Wayne,
You will come to understand that this is a long process for many of us. But, the fact that you have found the courage to begin to come to grips with the abuse is such an empowering first step...you've already done more that some of us have been able to accomplish...really.

So, try to be calm and listen to those feelings. Yes, there will be very difficult times of non-sleep, fear, as well as anger at yourself and your perp. This is all to be expected. You are doing the right thing, and I applaud your bravery.

Keep coming here...we'll be with you.

Much love,
REJ

Welcome, fabdacab.

I'm glad that you came here. The other guys who responded to you are absolutely right. This is a wonderful site and helped to save my life.

My story is a long and involved one as probably most of ours are. However, I can say that I basically was forced to tell my wife because I fell into deep depression and all I wanted to do was sleep after I got home from work. She angrily confronted me about it after I was doing this for a while. I took her out for a van ride to get away from our daughters and told her. I cried so hard that I lost touch with reality and tried to jump out in front of an on-going vehicle. My wife grabbed me and gave me a lot of support. She encouraged me to seek help and told me that she would help in the process.

It's been an uphill battle ever since. However, there was relief for both us because it put us on the same page finally. Our marriage definitely improved.

I don't want you to ever have to get to that point. You did that right thing to disclose to her. I hope that you both make the time to discuss it with each other. You might even want to show her some of these threads so that she can better understand what is involved with what has happened to you. That way, you both can hopefully work together to formulate a plan for your future well-being.

I wish you the best in your journey. I will pray for you.

God bless,
John, The Music Man

thankyou for all you replys. today i just feel angry toward everything, although i tolld my wife what happend, i still feel it is to soon to speek openly about it, she is trying to give me space, but even her hugs are making me feel like she is invading my space, i just feel like the past 25 or so years have been a lie. if this hvent of happend to me what would i be like today as a person? i feel like i have been cheeted out of so much. i feel like i have cheeted my wife out of true happiness for the last 11 years, i havent been able to sleep properly because i keep getting flashbacks, this has never happend before so why now? am i just imagining things? sorry to go on at the moment i find it easier to write my thoughts. thankyou for listning.

Wayne,

Pour it out as much as you need to, bro. That's what the discussion board is here for and you will find we all support and understand you.

I understand how you feel about being cheated out of so much; and you are right. Just bear in mind that the one who has cheated both you and your wife is the abuser. The lost years are not your fault. We do things when we can, and at the moment we do then, that was the very first moment this was possible for us. We could not have done it one second earlier.

Much love,
Larry

Wayne, welcome. I am so glad you found this site. As others have said already, it is an amazing place where there is no judgement. But the amazing thing is that you are not alone anymore. Here is a place that brings men together who knows how it feels when you disclose. Know how it feels to feel invaded. Know how it feels to be so angry. We all have had different pasts and circumstances that brought us here, but the feelings and questions are suprisingly similar.

The one answer, which you will hear a lot because it is true, is "It was not your fault". That is something that takes time to sink in and for you to believe, but it is true.

Take your time and know that this is a safe place to say whatever is on your mind.

Dan

Wayne,

Just saw your posts tonight and my heart goes out to you. You have done a very brave and trusting thing to tell your wife, especially when it sounds like you’ve just come to realise how much the abuse has impacted your life.

These are no doubt upsetting times but I imagine also times of great relief in that as you can see by the replies you’ve been getting here at MS you are not alone.

I think you will find it easier to let stuff out here with the anonymity that the site provides plus you have other males who understand. I can certainly relate to most of what you have shared already and as I know many of the guys who’ve responded, they can too.

I can certainly, and sadly confess, that I have also had too many years of being a distant and emotionally cold husband. I wish I could take them all back and even change instantly today who I am and how I act. Being aware however is a big step in the right direction. I’m getting better. So will you.

Share what you can Wayne and let us support you through these very difficult early days. I’m also grateful you have a wife there for you who I’m sure is trying her best to support you even if she doesn’t understand it all at the moment.

Welcome friend.