful in my marriage of late. So S-N-S's image of our kids in therapy scares me.

I guess the best I can do right now is not to fall into the patterns of not noticing and not acknowledging. Oh, and not taking action. Any one else have any input?

V.












Edited by violet (09/24/07 09:16 PM)
_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#180266 - 09/14/07 10:53 AM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: violet]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
I am at the point where I can't be in the same room with my fil (rob's mother died several years ago). My blood boils. And I don't want my children anywhere near him. They are my primary concern and responisiblity. And he can be toxic. No, more like an ass. He was not the perp, but rather physically abused my husband and now claims he remembers none of it.

I have looked at it this way...what does he add to my life? vs. what does he take from me? Long and short of it, I haven't spent any time with them in several months. We live about half an hour apart and used to see each other much more. Now I can barely be civil on the phone.

And no it doesn't make you a bitch. It is putting the blame where it belongs. I have found survivors will cut people way too many breaks that they don't deserve. Pretty much everyone but themselves. I don't understand it either.

Lorie


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