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#179409 - 09/10/07 09:41 AM a good way to shut someone up - trigger
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
i dont know where to put this, not sure if it belongs here, if it gets moved i dont care, i need to put it somewhere, a week ago i read something here and it triggered me bigtime so for the past 6 or 7 days ive been thinking about this, its consumed me and its caused a ton of anxiety, nightmares and other bullshit i could do without. so from what im hearing the only way to get this shit out without resorting to violence, booze and random sex is to talk and i figure talking has to be better than this cycle of drinking to numb the pain, getting drunk and doing stupid unsafe and unhealthy things, being hungover and feeling guilty, drinking again to get rid of the guilt and on and on.
as i think i mentioned before, my father was big on "sucking it up" and "being a man" so in his opinion no matter how bad him or anyone was hurting me even the slightest gasp or sigh or cry or moan or anything was a huge sign of weakness, it simply wasnt allowed, he'd twist my arms behind my back until they were almost breaking and he'd brutally assault me, so YA of course im going to make noise, cry, etc. he didnt want me to even breathe loud, it was impossible, even if he wasnt doing anything to me just his weight on me alone is going to push all the air out of me and cause me to gasp. so he came up with a way to "teach" me how to shut up. another one of his "lessons" that had to be done for my own good.
He filled up a big metal tub with ice cold water, bent me over it, stuck my head underwater and he held me down under the water while he raped me. after a few times of that i learned to keep quiet during the attacks.
hey this was for my own good right?
PLEASE dont reply to this one i just had to put this somewhere and get it out of my head before i lose it

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Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#179433 - 09/10/07 12:58 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
okay so i do need help with this one. this was just downright cruel right? i mean theres no real lesson be learned by this right? he did this as a way to make sure id be afraid to talk or tell anyone right? just a power thing?

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Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#179434 - 09/10/07 01:04 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11046
Loc: Denver, CO
Jesse, just to clarify between your two posts: The first post you declined replies, which is fine. Your second post is asking questions. Do people here have your permission to offer feedback to you, or to ask questions? Just want to be clear. I have feedback, but will wait to hear from you.

Andy

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List of things ain't nobody got time for:

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If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#179435 - 09/10/07 01:05 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
Jesse...you are EXACTLY right! they controlled us by intimidation and cruelty...it was a total control thing so he could continue abusing you...

my dad did the same things to me to keep me quiet...worked as designed...

the sick bastards.


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#179438 - 09/10/07 01:17 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: FormerTexan]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
i didnt want it at first but yes Andy i appreciate any feedback you have, thanks.

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#179439 - 09/10/07 01:19 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: buzz_key]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
sorry it happened to you too buzz, why is it that it seems so wrong and cruel that it happened to you but it seems so logical and deserving that it happened to me, like for you it was senseless cruelty, for me it was just something i had to learn

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Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#179441 - 09/10/07 01:24 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
cause you were being forced to live it. does that make sense? your dad spent so many years "training" you. you hear about my crap and it is outside of yours and you see it for what it is.

don't know if that makes any sense.

just know this...what your dad did to you was WRONG and SICK! nothing else short of that. you DID NOT deserver ANY of that.

buzz


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#179442 - 09/10/07 01:24 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: jessedawg]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11046
Loc: Denver, CO
To me, what your father did was absolutely horrible. I find the violence horrifying, and wonder how on earth a father can treat a son like this. There is no lesson to learn from this. There is only the fact that he is a very broken man, and a toxic person to avoid. I don't know his reasoning behind it, I only know he is best avoided, and I am very sad this happened to you. As with many examples in our community here, this account blows me away.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#179443 - 09/10/07 01:26 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: FormerTexan]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11046
Loc: Denver, CO
"why is it that it seems so wrong and cruel that it happened to you but it seems so logical and deserving that it happened to me"

That could be the shame talking, Jesse. Many of us have old tapes in our hearts that constantly play back "I don't deserve better," when in fact you totally deserved better. You deserved to be honored as a boy and treated with respect and love, not this horrible torture.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#179446 - 09/10/07 02:08 PM Re: a good way to shut someone up - trigger [Re: FormerTexan]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
what youre saying makes sense but when its all that you know and you dont know any difference how are you supposed to feel special or feel like you deserve anything other than what youre getting, when youre a little kid and you have grown ups telling you that what they're doing is OK, how are you supposed to know any better? by the time you figure out that its completely fucking wrong its too late

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