I feel the need to let out a horrible event that happened during my abuse. It struck me the other day how serious and devastating this was to me as a young boy and how it still hurts and shocks me today as I think about it.

My older brother started abusing me when I was 4. I recall (the first instance of abuse?) a time that my parents walked in to our shared bedroom and discovered the both of us naked with my brother and I “doing things”.

We were then commanded to go into the kitchen. Both my parents where in there with my father sitting at the table. We were told to pull down our pants and as we both stood there half naked my father produced a knife and we were told that if we were ever caught doing “that” again then both of our penises would be cut off.

I remember crying so much. I believed them. Can you imagine being told that’s what would happen to you? I still to this day don’t know if they would have gone through with it. The little boy inside me certainly believed it. They made it clear to ‘little me’ that it was no idle threat.

My brother continued to abuse me for the next 7 years. I never told them. Why would I? I couldn’t tell anybody.

The parents that were meant to protect me shunned me into silence and made it impossible for me to reach out for help or to tell anybody else. If I did tell anybody, no doubt my parents would find out and they would do what they threatened.

Grunty,

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I just imagine the fear the threat instilled into you. Of course you were never able to tell or ask for help after that. It sometimes astonishes me how cruel and insensitive parents can be when the truth of sexual abuse is exposed in the family. You deserved so much better.

Much love,
Larry

That is FUCKING HORRIBLE! Are they still alive? I think you need to have a "conversation" with them.

I don't have to imagine it.

I'm crying for you.

Bryan

I empathize completely. Many years ago I had a flashback to someone (my maternal grandmother, I think) threatening to cut off my penis with scissors when I was about 4. I didn't remember why or anything else except for my terror at the time. Luckily my girlfriend at the time was there and held me until I stopped crying.

I think that people who do this don't think about the long-term consequences of their actions or that we'll even remember.

Maxx

When I was 3 or 4, my mother did the same for wetting my pants in a Target store. She led me to the lady's restroom and tried to cut off my penis with a scissors.

This is a memory that never left me. It's not like the other CSA memories that were conveniently forgotten. This one was always there, but I didn't figure it was doing me any harm.

When I ready your post, Grunty, I got angry at your parents. Then, suddenly, something clicked. Hell, something similar to this happened to me. I suddenly felt my anger shift towards my parents. For the first time in my life, my anger was where it rightfully belonged...drected at my mother.

I know how hard this is, Grunty, but it also needs to be mentioned how much different our situations were. Your situation lead to a powerful fear of disclosure. It was so much more than just shame for you. I can understand how powerful that would be. And you want to know what? Dispite all of the anger I felt towards my own mother last night, I'm still feeling anger towards your parents.

You deserved so much better.

Bryan

Guys,

Thankyou for all of the heartfelt responses. Even after I submitted this my mind then went back to the mode of “why should I feel shock and dismay at this?”. “It is in the past”, “it didn’t matter”, “I have no reason to be angry at them”, “this wasn’t them failing me as parents”.

I needed to hear your responses. All of them. Thankyou. It helps validate what I do feel from time to time and what I was feeling when I posted it. I need (and we all need) support that it’s normal (and to be expected) to feel things like these. We do have a right to feel these things and we’re not crazy. Even more, it’s normal to feel these things after what happened to us. Isn’t it?

On the anger at my parents, I can see how that would be normal but I have to admit I’ve only had partial, occasional, thoughts of anger towards them. I’m still so shut down to my emotions. I’ve had them pretty much switched off from age 4-38. I’m now 40. How do you activate them after all this time and then live with them? It’s pretty scary when I go down that track. I have started but I’m a long way off so I’m not there yet on being angry at them.

I think the big progress step for me is to realise they failed me. That’s why I felt the need to post what I did. Before realising this I had even shelved that away and made their treatment of me growing up a very sterile, detached, unemotional memory – or more to the point, an acceptance that I must have grown up (because of my lack of memories about most of my childhood) and I also told myself the lie that things were ok. Granted, nobody could convince me my childhood was fabulous but it was easier to file it under the “ok” status. Less to have to deal with then and far less pain and unpleasant memories.

Maybe I drifted a bit there in my thoughts. Sorry if lost anybody.

Bottom line, as always, it is so good to be allowed to speak, to be heard, to be understood, supported, accepted and loved. Thankyou all.

Post deleted by scotia1

Hi,

My God, those things are awful -- the threats from parents, and even trying to carry through with the threat (of cutting off your child's penis). As if you were responsible for your brother doing things to you, Grunty, or that you, BJK, had control over wetting your pants when you were three or four! Parents like yours do more damage than they can possibly know. That's all I can say kindly.

Ed