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#178591 - 09/06/07 09:18 AM trying to make the right decision....
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Today over the subject of my bf's sexual attraction to me physically, he told me he doesn't get aroused to the point of erection.


I am so tired of trying to figure out what everything means and had to go lie down. I just don't think I can do this anymore. I am thinking of suggesting a break. Nothing permanent necessarily, but definately some space. I'm not sure that's possible under the same roof, so I will have to ask him to stay somewhere else for a while. I feel totally traumatised and shaken by this situation.....I really wanted to believe I can trust him again, but I just feel hurt. Apart from the kids and how this will impact on them, and my bf's feelings, I feel quite positive about being on my own for a bit. Except it is all a bit daunting too....


It doesn't actually feel real and I realise I am far more worried about how this will effect my bf than myself.....



peace
Beccy


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#178592 - 09/06/07 09:26 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: beccy]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Hi Beccy !

Maybe a break is exactly what you need - remove the choas for a while. Maybe it would give you a chance to clear your head and take a step back and look at things from a different angle.

Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#178665 - 09/06/07 02:09 PM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: savemyfam]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thankyou Angie,

We have talked and he seemed to think it was a good idea...even seemed relieved. Well, I don't blame him, this has all been such a nightmare.


I feel completely daunted by the situation and like I'm just putting one foot in front of the other to just about function properly for our children.


Perhaps you are right and it will help us both to get a clearer head......I have no idea at the moment,


peace
Beccy


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#178854 - 09/07/07 04:47 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: beccy]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
ok, I wavered slightly, and let him stay last night, but in the light of a new day, I have come to the conclusion I feel like nothing but a worthless piece of crap with him and want him away from me.


Relationships are all about letting the other person know how you feel about them and what you want aren't they? Well, all I know is that it comes accross as completely unclear all the time what my bf actually wants and I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.


He sits there looking sorry for HIMSELF. As far as i can tell he is far too busy having a relationship with his own dick to know what he actually wants with anyone else, so perhaps having time alone with that, or maybe all this fantastic sex he must surely be missing with anyone else will help bring him closer to knowing what he actually wants with his life....or maybe not. I'm not sure I would ever be able to feel good about myself with him again anyway.


I feel like I wasted all my energy on a man who I don't even like anymore.


He said the reason he told me he doesn't get aroused to the point of erection looking at my body, was to let me know where I stand with him. What the hell is that supposed to mean? WHAT IS IT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I'm sorry but right now all I feel is hatred. And I don't want him in this house or to be anywhere near me.


I appologise for my anger, but there's nowhere else to vent it right now...


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#178860 - 09/07/07 06:35 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: beccy]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Beccy:

Hey. You are doing what you must do for yourself. YOU do have self worth and if you do not look after Beccy, who will? I can sense your anger and maybe some time apart will do you both a world of good. I know from past postings that you have been holding on for the benefit of your children.

I think both people in a relationship must be in it for the right reasons. Having children together is a good motivator to do everything to try to make it work, but I know from the way I grew up that it should not be the only deciding factor. We are all examples to our children and they learn more about life by what they see rather then what we try to teach them about relationships. Getting it right for ourselves or doing our best to make it better matters not only to us but to our children.

I read in a book not long ago that the number one key to raising happy, well adjusted children was to be a happy parent! It makes so much sense and in seeing how miserable my parents were and how that legacy just continues, it makes me want to do everything in my power to rise above the many challenges that has been thrown in our path.

You probably need to find Beccy once again! She's in there, a good person, a happy person just waiting to come out. Maybe you belong with bf, maybe not. The only way to figure it out is to do the work, to grow and to really dig deep.

I wish you the best as always!

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#178953 - 09/07/07 11:38 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: sweet-n-sour]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thankyou S-n-S,


My head and emotions feel all over the place today....

I seem to feel guilty, but am holding onto the fact that I am honouring my OWN feelings. I am not betraying myself,



peace
Beccy


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#178992 - 09/07/07 03:09 PM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: beccy]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Hi Beccy!!!

Hang in there!! I know exactly how you feel. I had to go see my soon to be ex-husband this morning to sign some papers and I just got back.

Does this sound familiar??? He says to me "all of this is so sad" and that he has no control, that I have all of the control over our situation. I told him "you know what Joe, your right - you don't have control and maybe someday you'll find your control". So boo hoo for Joe, the victim in all of this. Poor Joe that wants it all - to be able to drink himself into being an angry animal, and still have his family around him.

Hold on tight Beccy, this is going to be nasty FUCK HIM !!!! I released him to live the life that he so apparently wanted - I told him to embrace his inner alcoholic without me holding him back. Now he thinks this is sad. But he's still not willing to face his issues.

Okay so back to you - they want it all and the rest of us can't have it all so why should they????? So you and I are going to hold tight together that we are not going to take back seat any longer!!!!!

You deserve to be happy!!!!! And it is my greatest wish that you will find your happiness!!!

You still holding on to that new found dignity sister?????

Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#179024 - 09/07/07 05:32 PM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: savemyfam]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Beccy,

Do what's right for you and the kids. Keep as friendly a relationship as you can with your b/f and do what you need to do. He is the father of your children, therefore, you won't get a complete break from him, nor he from you. The kids will keep you in contact whether you want to be or not, but you can control how that contact works. You can make this OK Beccy. Make smart decisions, not emotional ones and things will calm down much faster that you can imagine. I know that's not easy, but for your own sanity, give it your best shot.

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#179030 - 09/07/07 06:17 PM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: Trish4850]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
... beccy ... i don't know what to say to make you feel any better ... i'm glad, though, that you're taking your own self into consideration here ... only you can decide what is right for you ... just like only your bf can decide what is best for him ... your children will be happiest with two happy, fulfilled and honest and open parents ... however it is that comes about ...

... i do wish you well and that this wasn't so difficult for you ...

hugs,
selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#179782 - 09/12/07 05:38 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: selene]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Ok, so we're still together and I was nervous about coming back here and sharing that fact.

We have done a lot more talking and understand each-other a little better now. I still feel very anxious about things, but willing to see how it goes from here.


I am still feeling like there's a lot more I will need from him to trust him again. And I am trusting that feeling and looking out for myself.......


He said he didn't feel I accept his sexuality. He didn't feel liked. He was quite angry about it. He said it seemed I wouldn't be happy unless it was meaningless to him, but to him it's just something he gets some enjoyment from. It's a part of him and isn't meaningless. I felt angry that AGAIN why were we talking about his fantasy? I said I can't be a part of it, can I? And everything it's signified has been a total threat in my life. And he always talks about it being so GREAT. And if it's a thing left over from the abuse, that is the very thing which nearly tore my family apart. Put me through hell..........I said I felt like he is asking me to like it, which doesn;t really make any sense to me, since the other day he was talking about HIM hating anything which was remotely related to the abuse still affecting his life. He hates it, but he wants me to like it? It seems he doesn't really connect his fantasies to his abuse........which is a bit confusing.......He accepted how hard it is for me and he said that sexually, I have the bigger part of him. I have the bigger part of him......it is like I need to repeat that over and over......


I said I feel pressured to like it in a way I'm not sure how to. I explained I feel very threatened by it. I can't share it, or be a part of it in any way. I have had to go through listening to how much he maybe wanted to go and do it. It makes me feel completely inadequate as a lover. He did listen and explained he's been very wrapped up in his own stuff and that he's not asking me to accept the way he's been with me........


The things I am worried about:


Intimacy
How many things he still has to process(repressed anger from things between us and anything else)
My fragility/neediness at this point




So....do you think I'm crazy? I am thankful I have a session with my T tonight.



peace
Beccy


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#179783 - 09/12/07 06:36 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: beccy]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Your not crazy Beccy - you'd be crazy if all of this didn't bother you.

"He said he didn't feel I accept his sexuality. He didn't feel liked. He was quite angry about it. He said it seemed I wouldn't be happy unless it was meaningless to him, but to him it's just something he gets some enjoyment from." - Wierd, that's exactly what my husband says about his drinking, like I was supposed to accept it like it was a good thing.

Don't be worried about sharing anything, we're all here to support you not to judge you.

Take care,
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#179785 - 09/12/07 07:40 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: savemyfam]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Angie, thankyou for your support....

I think perhaps you mistook my meaning of worrying I am crazy.....I meant am I crazy to still be with him.......


I was worried everyone would tell me I'm an idiot.


peace
Beccy


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#179789 - 09/12/07 08:10 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: savemyfam]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Beccy:

You and I have discussed this issue in great detail in the past. Ultimately, I feel we all must do what we feel in our hearts is best to do...no need to explain our decisions, ever. This whole thing is stressful beyond imagining. Unless a person lives it there is no way anyone could possibly grasp how heavy of an issue it is to us!

I've been thinking about this in great detail as of recent. Of course you must understand how my mind works, I write stories, I invent scenario's and in doing this, it helps me to understand. When my sister's partner finally admitted after two years of them living together that she and my sister were in a gay relationship, I was very supportive. I didn't have much experience with lesbian relationships, so I sat down and wrote a novel about a gay couple in order to obtain a deeper mode of understanding.

At first I concluded that being in a relationship with someone that could understand me by having the same biological makeup would be fantastic. I mean, how can a man understand menstruation and all of the emotional baggage that accompanies this without actually feeling it? I dug further examining everyday problems within a relationship and what the difference would be in having a female partner. Although I never quite understood or went into great detail with sexual intimacy. I considered the tenderness of a loving kiss, the unconditional support from one another...every aspect that I have experienced during the past with my husband.

In the end I found enlightenment. I believe it is not if a person is gay or straight...it's a need of having a connection to another soul that truly "gets" us in life. I suspect many of the men who have been abused by men have serious trust issues towards men. How can they relate to them at all without such trust? They can't. Sex is the ultimate leap of faith in a healthy relationship. I believe they look at porn, fantasize, invent a scenario just as I do in writing that enables them to have a "safe" encounter. They maintain control, but the interesting part is, they are fantasizing based only on what they know within them, abuse. The perfert man on the other side should be everything that they have missed out on within a platonic relationship...this need to connect leads them to believe they are confused when in fact, they are craving a humanness that was stolen from them so long ago.

Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm just a writer with an overactive imagination trying to explain a man's perspective in this from a woman's insight. The truth is, I may never understand this part of the effects of csa completely. I can invent scenario's but I am not a male survivor so I may never actually find this enlightenment.

What I do know is that when we love the person we are with, we do our best to understand, to comfort and to accept their struggles as if they are our own. I was writing something this morning that really sparked some emotion. I revisited the birth of our first born. Husband was absolutely amazing in how he supported me through that process. Maybe I need to look at this process for him as one big birthing process. He is the newborn infant trying to rediscover life all the way from the beginning once again.

Well, I believe we've all ready begun to understand the male survivor in a much more enlightened way. Maybe in a year or five years we'll look back with a stronger sense of confidence in our relationships and be proud of going the distance hand in hand to see this through.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#179793 - 09/12/07 08:47 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: sweet-n-sour]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thanks S-n-S,



I understand exactly what you're saying there. I just hope that on the other side of his journey, my bf doesn't realise he would in fact, rather be with a man. If it is all a complicated mix-up due to the abuse, like i understand you are talking about, then indeed all of this can be worked through and become clearer over time......


With so many intimacy issues(on both sides) still in the picture I find it difficult to guage the situation. There are times when I find his behaviour confusing and I feel I have no idea about what's going on. At the moment I realise I am feeling really completely inadequate and some of that ties into the awkward moments....


A large part of me is still expecting him to turn round at some point and tell me he made a mistake and doesn't want to be with me anymore.


peace
Beccy


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#179794 - 09/12/07 09:03 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: beccy]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Beccy:

So true your fear regarding bf deciding he would rather be with a man...it is a possibility for you, for me, for most of us here with a survivor who faces such confusion. The only way to know how it is going to play out however, is to stay in the relationship to find out, yes? If you walk away now, will you wonder for the rest of your life, did I do the right thing?

As you know, a few weeks ago I packed my husband's bags and asked him to leave. I felt that he had stepped on my boundaries and that I needed to let him know just how serious I was about standing my ground. Although it didn't quite turn out the way I had anticipated, my point is, I was doing what I felt I needed to do in order to look after me. I had reached my emotional limit...I believed that in five years if I gazed into his computer that I'd still find the same stuff that I found when this whole mess began...I felt that he was not being honest with me or himself regarding his sexual identity. I didn't trust him. When trust has been shattered how does a person rebuild it? The truth is, it is not up to me to rebuild it. I did nothing to destroy it in the first place, he did.

Last evening husband and I began a new journey. It all started with a walk two blocks down the road to a yoga class. It may not seem like much to anyone else but to me it is a healing process in mind, body and spirit. WE are embarking on this together...a fresh start as a couple...a clean slate at healing.

There are no certainties for any of us. All we can do is our best. We all have the responsibility for our own happiness and it is time to take charge of our own journeys along this great road in life.

Best Wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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