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#141057 - 02/10/07 09:24 PM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: FormerTexan]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Mick,

My brother was 3 years older than me. I know of guys here where the person that abused then was 1 year older. It all comes down to where the abuser has a position of control over you. That control can be emotional, physical, implied or other forms.

The sad thing is once as a child you have been wounded you are vulnerable and you become powerless to defend yourself. You have less and less strength to resist next time – regardless of whether you know it’s wrong or not, and remember you are now looking at all of this through adult eyes but when it was happening you were not an adult.

As LostAndFound mentioned, seeing a Therapist is highly advisable if you can – and when you are ready to do so. I have been seeing one who specialises in male childhood sexual abuse (that’s crucial) for 18 months. I took time for me to be ready to do that, but it is so helpful. I’m still working up the courage to join a physical support group here in my home town. Soon perhaps? Step by step I guess. We all need to take this in our own time.


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#141062 - 02/10/07 09:53 PM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: Mick^]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Mick,

You asked about the experience of admitting what happened. When I admitted to myself, 25 years later, about what the perp from my teen years did, I struggled to use the word "rape." But that was what it was, and I still remember now the very moment when I was able to admit that to myself. It was a turning point for me, the first of many.

Emotionally, it was an earthquake. It got worse before it started getting better, but looking at it now, the worse and the better, I wouldn't avoid doing it if I had to face the choice again. If I could go back in time, I'd face the truth sooner rather than later. (Wishful thinking, pure fantasy. We all face the truth no earlier than when we're ready for it.)

This is a good place to be. There are a lot of people here who can understand something of what you're feeling. No one can know exactly what it's like for you, but we each know what it's like, what it's been like on our individual journeys.

Hang in there. You'll probably find at some point that you'd like to try to trust a therapist or counselor. I suppose it could be possible for someone to heal without T, but that someone sure would not have been me. When you're ready for that, it'll be another turning point. When you're ready.

Thanks,

Joe


_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#178220 - 09/04/07 01:48 PM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: Mick^]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Mick^ -

I was also abused by my brother who was 4+ years my senior. Mine started when I was 10 and lasted 2 years so I think we have a lot in common. I spent the next 35 years cutting myself just to feel something as I was so zoned out. After his death of AIDS in 1993 I started to act out sexually. I always faced the nausea, anxiety, and real pain. Being filled with guilt and shame is an awful way to live.

It does help to reach out on this board. And as hard as it is to talk about, find a support group and talk. You will see you are not alone. And read books like Abused Boys by Mic Hunter.



Edited by kellygtx (09/04/07 01:48 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#178335 - 09/05/07 05:47 AM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: kellygtx]
ca_tallguy Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 17
Loc: California
I can relate to a lot of you in this post. My brother is 1.5 years older than me and opened the can of worms that have followed me through life when I was maybe 10. He also abused the sister just younger than me, and later on when she got too old and put a stop to it, our baby sister. I have come to the realization over just the last few days that this, along with abuse by an older man that I worked for when I was around 16, really screwed up my development and the effects have tormented me to the present.

As others have experienced, I have acted out sexually and in many other ways throughout life, not to mention trouble with socializing, relationships, and anxiety in quite a number of situations. I thought it was just me and was in denial about the abuse having anything to do with it until now.

The hard part for me is that I think my brother may have been abused in even a more horrific way by others. When I confronted him a few weeks ago, he said something like, "nobody cares what happened to me." My response to him was that he should address it the way my siblings and I were trying to address what happened to us. But it doesn't lessen the damage inflicted upon us.

In any case, I have been beyond angry about what he did to my sisters, and am now angry about what he did to me now that I am no longer denying the impact. I don't know if I can ever forgive him but wonder if I should try if I confirm that he was severely abused/sexualized by others as I suspect. I seem to have been able to avoid becoming a perpetrator of abuse on others. Shouldn't he have been able to stop himself as well?

I think that I could forgive him if he were leading the best life he possibly could to try to make up for it. But he is far from doing that.


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#178624 - 09/06/07 11:27 AM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: ca_tallguy]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
ca tallguy,

Most probably you are right thinking that your brother was also abused. This stuff just doesn't pop into a young persons mind to do these things.

That aside, your recovery is paramount. For me, I assume my brother must have also been abused but the thoughts you have of "why did he have to then do it to me also?" come my way but of course those are questions we may never get valid or sensical answers to.

As far as "what about him?". Again, work on you first.


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