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#179086 - 09/07/07 10:55 PM My mask doesn't fit anymore (angry trigger)
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
So this is what fucking "breakthroughs" feel like. Yeah, I've had a lot of 'em this week. Too many of them, in fact. I'm learning why I am the way I am. I'm making progress. Man, it's fucking difficult.

I'm not having a good night. People keep telling me that I will never be given more than I can handle. I got two words. "Fuck off".

I just want a break. I just want to go five minutes without running into a fucking trigger. Yeah...my mask fell of tonight when I read another peron's post. Yup. That happened to me, and my anger towards that person's parents has turned into anger for my own paretns. Finally! I'm able to direct the anger towards where it belongs.

Yeah, this is a positive step, right? I finally am feeling some anger towards my fucking mother, the conniving, narcissist bitch that tried to cut my fucking dick off. She's the only person I've ever fucking loved, and she used that against me. God, I fucking hate her.

I just want my fucking life. Is that too much to ask?

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#179088 - 09/07/07 10:57 PM Re: My mask doesn't fit anymore (angry trigger) [Re: BJK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: BJK
Finally! I'm able to direct the anger towards where it belongs.


Congratulations. Believe it or not. Progress. Sometimes it hurts - but it gets better, so they say.

M


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#179089 - 09/07/07 10:59 PM Re: My mask doesn't fit anymore (angry trigger) [Re: BJK]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11174
Loc: Denver, CO
Bryan,

I hear so much from this post. The burning hatred I've had towards my mother has overcome me some days.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#179091 - 09/07/07 11:22 PM Re: My mask doesn't fit anymore (angry trigger) [Re: FormerTexan]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
BJK,

It is good to project that anger out instead of locking it in where it has been harmful to your soul. But be careful not to let that anger consume you from the outside now. Try to shake all that negativity off and just let it float away.

I have heard that BS about "not being given more than I could handle"as well. That flew out the window when what should have been the funnest years of my life where stolen from me.


Take much care.

Brokensoul


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#179092 - 09/07/07 11:27 PM Re: My mask doesn't fit anymore (angry trigger) [Re: FormerTexan]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey BJK, know what your feeling with your Mother. Mine was everything to me, but now looking back she was the biggest problem. Hard to come to terms with what she did. A good friend of mine makes it clear. It's fine to love her and hate her at the same time. Pretty much sums it up. Hard, but makes sense to me. Just have to deal with one at a time rather than playing each feeling off each other. They make so much sense one at a time.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#179093 - 09/08/07 12:00 AM Re: My mask doesn't fit anymore (angry trigger) [Re: mogigo]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Thanks, guys.

Obviously, I'm having a rough night.

I don't want to love my mother anymore. I want to bury her in an imaginary grave and move on with my life. She abused me for 18 years, she manipulated me into thinking that I wasn't worthy of being loved by anyone else, and she isolated me from the people who truly loved me unconditionally (my father and my sister). I really don't need her narcissist personality in my life, yet I continue to cling to the only person I've ever loved before...her.

I don't feel any love for her tonight. I'm hoping it stays that way because, even though I feel like I'm attending a funeral, I feel powerful. Even though this feeling that I have right now pales in comparison only to the feeling I had when I first came to terms with my CSA, there is some relief there as well.

I look forward to the day when I can completely let go of her.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#179100 - 09/08/07 01:25 AM Re: My mask doesn't fit anymore (angry trigger) [Re: BJK]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I hope to hear of you doing that one day.......maybe not SOON..........but some day.........letting her go.........

I suspect that as you progress further in your recovery......you will learn to love other people.......hell you already do, and it's not TAINTED with sexual abuse, not in a direct way anyway.


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#179113 - 09/08/07 07:46 AM Re: My mask doesn't fit anymore (angry trigger) [Re: Hauser]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I had a couple of pretty powerful conversations in chat lat night. It calmed me down enough to at least get some sleep.

I'm so exhausted right now, but I do feel some relief. I have to get through a work day today. I get to talk to my aunt tonight. Every time I think of my mother, I feel tears welling up.

I think this is progress. It's painful, but I really don't think I can move on with my life until I come to the full realization that my mother is no longer a part of it.

You're right Hauser. I do feel some love towards other people, even though I'm having some difficulty realizing what, exactly, that means. Part of that is what makes this so difficult, as well.

The people I love, my aunt, my sister, and my sister's kids, make me think of what can go wrong. This is only cemented by the fact that my mother was actively grooming my 8-year-old nephew before I intervened. He's been in therapy as a precautionary measure, and he disclosed to his therapist about how his grandma (my mother) told him once (just a couple of months ago) that she was going to pick him up from school one day so they could take a trip together, just the two of them. It sounds to me that she was planning to fucking kidnap him, and my nephew was looking forward to it. That's pretty fucking scary.

The police are involved, but there is not anything they can do except be aware. The school district is involved. They will call the police if my mother steps foot on the school grounds. My nephew is safe, as my sister has cut my mother out of his life (as well as my nieces, who I love dearly as well...I just don't think they are in any danger). To think that up until about a month ago, my mother's name was on a little form that gave her permission to remove my nephew from school in case of an emergency is something that is quite frightening. To think that my mother was so openly grooming him for whatever twisted and evil plans she had in mind, and that all of us saw it and didn't even realize it, is also quite frightening. I'm suddenly quite triggered by some of the things I heard my mother say to my nephew over the past few years...things she said to me when I was that age. "No one can love you the way I love you." "A grandmother is here to do special things for her grandson" "No one else has to know about how special I make you feel." And, the most powerful of all: "I will never abandon you."

I had a pretty vivid nightmare about all of this last night, and I guess I just don't feel comfortable enough talking about it to start a new post. This is all just so fucking horrible. How could I have lived with myself if my mother had croseed the line with my nephew?

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#179117 - 09/08/07 09:32 AM Re: My mask doesn't fit anymore (angry trigger) [Re: BJK]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Bryan -

I don't know what to say other than the pain, anger, and nightmares do let up, never go away, but they do let up.

Know you are loved my friend.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#179125 - 09/08/07 10:30 AM Re: My mask doesn't fit anymore (angry trigger) [Re: kellygtx]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11174
Loc: Denver, CO
Bryan,

A friend of mine on here suggested to me once how his mother and my mother should get together and cackle around a big cast iron pot. There is space at that cast iron pot for another... ;\)

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
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