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#179783 - 09/12/07 06:36 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: beccy]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Your not crazy Beccy - you'd be crazy if all of this didn't bother you.

"He said he didn't feel I accept his sexuality. He didn't feel liked. He was quite angry about it. He said it seemed I wouldn't be happy unless it was meaningless to him, but to him it's just something he gets some enjoyment from." - Wierd, that's exactly what my husband says about his drinking, like I was supposed to accept it like it was a good thing.

Don't be worried about sharing anything, we're all here to support you not to judge you.

Take care,
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#179785 - 09/12/07 07:40 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: savemyfam]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Angie, thankyou for your support....

I think perhaps you mistook my meaning of worrying I am crazy.....I meant am I crazy to still be with him.......


I was worried everyone would tell me I'm an idiot.


peace
Beccy


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#179789 - 09/12/07 08:10 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: savemyfam]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Beccy:

You and I have discussed this issue in great detail in the past. Ultimately, I feel we all must do what we feel in our hearts is best to do...no need to explain our decisions, ever. This whole thing is stressful beyond imagining. Unless a person lives it there is no way anyone could possibly grasp how heavy of an issue it is to us!

I've been thinking about this in great detail as of recent. Of course you must understand how my mind works, I write stories, I invent scenario's and in doing this, it helps me to understand. When my sister's partner finally admitted after two years of them living together that she and my sister were in a gay relationship, I was very supportive. I didn't have much experience with lesbian relationships, so I sat down and wrote a novel about a gay couple in order to obtain a deeper mode of understanding.

At first I concluded that being in a relationship with someone that could understand me by having the same biological makeup would be fantastic. I mean, how can a man understand menstruation and all of the emotional baggage that accompanies this without actually feeling it? I dug further examining everyday problems within a relationship and what the difference would be in having a female partner. Although I never quite understood or went into great detail with sexual intimacy. I considered the tenderness of a loving kiss, the unconditional support from one another...every aspect that I have experienced during the past with my husband.

In the end I found enlightenment. I believe it is not if a person is gay or straight...it's a need of having a connection to another soul that truly "gets" us in life. I suspect many of the men who have been abused by men have serious trust issues towards men. How can they relate to them at all without such trust? They can't. Sex is the ultimate leap of faith in a healthy relationship. I believe they look at porn, fantasize, invent a scenario just as I do in writing that enables them to have a "safe" encounter. They maintain control, but the interesting part is, they are fantasizing based only on what they know within them, abuse. The perfert man on the other side should be everything that they have missed out on within a platonic relationship...this need to connect leads them to believe they are confused when in fact, they are craving a humanness that was stolen from them so long ago.

Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm just a writer with an overactive imagination trying to explain a man's perspective in this from a woman's insight. The truth is, I may never understand this part of the effects of csa completely. I can invent scenario's but I am not a male survivor so I may never actually find this enlightenment.

What I do know is that when we love the person we are with, we do our best to understand, to comfort and to accept their struggles as if they are our own. I was writing something this morning that really sparked some emotion. I revisited the birth of our first born. Husband was absolutely amazing in how he supported me through that process. Maybe I need to look at this process for him as one big birthing process. He is the newborn infant trying to rediscover life all the way from the beginning once again.

Well, I believe we've all ready begun to understand the male survivor in a much more enlightened way. Maybe in a year or five years we'll look back with a stronger sense of confidence in our relationships and be proud of going the distance hand in hand to see this through.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#179793 - 09/12/07 08:47 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: sweet-n-sour]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thanks S-n-S,



I understand exactly what you're saying there. I just hope that on the other side of his journey, my bf doesn't realise he would in fact, rather be with a man. If it is all a complicated mix-up due to the abuse, like i understand you are talking about, then indeed all of this can be worked through and become clearer over time......


With so many intimacy issues(on both sides) still in the picture I find it difficult to guage the situation. There are times when I find his behaviour confusing and I feel I have no idea about what's going on. At the moment I realise I am feeling really completely inadequate and some of that ties into the awkward moments....


A large part of me is still expecting him to turn round at some point and tell me he made a mistake and doesn't want to be with me anymore.


peace
Beccy


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#179794 - 09/12/07 09:03 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: beccy]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Beccy:

So true your fear regarding bf deciding he would rather be with a man...it is a possibility for you, for me, for most of us here with a survivor who faces such confusion. The only way to know how it is going to play out however, is to stay in the relationship to find out, yes? If you walk away now, will you wonder for the rest of your life, did I do the right thing?

As you know, a few weeks ago I packed my husband's bags and asked him to leave. I felt that he had stepped on my boundaries and that I needed to let him know just how serious I was about standing my ground. Although it didn't quite turn out the way I had anticipated, my point is, I was doing what I felt I needed to do in order to look after me. I had reached my emotional limit...I believed that in five years if I gazed into his computer that I'd still find the same stuff that I found when this whole mess began...I felt that he was not being honest with me or himself regarding his sexual identity. I didn't trust him. When trust has been shattered how does a person rebuild it? The truth is, it is not up to me to rebuild it. I did nothing to destroy it in the first place, he did.

Last evening husband and I began a new journey. It all started with a walk two blocks down the road to a yoga class. It may not seem like much to anyone else but to me it is a healing process in mind, body and spirit. WE are embarking on this together...a fresh start as a couple...a clean slate at healing.

There are no certainties for any of us. All we can do is our best. We all have the responsibility for our own happiness and it is time to take charge of our own journeys along this great road in life.

Best Wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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