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#178862 - 09/07/07 07:01 AM The Dynamics of Family
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
I've spent most of this week triggered by my relatives. Over the past weekend we attended a family gathering at my parent's where all of my siblings were present. When husband began going through his csa issues and the therapist recommended that he do what was best for himself to heal, we withdrew from both sides of our families to focus on starting our own traditions with our children.

I too have grown to realize that many of my siblings were just not healthy to be around. The strange thing is, I feel guilty for their horrible behavior towards me...as if I should be loyal to those that have mistreated me both in the past and present day. Being family does not give anyone the right to be mean spirited to us...as if there is an automatic "free pass" for cruel behavior.

I suppose this is a good lesson on what my husband must be feeling but to a much higher degree. The dynamics within a dysfunctional family is almost too much to cope with at times.
It is the pecking order and often not a very pleasant way to grow up. The confusion comes in because the mean spirit is only a fraction of how it was. There were good times as well, but it is all of the times that a child is stepped on just because those around them could, is what is festering beneath the surface of my feelings here.

As we were leaving my parents, my older brother called out to me that he would see me at his annual party towards the end of October. That was very kind of him to make that demand, (yes sarcasm here) but ultimately, the choice is mine and mine alone as to whether to put myself out there exposed to that dynamic once again. Family or not, I have the option of determining who is a healthy-positive influence and who is best to avoid. I have a responsibility to look out for my own welfare and it is time that I do.

I just thought I'd share this realization.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#178946 - 09/07/07 11:13 AM Re: The Dynamics of Family [Re: sweet-n-sour]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
S-N-S,

Since my husband's abuse, he has been made out to be not worth anything.

Now as we're going through everything, I feel very protective of him. His immediate family are the only ones who know and they are supportive. However some of the extended family makes it quite obvious that they think he's not "one of them." My husband doesn't want to see them anymore. Normally, I would make him go, but I decided it was best to stay away also. It will be very difficult at Christmas, but we decided to start our own (healthy) family traditions.

Dealing with our family's dysfunction is hard enough outside dealing with the CSA, so we won't pass that chaos on to our children.

Enjoy your own traditions.

V.



Edited by violet (09/24/07 09:07 PM)
_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#178947 - 09/07/07 11:13 AM Re: The Dynamics of Family [Re: sweet-n-sour]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
... hey sns ... yes, you are entirely responsible for looking out for your own welfare and that of your family ... and your family is you, your husband and your children ... and if you don't want to go to your brother's party, then don't ... it's as simple as that ...

... i read a really good book on boundaries that i picked up at the library ... i'll find the title and author and send it to you ... it has some really great suggestions ...

hugs,
selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#178948 - 09/07/07 11:15 AM Re: The Dynamics of Family [Re: violet]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Oh, and not being around extended family keeps me from wanting to give someone a whomping when they ask "What's wrong with your husband?"

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#179474 - 09/10/07 05:12 PM Re: The Dynamics of Family [Re: violet]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Violet and Selene:

Thanks for your input and support! I believe we will be okay. We are working to find our way to a new life together and thanks to therapy and the wonderful support on such forums, we are able to develop a new sense of freedom. We have choices, we can make plans, we can accept or reject invitations...the whole key here is "we," our family and what is healthy for us emotionally speaking.

Positive influences are crucial at this point for our well being. It is very clear to me now.

Thank you for your thoughts on this issue.

S-n-S
p.s. Selene, I would appreciate the title that you mentioned since I am always willing to learn more and grow regarding boundaries. (not my strongest asset) Thanks!!!

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#179567 - 09/10/07 11:47 PM Re: The Dynamics of Family [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

sns, violet, selene...

I have completely cut out most of my family from my life...they
are the "dysfunction" in my life..they constantly crossed my
boundaries and refused to accept that I had any at all...

we are currently working on creating a NEW FUNCTIONAL FAMLIY
w/ what is left of our kids and the 2 of us (my GF and I)...

It's hard, as I am totally sick and twisted in my thinking...
but my psychologist will help me sort it all out...plus my
GF is frickin AWESOME, she is totally supportive in my recovery...

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#179593 - 09/11/07 08:02 AM Re: The Dynamics of Family [Re: Frog]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Frog:

I admire you for all of the work you are doing with your psychologist to create a new functional family. I feel the initial step forward to accomplish this is the most difficult. You are very fortunate to have gf on your side and to appreciate her IS "frickin AWESOME!"

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#179772 - 09/12/07 01:36 AM Re: The Dynamics of Family [Re: sweet-n-sour]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
... sns ... that book is "Boundaries : where you end and I begin" ... by Anne Katherine ... maybe i thought it was great because it was pretty much the first book i've read on boundaries and it was a real eye opener for me ...

hugs,
selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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