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#178603 - 09/06/07 10:21 AM To cut or not to cut...
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
I had an alarming thing happen yesterday. I had a very emotional day. I had done something inadvetantly to hurt my best friend very deeply. I was very upset and had a lot of very destructive thoughts about myself... the old tapes of how worthless and bad I am... and out of the blue, I got the very strong urge to cut myself. I envisioned a knife moving across my arm, on the inside of my elbow... and the deep red blood spewing out.

The scary thing was, when I had this mental image, I got a sense of deep calmness... like it was the answer to my pain. I freaked out... I started hitting myself in the face with my fist.. a behavior I had as an adolesent but haven't done in many years.

I did not cut... but the idea has not left me. I feel like I'm in control now, but I'm anxious about the thoughts. What is this about? Any insights?

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#178607 - 09/06/07 10:27 AM Re: To cut or not to cut... [Re: dannym]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Dan,

As someone who cut himself for 35 years in places no one was ment to be cut I can say DO NOT start down that path. I have posted some poems about cutting that may help you understand how I feel. I can tell you it only adds to the guilt and shame and does NOTHING to take the pain away.

PLEASE PLEASE DON"T START! PM ME - DO ANYTHING - BUT DON'T CUT YOURSELF - IT IS FOOLS GOLD.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#178608 - 09/06/07 10:29 AM Re: To cut or not to cut... [Re: dannym]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i have never had the urge to cut. (honestly deep down i think im too vain.) but i have a thing with blood. i used to use heroin and when you inject it, you draw your blood into the vile so your blood mixes and with the heroin and then you push the mixture back in. seeing my blood does something for me. maybe because i feel like im alive? that there is more to me that is on the surface? i dont know. but the thing i miss most about using is not the actual drug, (okay maybe thats a lie) but i really miss the process. the set up. the anticipation. the part where i mix my blood with the drug.

maybe that has nothing to do with your post.. but i tried.


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#178609 - 09/06/07 10:30 AM Re: To cut or not to cut... [Re: kellygtx]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Thanks Kelly. I don't think I would start... I just don't know where the thought came from. I don't ever remember having the urge to do that... I have done self harming things in the past, but never that... why is it happening now? I'm very confuse.

Thanks for your warning and concern.. I promise, i will PM you if it gets too strong.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#178611 - 09/06/07 10:34 AM Re: To cut or not to cut... [Re: dannym]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Thanks Jarrad... that does help... When I read your reply I flashed to a fascination I've always had when i have blood drawn... of watching the vile fill up so rapidly... it seems very twisted and I have never admitted that... but I do get a sense of calm when I see that... like you said, to see evidence that I am alive.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#178628 - 09/06/07 11:57 AM Re: To cut or not to cut... [Re: dannym]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Actually the cutting thing is a big process. For me it started for many reasons beyond the last SA. I was like a robot being controlled, completely emotionless. For that reason I needed to feel sth. The first time I didn't feel anything at all just like as if I was drugged or anesthetized, but after a while it changed.
For that reason, it turned into an addiction that became much worse after the last SA. Joint with the feelings of scorn, disgust, guilty and everything mixed together...
I can say that it's not a good feeling. It must be wrong to self-harm because since we're born we learn we must take care of ourselves. I did all that I could to stop it but until now I wasn't able. But I believe that one day it will stop. As the famous quote "Everything that has a beggining has an end".

So, please, don't start with this. It's bad and doesn't worth it.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#178631 - 09/06/07 12:06 PM Re: To cut or not to cut... [Re: user2007]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Hey my friend,

I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort or something to say here. Physical self-harm is one road I haven't traveled because for me it's too close to complete self-destruction.

As for "why is it happening now" I can only say it's been my experience when I reach a milestone - a goal - something that is positive, I am often (though not always) beset with a larger obstacle.

I think it's all part of progress. The higher we climb, the greater the risk of falling, the thinner the atmosphere, the more dangerous the path. But at the same time, I'm told the view from on the way up is phenomenal, not to mention the view from the top...

M


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#178642 - 09/06/07 12:24 PM Re: To cut or not to cut... [Re: MarkK]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
thanks Mark... nice to have a climbing partner... but watch out for those falling rocks! lol

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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