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#178659 - 09/06/07 01:53 PM Don't Do It (Triggers)
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
I thought I would tell you a little bit more about me – so that you may not repeat the same mistakes. In my story I did not mention cutting myself – something I did for 35 years. I did not mention it because it gives me as much guilt and shame as acting out sexually. Although I don’t have a drug or alcohol problem (but for the grace of the Beloved), cutting was my “drug” of choice.

I could do it in ways and places no one knew about. It started on my hands and arms and but that was not enough…I had to see it on the inside of my legs. Seeing it brought me right back to the bedroom when I was 10 – seeing the blood and thinking I was going to die. It was the first time I would bleed like that – and the rush it gave me was something out of this world. That’s why it was my “drug” of choice. The sting, the euphoria, and the sight of the “red tears” (as I have come to call them) seemed to make me feel better – a pressure valve.

I say this not to excite you but to warn you – this is an awful addiction – every bit as powerful as drugs, alcohol, or sex. It is just another self-destructive coping skill that I (or maybe you) have. It is so easy to get lost in and feel the numbness. But you know what – the pain returns, along with more self-hate, loathing, and sadness…such profound sadness. You make all those promises – and you have every intention of keeping – only to slip back into the sea of misery. Don’t start. If you are thinking about it or doing it and want to talk, just PM me and know that you are not alone and are not crazy – and that you can stop – I have not cut myself since December of 2006.




Edited by kellygtx (09/06/07 01:57 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#178661 - 09/06/07 01:59 PM Re: Don't Do It (Triggers) [Re: kellygtx]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: kellygtx
I have not cut myself since December of 2006.

Congratulations. Just admitting this took incredible courage, but to abstain from it for so long is commendable.

Well done!


M


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#178663 - 09/06/07 02:03 PM Re: Don't Do It (Triggers) [Re: MarkK]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Just writing it made me so anxious - rejection, fear, self-loathing - it all came back. Would you guys think I was a bigger freak, a fool, suicidal? I can't breathe now - but thank you for the kind words Mark.

Peace be with you and <<<<Mark>>>>



Edited by kellygtx (09/06/07 02:04 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

Top
#178666 - 09/06/07 02:15 PM Re: Don't Do It (Triggers) [Re: kellygtx]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
Kelly,

I don't know if this will help anyone but I thought I would throw it out there. I have never had a problem with cutting myself but I do have someone close to me that did.

They went to several Ts and mental facilities for this as well as other things and nothing helped. Then they found a great T trained in the latest schools of thoughts. He told them anytime they felt the need to cut them selfs to get a bucket and fill it with a lot of ice and some water and to stick their arms into it for a second and pull them back out and to do this a few times. He said this extreme hot and cold treatment triggered the same effects in the brain as cutting oneself. Best that I can tell it seems to work for them. I don't know if this would be true of all.

Brokensoul.


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#178745 - 09/06/07 06:08 PM Re: Don't Do It (Triggers) [Re: brokensoul]
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
Kelly that took an extreme amount of courage to share them here. I for one am extremely grateful you did. I haven't done that before, but I too share a lot of suicidal ideation.

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

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#183677 - 10/01/07 02:02 AM Re: Don't Do It (Triggers) [Re: bp83]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

Though I've never cut myself, I think I can understand the desire to do it. Someone who has done it told me it's a way to feel, and to be aware of being alive. It's pretty horrible when the only way to drown out other kinds of pain is through physical pain.
I too congratulate you on not having done it since December, and pray that you will continue to find better ways to deal with the hardships of healing than through cutting yourself. You have friends here, and need not be ashamed of anything. Though the variations are different, a lot of us either numb the pain or deal with it in healthy ways, which we're now doing.

Ed


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