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#173702 - 08/16/07 05:03 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: treadmill_guy]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Treadmill,

You are right, and I apologize. I took your post way too personally and conveyed my feelings upon you. And I should never have said that bit about using your CSA as an excuse. You caught me on a bad day, and I'm sorry I took it out on you.

But can you tell how passionate I am about this? One of the reasons I finally, finally ended my marriage was that someone convinced me that it wasn't fair for my wife to stay in the relationship. When I started dating again, I wouldn't even see married men, because I didn't want to be the one to screw up their relationship.

If it sounds hypocritical then perhaps it is, because I cheated on my wife many times. But like a reformed alcoholic, I truly saw the error in my ways.

It's not for me to tell you what to do and what not to do, and again, I apologize.

Perhaps what is triggering you is the idea of reinacting your abuse, but this time with you in control rather than the other way around. That's something that I heard someone else say, and it made sense to me. But that's just a shot in the dark.

Best regards,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#173736 - 08/16/07 07:32 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: Lazarus]
TIN Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/09/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Frederick MD
Guys,

After reading this string of posts, I have to say this really hit home for me. I have been down this bi-curious/gay curious road for a long time in my life. However, I still manage to come to the same conclusion that my wife (of 17 years) and family are the most important to me. I did much exploring in my college days and before I was married, and determined that the gay life was not for me. Yet, I still find men attractive and struggle with those thoughts constantly. Itís always self-doubt. I came clean with my wife about 10-11 years ago when I acted on a fantasy. It almost killed our marriage and ripped me apart. Iím not one that can keep a secret. Well, about a year ago, our marriage was little rocky, as they all get from time to time, and of course all the self-doubt starts again. I start searching the net, the links etc, etc. etc. and...., rationalized another male-to-male exchange was required for reassurance of who I was and where I was suppose to be in life. Well, mistake number two! At the end of the day, I was filled with regret. Of course I disclosed to my wife and I was sick and a wreck for weeks. I thought this was the end of my life as I knew it and for what. My wife and I worked it out. Amazingly. It is something that is always between us and as been extremely detrimental to our marriage.

I still struggle with the thoughts when they occur. I begin to analysis them and wonder if am I just looking for a little love, and this is my way of finding it. Think about what you are looking for. Once you go down a path, sometimes itís hard to get off it before itís to late, even if it is just being curious. Remember what happened to the curious cat. Some of my life lessons.


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#173796 - 08/17/07 12:34 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: Lazarus]
treadmill_guy Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/15/07
Posts: 9
Loc: California
Lazarus,

I haven't been ignoring you, just busy today. I will respond to you and TIN sometime tomorrow.

Thanks for the replies.


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#175767 - 08/25/07 03:17 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to them? [Re: treadmill_guy]
jakemed Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 37
ahhh...the penis...wouldn't you know. I am basically straight, been married for years and yet I desire that as well sometimes. I don't know if I am bisexual or seeking that "object" that changed my life so long ago. Sometimes, it doesn't seem like there is rhymn or reason about obsessions (me anyway) AND many times we want a logical answer to such an illogical problem. Hell, I don't even ask the question anymore.(well, thats a lie cause sometimes I still do) To me, it is so normal, apart of my overall desires...the real issue for me is the fear of looking for it and actually acting out. My wife is very understanding...but not that understanding...jake


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#175768 - 08/25/07 03:25 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: TIN]
jakemed Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 37
TIN...boy I relate to your post...I have struggled with the same types of things....for years. I am in a good place now, found some balance after really understanding what I really wanted in a relationship...but that is me. It hasn't always been that way though. I still fantizes and look alot but that is all. My wife has been part of my journey though.

Great to know there are others out there who have had similar experiences...jake


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#178090 - 09/03/07 10:12 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: jakemed]
TIN Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/09/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Frederick MD
Thanks jakemed. It is nice to know others in the same boat I have been in. I'm keeping my fantizes from becoming actions. My wife has been part of this journey for me as well. It's just not something I can share in great detail with my wife. I long for the honest man to man disclosure to feel free to have this type of dialogue and not hide behind those thoughts. I accept they are part of me and am in good place now in with my wife. My wife says she accepts, but I always have self doubt. And it isn't something you talk about at the monthly card game with the guys. Or least I have not found a friend yet they I would feel comfortable disclosing and having the friendship fall apart.


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#178176 - 09/04/07 10:14 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: treadmill_guy]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
From an article by Merle James Yost on Sexual Addiction and CSA. This was sent to me by a therapist who tells me mine is all about a contra phobia or a repetition compulsion. This may help you understand how you feel compelled to act out and why.

In my experience, many men that have been labeled as sexual addicts are in reality experiencing a repetition compulsion. The circumstances of the initial abuse so stimulated them that their young bodies and minds were unable to process or contain the overwhelming sensations. Consequently, they froze inside and they associated sex and sexual feelings with these overwhelming sensations and often feel a power imbalance is part of sex, so they attempt to recreate the situation in an effort to complete the gestalt. They are trying to complete this unfinished experience. The child part of him is trying to find a way out of the loop he is in and to the outside world this often looks like sexual addiction. The acting out behavior could start as a repetition compulsion and turn into an addiction as well.



When a boy has been sexually assaulted, his life changes forever. There can be small to extreme changes in behaviors, moods, and attitudes about people, himself and the world. These feelings do not go away and the impact is not minor regardless of how the boy appears to be taking it. Children do what they need to do to survive. They may feel that their survival depends upon hiding this experience at all costs. Treatment is the only answer to really recovering. Left untreated, the wounds follow the man into adulthood and impact their relationships with everyone. Admitting the pain is terrible, but the victim stands to gain a life without the pain of the abuse. Men can and do heal from childhood sexual abuse.




Edited by kellygtx (09/04/07 10:14 AM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#178213 - 09/04/07 12:26 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: kellygtx]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Merle Yost is a great guy, and one of the only therapists (outside of the facilitators at the WoRs) I have met that really gets it.



Edited by Dewey2k (09/04/07 12:27 PM)

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#179018 - 09/07/07 04:32 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: Dewey2k]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
Lazarus, while I am sure you mean well, I am astounded to read anything so harsh on this board where people are really, really vulnerable about sexual identity issues as:

"I've never met a man or woman who called themselves bisexual who wasn't really gay and just afraid or unwilling to admit it."

Fair enough you said *you* had not met one, but for the posterirty of this thread -- I have met tons and tons of them.


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#180423 - 09/15/07 12:06 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: testingWaters]
easterneurope Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 60
Loc: eastern europe
this might be too simplistic for some, but I'm concluded that the early abuse when the penis was so much a part of it all.... it flips a switch in our heads. I mean, because it is a sexual switch, it really complicates things. I often think "a man, a long time ago, flipped a switch in me that told me that I was only as good as the pleasure I could give his penis."

_________________________


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