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#178688 - 09/06/07 04:14 PM my fault
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
my fault i think, evrything really i mean Everything ok here, was my fault that he had a drinking problem was my fault that he got hurt on the job was my fault that he had to retire early because of this drinking problme that was my fault - i already said that - it was my fault that gas prices and cigarette prices went up, it was my fault that people died that he loved, the rain was my fault, parking and speeing tickets - yup my fault, it was especialy my fault when he ran out of booze and was certainly my fault when he was lonely because my mother left
taxes are my fault, having to shovel because theres t6o much snow in the driveway, my fault. everything EVERYTHING

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#178698 - 09/06/07 04:27 PM Re: my fault [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

I know this is a rough one; it's one of those things we just have to keep working away at. That feeling is deeply rooted in many of us and even though it's a totally false idea it's there all the same.

Part of the problem is that as we recover it takes time for the things we believe and feel to catch up to what we know. For me the big monster was my feeling of worthlessness. I knew I was not worthless as either a boy or a man, but the feeling was still there. For you the monster is "It was all my fault".

Another part of the difficulty is that kids see the world as centered around themselves and their needs, and when things go wrong they are quick to blame themselves. I saw an example of this awhile back that might help you see how this works.

A group of boys were having fun at a birthday party one of them was having in his home, when suddenly there was a loud crash from the kitchen. An adult had dropped a large glass bowl and it smashed on the floor. You should have seen the boys! They all froze and looked at each other, each wondering to himself, "Whose fault is that? Did I do that?", even though none of them was even in the room.

Keep talking about it, Jesse. That's a powerful way to get rid of these negative feelings.

Much lve,
Larry


_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#178703 - 09/06/07 04:35 PM Re: my fault [Re: roadrunner]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
have to blmaame somebody so might as well be ME

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#178738 - 09/06/07 05:03 PM Re: my fault [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

That's exactly how so many abused boys feel. Someone has to be to blame, and they just can't imagine that the guilty party could be the abuser. Who does that leave?

But thousands have come to see what you will also come to see, Jesse: that abuse can never be the victim's fault. One by one we can tear up and discard all the arguments that make it seem like it's our fault. It never was and never could be.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#179579 - 09/11/07 01:00 AM Re: my fault [Re: roadrunner]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

The easiest person to blame is the one who couldn't defend himself then -- you. We've all felt the shame and the worthlessness that allowed us to accept the idea that we were indeed to blame for everything that happened. And, as children, we wanted to believe we were the center of the world, or at least the center of attention (in a good way).
When bad things happen and those who are responsible for them (the abusers) want to find someone to blame, they deflect attention by finding a scapegoat, even if that scapegoat did nothing wrong. I know from experience. Though I may have contributed to problems, I wasn't responsible for the rage of the parents in the family I lived with as a young adult. Nor was it me that chain-smoked their cigarettes, conned everyone they met, and then blamed me for everything that went wrong (including money problems, their anger, etc.), in front of their kids.
I can imagine how much more a child can accept that he is the problem when I, as an adult with horrible problems connected with CSA, believed what these people said about me. And, if the parents are lying, who can the child trust to tell the truth, since a child has to have someone to trust? I'm sorry. Your father failed, and then blamed you. I hope that truth does reach you heart.

Ed


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