Do You Know

Do you know
how ugly I feel inside
or what a damaged useless person
can do to change these thoughts

others say that I am not –
that I am wrong in my beliefs
but those thoughts - those thoughts
those THOUGHTS
are oh so strong

will you ever know the feelings
that I have felt for years
those feelings of guilt and shame and doubt
that have caused most of my tears

will you ever know the feelings
of not accepting love
of hating this very person
of thinking others feel the same

will you ever know the feelings
of being.. a monster
and a pervert
in a play I merely acted

Kelly,

I understand what you're saying, bro, and I'm sorry you're in that spot right now. But it does pass. Like so much else, that's one of the old tapes from the bad times still playing in our heads. Abuse teaches us all kinds of false lessons about our worth, and one is that of our ugliness. We think that this must be true because we FEEL that feeling so vividly. How can it be wrong?

But it is wrong - totally. It's not a feeling you can just turn off, but it can be worked on if you talk about it and drag it out into the open. Talking about these things lets us see that others have felt the same way and gives us ideas for our own situation.

At the end of the day, what we're doing is discovering ways to keep these old bad feelings from controlling us anymore. When we hide the feeling away, it wins yet again. When we drag it out and talk about it, we reject its power and begin the task of getting rid of it.

Much love,
Larry

Larry,

I always appreciate what you have to say. And although I don't always respond, I do take what you have said to heart. I just write - and write more - and have found more of a voice with poetry than I have with prose.

Thank you.

Kelly,

You don't need to respond, bro. I'm just glad you are finding your voice and getting into writing verse. I bet it will be an interesting experience for you to look back at it in, say, a year's time and see how your ideas have changed, remained the same, or whatever.

Much love,
Larry