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#179409 - 09/10/07 09:41 AM a good way to shut someone up - trigger
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
i dont know where to put this, not sure if it belongs here, if it gets moved i dont care, i need to put it somewhere, a week ago i read something here and it triggered me bigtime so for the past 6 or 7 days ive been thinking about this, its consumed me and its caused a ton of anxiety, nightmares and other bullshit i could do without. so from what im hearing the only way to get this shit out without resorting to violence, booze and random sex is to talk and i figure talking has to be better than this cycle of drinking to numb the pain, getting drunk and doing stupid unsafe and unhealthy things, being hungover and feeling guilty, drinking again to get rid of the guilt and on and on.
as i think i mentioned before, my father was big on "sucking it up" and "being a man" so in his opinion no matter how bad him or anyone was hurting me even the slightest gasp or sigh or cry or moan or anything was a huge sign of weakness, it simply wasnt allowed, he'd twist my arms behind my back until they were almost breaking and he'd brutally assault me, so YA of course im going to make noise, cry, etc. he didnt want me to even breathe loud, it was impossible, even if he wasnt doing anything to me just his weight on me alone is going to push all the air out of me and cause me to gasp. so he came up with a way to "teach" me how to shut up. another one of his "lessons" that had to be done for my own good.
He filled up a big metal tub with ice cold water, bent me over it, stuck my head underwater and he held me down under the water while he raped me. after a few times of that i learned to keep quiet during the attacks.
hey this was for my own good right?
PLEASE dont reply to this one i just had to put this somewhere and get it out of my head before i lose it

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#179433 - 09/10/07 12:58 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
okay so i do need help with this one. this was just downright cruel right? i mean theres no real lesson be learned by this right? he did this as a way to make sure id be afraid to talk or tell anyone right? just a power thing?

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#179434 - 09/10/07 01:04 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11027
Loc: Denver, CO
Jesse, just to clarify between your two posts: The first post you declined replies, which is fine. Your second post is asking questions. Do people here have your permission to offer feedback to you, or to ask questions? Just want to be clear. I have feedback, but will wait to hear from you.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#179435 - 09/10/07 01:05 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
Jesse...you are EXACTLY right! they controlled us by intimidation and cruelty...it was a total control thing so he could continue abusing you...

my dad did the same things to me to keep me quiet...worked as designed...

the sick bastards.


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#179438 - 09/10/07 01:17 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: FormerTexan]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
i didnt want it at first but yes Andy i appreciate any feedback you have, thanks.

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#179439 - 09/10/07 01:19 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: buzz_key]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
sorry it happened to you too buzz, why is it that it seems so wrong and cruel that it happened to you but it seems so logical and deserving that it happened to me, like for you it was senseless cruelty, for me it was just something i had to learn

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#179441 - 09/10/07 01:24 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
cause you were being forced to live it. does that make sense? your dad spent so many years "training" you. you hear about my crap and it is outside of yours and you see it for what it is.

don't know if that makes any sense.

just know this...what your dad did to you was WRONG and SICK! nothing else short of that. you DID NOT deserver ANY of that.

buzz


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#179442 - 09/10/07 01:24 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11027
Loc: Denver, CO
To me, what your father did was absolutely horrible. I find the violence horrifying, and wonder how on earth a father can treat a son like this. There is no lesson to learn from this. There is only the fact that he is a very broken man, and a toxic person to avoid. I don't know his reasoning behind it, I only know he is best avoided, and I am very sad this happened to you. As with many examples in our community here, this account blows me away.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#179443 - 09/10/07 01:26 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: FormerTexan]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11027
Loc: Denver, CO
"why is it that it seems so wrong and cruel that it happened to you but it seems so logical and deserving that it happened to me"

That could be the shame talking, Jesse. Many of us have old tapes in our hearts that constantly play back "I don't deserve better," when in fact you totally deserved better. You deserved to be honored as a boy and treated with respect and love, not this horrible torture.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#179446 - 09/10/07 02:08 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: FormerTexan]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
what youre saying makes sense but when its all that you know and you dont know any difference how are you supposed to feel special or feel like you deserve anything other than what youre getting, when youre a little kid and you have grown ups telling you that what they're doing is OK, how are you supposed to know any better? by the time you figure out that its completely fucking wrong its too late

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#179447 - 09/10/07 02:25 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Jesse.
I'm sorry. This is an unbelievable memory to have to carry around. The fact that you still have to see your father to any extent is horrific. As said earlier, he is beyond sick. This is torture, pure and simple. You deserved to be loved, hugged and held as a kid - hell even as an adult you deserve that. It's really good that you got it out, though. Keep it coming. The more you talk about this crap, the less power it has over you.
take care
Paul


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#179451 - 09/10/07 02:43 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger *DELETED* [Re: jessedawg]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
Post deleted by buzz_key


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#179452 - 09/10/07 02:47 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: buzz_key]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
thanks, this is a lot harder than i thought it would be, so easy to pretend like its all good and like nothing bothers you, hard to face the truth
no hugs please

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#179453 - 09/10/07 02:59 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11027
Loc: Denver, CO
"when its all that you know and you dont know any difference how are you supposed to feel special or feel like you deserve anything other than what youre getting"

I have lived this same concept, so I know. That's where the feedback from others comes in. It can be a T, or friends close by, or people here.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#179454 - 09/10/07 03:02 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: FormerTexan]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: FormerTexan
That's where the feedback from others comes in. It can be a T, or friends close by, or people here.

once you can trust that the feedback is true and should believed.


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#179457 - 09/10/07 03:14 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: MarkK]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11027
Loc: Denver, CO
Well, I agree Mark, though I see that as a given. The alternative is no feedback, which can leave things basically at point A.



Edited by FormerTexan (09/10/07 03:14 PM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#179468 - 09/10/07 04:08 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: FormerTexan]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Is your "father" still alive? Have you confronted him? I sure hope that you eventually do! Are you still afraid of him? Is he still bigger than you? Do any of your family members know what kind of person he is?


Top
#179572 - 09/11/07 12:25 AM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: Hauser]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

I've been there with the idea that something's horrible if it happened to someone else, but okay if it happened to me. What your father did was really awful stuff, both the rape itself and the intimidation to stay silent. You do have a voice here. I know from experience that confrontation is risky business. Simply expressing what happened, and allowing yourself to feel whatever must be felt, may be enough.
Your 'normal' experience was very wrong.It's a damn shame when 'fathers' don't act as fathers should, even with their own children. And the torture from someone both bigger and in a position of authority is despicable (especially one's own father). Both you and buzz lived through things no child should have had to endure, and my heart is with you both.

Ed


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#179653 - 09/11/07 12:33 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: Hauser]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
hauser to answer your questions yes he's alive, no i've never confronted him, no i am not afraid of him anymore and yes he's still bigger than me. i have a lot of family scattered all over the world, if anyone does know about the kind of person he is they never told me, most people think he's dad of the year, fire fighter of the year, MVP and all that, its bullshit, complete bullshit

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#181304 - 09/19/07 10:28 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
Army Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 90
Loc: California
Jessedawg,

Your post was your voice to begin to stop the effect of your fathers abuse. Say it loud and clear,I WAS ABUSED! IT WAS WRONG! and ITS MY LIFE NOW! My dad abused me too, but his touch has lost its power. It takes time, I am here for ya bro!

Army

_________________________
07 Peebbles WOR Alummni

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#181321 - 09/20/07 12:48 AM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: Army]
wojax Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/22/04
Posts: 171
Loc: Florida
As a Father of 4 I can not emagin a father doing these thing to his son...It is our job to teach our boys to be men and grow up strong and work hard to better themselfs...I taught my boys to be good prodictive men and when they were in high school to ware foot ball pads and have sprotmanship...how to swim and drive Never Never Never did I evrn thing of touching them...I just dont understand it....how dose sticking soming in your boys ass help him grow up stronge...I am very mad righ now.. I am very proud of my sons and what they have become the fathers thy are.
God Help me Im so mad right now.....

_________________________
Jer 7:23 ps 91:16

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#181322 - 09/20/07 12:55 AM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Jesse,

I am sorry, you are right, that it is only evil, there is no 'reason' to do such as that to a child, specially your own. Your father sound much to much like mine own. I am very sorry to anyone who grown up with such as I done, because I know how much it is pain and fear. My father is been dead now, and still I have fear of him. I am very sorry what hurt yours done to you.

VN


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#181360 - 09/20/07 08:36 AM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: VN]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
forgot i even posted this one
sorry to all of you who can relate, its not fair

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#181563 - 09/21/07 11:36 AM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

No need to apologize at all. You're asking a very important question here:

Originally Posted By: jessedawg
why is it that it seems so wrong and cruel that it happened to you but it seems so logical and deserving that it happened to me, like for you it was senseless cruelty, for me it was just something i had to learn


Do you remember how we talked about this one day in chat? The basic problem here begins with the fact that for a child the world centers around himself and what he wants and needs; his life is about getting those things and learning, as he goes, how complex this can get. But that's what growing up is about: How can I get what I want and need and still get along with the rest of the world?

But the key here is that the boy sees the world as centered around himself. That's not selfishness - it's childhood.

So what happens when the boy is abused? He wants to know why this is happening, and because the abuse is usually coming from someone he knows and trusts and perhaps loves, he doesn't blame that other person - he blames himself instead. And very often, like in your case, the abuser contributes to that by telling the boy crap like you heard: "suck it up", "be a man", "this is for your own good".

Because of this the boy will learn to feel all kinds of bad feelings about himself: shame, guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, and so on. Even after the abuse ends those feelings are still with him; they're part of how he feels about himself as a guy.

But like I said, those are feelings about himself, not about anyone else. So he doesn't have any trouble at all seeing that other guys didn't deserve what happened to them. Those other guys are not him. His bad feelings are feelings about himself and no one else.

This is why you can see that Buzz so totally did NOT deserve to be hurt like he was. You can feel for him and you can easily reach out to him. But as soon as you turn to yourself those old feelings are in the way.

Think of it like this. You are sitting in a room looking at someone; you see them for exactly who they are - and you like them. But then you look at yourself in a mirror that is old, cloudy, and warped a bit. You DON't like what you see, of course.

But is that image accurate? Nope. It's a distorted one, and what you have to do is remember that every time you look into that bad mirror, that's what you will see. You need to remember that the image is you somehow, but badly distorted.

Recovery is about finding and installing a new mirror.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#181569 - 09/21/07 11:59 AM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: roadrunner]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
wow, yea i remember that chat we had, thanks for reminding me again.

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#181573 - 09/21/07 12:33 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: roadrunner]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: roadrunner

But is that image accurate? Nope. It's a distorted one, and what you have to do is remember that every time you look into that bad mirror, that's what you will see. You need to remember that the image is you somehow, but badly distorted.
Recovery is about finding and installing a new mirror.
Much love,
Larry


okay so i dont mean to make a joke out of this and you KNOW i really appreicate the advise and wisdom here but this made me laugh and got me thinking about "beer goggles" ya know like when youre trashed and all the girls in the room look really really really hot, but then the next morning when youre sober and hungover youre like what the fuck was i thinking and wheres the damn exit!?!?!? lol unrelated i know, but thanks for the laugh, i needed it!

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

Top
#181575 - 09/21/07 12:37 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

Originally Posted By: jessedawg
thanks for the laugh, i needed it!


rofl \:D Enjoy!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#181647 - 09/21/07 08:10 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: roadrunner]
wojax Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/22/04
Posts: 171
Loc: Florida
Jesse,
I remember those days too LOL.....when your drunk enough they all look goodlol

_________________________
Jer 7:23 ps 91:16

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