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#179156 - 09/08/07 01:40 PM Telling my only close friend
seekingblue Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 14
Hi Family and Friends and Survivors,

So I've got a friend that I've had for a long time. My entire adult life. Honestly, he's my only friend. He's the only non-relative that I never pushed out of my life. (I pushed family away too at one point but there's no escaping family) When it comes to emotional stuff we've always had a one direction relationship where he talks and I listen. Not because he wouldn't listen but because I wouldn't talk. He's a damn good friend. Well, despite my attempts to hide it he's been able tell that something is bothering me. Usually I'm better at hiding that but I've really been on edge lately. He made me promise that next time we got together I would talk about what's been on my mind. I know I could weasel out of that promise because he's got a very low pressure kind of personality (That's probably why I've been able to stay friends with him) but I don't think I should.

I've already decided I'm going to write about the abuse and the stuff going on in my head then give it to him. I will freeze up or make up comforting lies if I try to just say it to him because my fear of rejection and the other emotions involved will get the better of me. Can you give me advice on how to not screw up the conversation afterwards and how much I should say in the letter? Anything else you can tell me would be great too. The truth is I'm terrified. Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,
Nate

_________________________
The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out. ~Stephen King

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#179164 - 09/08/07 03:32 PM Re: Telling my only close friend [Re: seekingblue]
emptydreamer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
seekingblue,

Here is my advice, for what it's worth.

Go with what you are comfortable with. I know thats a loaded statement, as most of any disclosure is somewhat uncomfortable.

I would avoid too much detail were it me.

I would also explain at the end, how hard this was to do, and how much anxiety is connected with it.

I would ask for him to understand how difficult it is to talk about, and to understand that you may not be ready to answer a lot of questions.

I would make it clear that you need his understanding and support, and not that you want to be felt sorry for. And finally, ask that he understand that if the conversation that follows gets too uncomfortable, that you need to let him know that, and ask that he accept your boundaries.

I re-read this and it sounds so simple.....I know that it's not.
It is hard, and it is uncomfortable.

I wish you the best, and from your de>
_________________________
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

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#179184 - 09/08/07 07:56 PM Re: Telling my only close friend [Re: emptydreamer]
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
You might want to ask him to read Abused Boys. Tell him what you need from him. What he can do to help.

Unfortunately, I was completely blindsided when my husband told me. I didn't understand fully what he was telling me and how big an effect this had on him and our relationship. It's not that him disclosing to me had any effect on what I thought about him or how much I love him. It didn't. I felt relief when my husband told me because we had been having a lot of problems and the abuse was the reason why our marriage was having problems. I was relieved that the "problem" was out in the open and we could work on fixing it. I also didn't want to make a big deal about him telling me about the abuse because I didn't want him to think I thought less of him or pitied him. I think he wanted empathy when he told me. It breaks my heart that I didn't give him the empathy and comfort that he needed at a time when he was bearing his soul to me. But again, when you are blindsided by this stuff you don't get it and you don't know how to react. If I would have known what my husband needed when he told me it would have been so much easier. Your friend will want to do what ever he can to help you. Please tell him what you need from him. I didn't read Abused Boys until 6-8 months after he told me. Boy, I wish someone would have told me about that book earlier. Us family and friends, DONT know what it is like to be you. We can try to empathize but I don't think we will ever get it. Please tell us what we can do to help you.


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#179197 - 09/08/07 10:19 PM Re: Telling my only close friend [Re: weepywife]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Blue;

Bruised Spirit just recently disclosed to his girlfriend, he did a great job, maybe reaching out to him would be a good idea as well. I would like to add that I was not in front of my bf when I read his letter to me disclosing for the 1st and only time. I wish I was in front of him (looking back now it would have been better). I also think that Empty dreamer's post seemed perfect too.

I wish you all the best!

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#179264 - 09/09/07 10:44 AM Re: Telling my only close friend [Re: Agape Girl]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Hi Nate,

I just recently had a painful confrontation with my best friend of 30 years, so coming out of that my advice would be to definately write it all to your friend if you feel that you can't be 100% honest - by that I mean if you would tend to sugar coat things so that they don't seem to be as bad as they are. That's what my friend and I were doing for the last 2 years and it finally came to a head with me and I put a stop to it.

I can tell you that after 2 years of me not being honest with my friends and family about what was really going on between me and my husband, when I finally did start coming clean about how bad things really were - it was a huge burden lifted off of me. They are all so loving and supportive and it has helped put my life in a more positive direction.

Lay it all out there for him, it sounds like he can handle it.

All my best to you!
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#179656 - 09/11/07 12:51 PM Re: Telling my only close friend [Re: savemyfam]
seekingblue Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 14
Scott, Weepywife, Kelly, and Angie,

I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier. Thank you all for your advice, I will be talking to my friend this coming weekend.

Scott, you're right. I don't think I could handle a lot of questions on the subject. Like you said it's simple but it's not easy. I'm afraid he's going to look at me differently. I'm pretty sure that won't happen but that doesn't stop me from fearing it.

Weepywife, thanks for giving me some understanding of how it appears from the outside. I haven't read Abused Boys so I don't feel comfortable recommending it but I'll keep it in mind.

Kelly, I'll make sure I'm in the room when he reads my message.

Angie, I sugar coat things a lot when I talk. That's exactly why I'm going to write it down instead of just saying it. It's easier to tell the truth when it's written down.

I don't deserve all this help but I'm very grateful. I'll tell you how it goes. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Nate

_________________________
The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out. ~Stephen King

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#179661 - 09/11/07 01:08 PM Re: Telling my only close friend [Re: seekingblue]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Nate!!!!!

YOU DO DESERVE THIS, EVERYONE DESERVES A CHEERLEADER OR TWO, HECK HOW BOUT THE WHOLE SQUAD. I'D LOVE IT!!!!

Everyone raise your PomPom's, and shake em' wildly.

Nate, you'll get the squad pyramid with the cheerleader on top that jumps and flips to the arms of other cheerleaders, for this weekend. You got my Mojo!

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#179712 - 09/11/07 07:17 PM Re: Telling my only close friend [Re: Agape Girl]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Okay Kelly I'll join in the cheerleading squad, but be warned that I haven't been a cheerleader in (gasp!!!) 30 years!!!!! And I'm sure as heck not getting on the top of the pyramid!!!

Nate - I agree with Kelly, you do deserve all the support! We're all in this together in this community!!

My best to you!!
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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