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#179449 - 09/10/07 02:38 PM Impossible
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
This weekend was complete crap. Our daughter had to have emergency surgery and is recovering but spouse and I are supposed to go on a short getaway just the two of us (that we so desperately need) and now that is looking impossible. Thank God she is ok but it just seems this is how life goes for us.

IThe anger of last week has dissolved into depression.

I feel so overwhelmed with everything. I don't feel like I'm doing anything really well these days, just going through the motions. My kids have been fine but I just don't feel like I've been emotionally present with them for awhile.

How do you do that?

V.

I keep remembering this quote today:

"What does your anxiety do? It does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it only empties today of its strength. It does not make you escape the evil; it makes you unfit to cope with it if it comes." Ian McLaren








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#179473 - 09/10/07 05:05 PM Re: Impossible [Re: violet]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Violet:

I can certainly relate to the feeling that everything seems to happen at once and a much deserved get away together is shelved over and over again. I truly hope your daughter is okay and has a speedy recovery. You have my support at most.

Since this whole thing began there were times that it felt as if I was getting to know my husband all over again. It seemed that since he had not disclosed his csa or revealed how he was acting out that I felt very much blind sided after 19 years of marriage. In many ways things have stabilized, but in other ways our relationship feels as if it is evolving to a different form everyday. A certain amount of familiarity is there, but also a great wind of change is filtering through. In some ways I find comfort, but on the other end there is an unsettling. Maybe this is typical when two people must reinvent a relationship after so many years of growing apart.

I say "growing apart" because prior to my husband's disclosure a year ago, there were five years of withdrawal and depression that he experienced. He pushed the kids and I away from him. Even though we missed his presence with us terribly, we were forced to live on... the best that we could regardless of what his personal issues were.

So now we must rebuild. Tomorrow begins our first ever yoga class together and I'm rather excited. It's not so much the class itself, but the opportunity to do something just "us" as a couple.

I guess there is hope if both persons are willing to open their hearts and WANT a better quality now and in the future together. Keep the faith!

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#179485 - 09/10/07 07:18 PM Re: Impossible [Re: sweet-n-sour]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
S-N-S,

Thanks. I needed some words of hope today. Apparently, I'm not very good at giving him space. I'm working on that though. I'm not holding out much hope for better quality now though. I only see things getting worse before there is a real change.

V.



_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#179595 - 09/11/07 08:05 AM Re: Impossible [Re: violet]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
I'm glad to hear your daughter is doing much better! Keep in mind this process all seems to float on waves of movement. Forward, back and tossed around...that seems to be accurate for all of us here. Remember it does help to talk about it and that's what we are all here for support. I'm sending you my best in that!

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#179615 - 09/11/07 09:09 AM Re: Impossible [Re: sweet-n-sour]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Violet and S-n-S -

Speaking from the other side of the equation let me say there is hope. It does take time and work by both parties - but a new beginning is possible.

That opportunity to "renew" is not only something the spouse of a CSA survivor feels. For the CSA survivor it is like solid gold - but gold we are still reluctant to reach out and touch because sure enough we are going to get kicked in the teeth.

It just takes us a little time to realize how good things can be. Doing little things together is soo important - time for just the two of you. And it can be something as simple as reading in bed together at night.

It is a rebuilding process and that does not take place overnight. We have to get to know each other all over again. And for true intimacy we have to accept how the other feels without judgement and that is often very hard because we internalize those feelings. Just own and express how you feel - and give them the priviledge to do the same. Together you can rebuild. Keep talking - and hold hands, it really does help!

Violet - sending prayers your way - for you and your child. My youngest cut his wrist last year (flight for life and all) so I know your pain their too.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#179623 - 09/11/07 10:18 AM Re: Impossible [Re: kellygtx]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
All these posts are helpful. Also read the thread Geographicals & H thinks he already dealt w/ abuse and felt it very helpful as well.

It's just frustrating as I feel like my husband has a badly broken arm but he's only wearing a sling instead of having his arm reset. I'm trying to understand, I really am. I'm just too tired to deal with this today.

Husband is gone for awhile, so it's giving us time to think. I'm tired of thinking though. I'm tired of everything.


V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#179651 - 09/11/07 12:31 PM Re: Impossible [Re: violet]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Sent my husband a letter in which I expressed my frustration with everything. I didn't hold anything back. It was written very lovingly. But honestly. Basically, I told him that we are either in this together or not. If he needs space, he needs to make that known. I told him I want him to get better and wrote about how it wasn't his fault because no one has ever told him any of that stuff. Then I told him that I needed to know if he felt we were worth fighting for.

I paused at the Send button for a long time.

No turning back.

Either I will give him the support he needs with us together or the support he needs with some real space for him to deal.

Fuck. This is killing me.

V.



Edited by violet (09/24/07 09:09 PM)
_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#179696 - 09/11/07 05:03 PM Re: Impossible [Re: violet]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Violet -

You are very brave - and he is very lucky to have you in his life.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#179723 - 09/11/07 08:15 PM Re: Impossible *DELETED* [Re: violet]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Post deleted by violet

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#179725 - 09/11/07 08:18 PM Re: Impossible [Re: violet]
memoryjogger Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/10/07
Posts: 7
Loc: VA
Violet,
I've never talked to you or anything, but I'm sure it will all work out. At least you won't have to wait overnight. Hope you get some answers and some good news.

memoryjogger


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#179732 - 09/11/07 08:40 PM Re: Impossible [Re: memoryjogger]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Violet,

Just read your posts from today and want you to know you have support here. You've done a very brave thing, but the right thing in my opinion.

Keeping my fingers crossed and sending you my thoughts and prayers,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#179781 - 09/12/07 04:52 AM Re: Impossible [Re: WalkingSouth]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Violet,


I think you did the right thing for yourself here. You've been very strong and I hope things turn out for the best for you,


peace
Beccy


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#179806 - 09/12/07 10:08 AM Re: Impossible [Re: violet]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
I feel like a rat trapped in the corner of a cage.

He read my letter in the way I intended- not as an attack. For that I am glad. He does agree we really need to have some goals and is willing to really work on things. I really opened up about my sensitive issues to which he basically responded "it would have been helpful to tell me this sooner."

However, he basically glosses over what I wrote about about the CSA. How typical. He says there are other issues in our relationship that need more attention.

It's a confusing mix of hopefullness and irritation.

I think I'll just shut up about the abuse for awhile. I'm sick to death of trying to encourage him when it's obvious he thinks he's over it. No use beating a dead horse.

He tells me he wants me to be his "coach" and talk about stuff and work through it all. He tells me the details of the abuse and then discloses to his family.

I know, I know he's protecting himself.

It's not like I get any joy in this. Can't he see all I want is for him to feel whole again and be happy? I've told him this but I don't think it has truly sunk in.

Will it ever?

V.



_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#179821 - 09/12/07 10:46 AM Re: Impossible [Re: violet]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Violet;

Sounds like you have a really good man. He talks to you, he tells you he wants this, that's really encouraging. Hold that tight. He loves you enough to want this.

I wanted to be able to write you something better but to be honest, I don't have any suggestions, I mean I do but I guess they work best for me "right now", and even still today they may work but tomorrow, they could be crap.

Not very encouraging I guess. I think I'm tapped out today!

Sorry

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#180424 - 09/15/07 12:07 PM Re: Impossible [Re: Agape Girl]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
I am better today.

Things sure ain't fixed, but at least I don't feel I'm sinking.

Thanks to listening to me stress about everything. I'm glad I wrote the letter. It really seemed to help pinpoint what the areas of greatest frustration were for both of us so we can work on those areas.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#180515 - 09/16/07 12:38 AM Re: Impossible [Re: violet]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I wish you the best of luck and wish you peace with the courage it took to let your husband know how you feel afterall you matter as much as he does.

god bless you and your sanity.

Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#180827 - 09/17/07 06:24 PM Re: Impossible [Re: thecoopstah]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
H will start T when he is done traveling. I didn't even mention it. He brought the subject up this weekend. Going on a romantic getaway this week.

"Hope springs eternal in the human breast: Man never is, but always To be Blest." - Alexander Pope

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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