Something hit me today...It's only me.

Yes there is my T, there is my supporting girlfriend, there are my true friends but it comes down to me...when I'm alone with myself. You know, those things that you do in private that you think you can get away with because no one knows, there's no accountability to anyone but yourself. This is the key!

I must act as if I'm accountable because I am accountable to myself. How many times do I lie to myself? Each one of those lies is a notch in my self confidence. How many of us can be at peace knowing that there is nothing to hide? and it's not just about the abuse. We don't have to tell people about our abuse, we need to be in integrity with ourselves.

It's been a week since I threw away all the porn...it's been a week since I've pleasured myself. I feel so much better just knowing that there is nothing to hide from anybody. It's a feeling I have never felt. It's the dual life that weighs heaviest on my soul.

I'm scared it won't last. Every day is a new day and it's up to me to make the decisions necessary to keep feeling this. So far I don't miss the porn but it's only been a week. Keep me strong.

Post deleted by ttoon

I struggle with the porn issues...I had trauma to my testicles which leaves me with horrible pain at times and the only relief is ejaculation. I have seen many doctors and specialists about it. As well, the trauma left me with low testosterone and I take injections which reduce the frequency of the pain, but sometimes I must...

Anyway, for me it is not an unusual secret...most men (and women) masturbate. I choose porn that reminds me of my wife, and she also provides some "help" in that area as well. The sooner I get relief, the better.

It is true, our secrets keep us "sick" (not bad). I hope that the problem for you resolves easier than it has for me. I did entirely abstain for about a year of ALL sexual practices, and it did clear my head alot. I did use ice on my groin for pain relief as well as slowing down my urges...the ice was care-taking of myself and was nice to be good to myself even if it meant some self-deprivation. However, with some recovery I have learned that my "secret" about masturbation and porn is shared by many and it is not "unique" or "sick". But man, if it bothers you to do it or have it you are right to be true to yourself. My hat is off to you for identifying what bothers you and doing something about it!



TR

Hi,

Smart move to ditch the porn and masturbation, as well as to be accountable. It's easier to keep going without the numbing things if you have friends to talk to, and other helpful choices in their place too. And I agree, we're only as sick as our secrets. I've found, too, that porn and masturbation are substitutes for relationship and caring for yourself, so whatever you can do to promote relationships or to take care of yourself will be a good think. Congrats on your decision.

Ed

GS,

"I'm scared it won't last."

I know the feeling, but again the best thing to do when faced with that temptation is to come here and talk about it. I did that recently - felt a terrible drive to act out again, but resisted. I felt good being able to tell people I didn't give in, and instead talked about the feelings behind it. Have I arrived? No, but it feels good not letting it control me for a change, instead of the other way around.

Andy