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#178591 - 09/06/07 09:18 AM trying to make the right decision....
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Today over the subject of my bf's sexual attraction to me physically, he told me he doesn't get aroused to the point of erection.


I am so tired of trying to figure out what everything means and had to go lie down. I just don't think I can do this anymore. I am thinking of suggesting a break. Nothing permanent necessarily, but definately some space. I'm not sure that's possible under the same roof, so I will have to ask him to stay somewhere else for a while. I feel totally traumatised and shaken by this situation.....I really wanted to believe I can trust him again, but I just feel hurt. Apart from the kids and how this will impact on them, and my bf's feelings, I feel quite positive about being on my own for a bit. Except it is all a bit daunting too....


It doesn't actually feel real and I realise I am far more worried about how this will effect my bf than myself.....



peace
Beccy


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#178592 - 09/06/07 09:26 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: beccy]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Hi Beccy !

Maybe a break is exactly what you need - remove the choas for a while. Maybe it would give you a chance to clear your head and take a step back and look at things from a different angle.

Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#178665 - 09/06/07 02:09 PM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: savemyfam]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thankyou Angie,

We have talked and he seemed to think it was a good idea...even seemed relieved. Well, I don't blame him, this has all been such a nightmare.


I feel completely daunted by the situation and like I'm just putting one foot in front of the other to just about function properly for our children.


Perhaps you are right and it will help us both to get a clearer head......I have no idea at the moment,


peace
Beccy


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#178854 - 09/07/07 04:47 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: beccy]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
ok, I wavered slightly, and let him stay last night, but in the light of a new day, I have come to the conclusion I feel like nothing but a worthless piece of crap with him and want him away from me.


Relationships are all about letting the other person know how you feel about them and what you want aren't they? Well, all I know is that it comes accross as completely unclear all the time what my bf actually wants and I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.


He sits there looking sorry for HIMSELF. As far as i can tell he is far too busy having a relationship with his own dick to know what he actually wants with anyone else, so perhaps having time alone with that, or maybe all this fantastic sex he must surely be missing with anyone else will help bring him closer to knowing what he actually wants with his life....or maybe not. I'm not sure I would ever be able to feel good about myself with him again anyway.


I feel like I wasted all my energy on a man who I don't even like anymore.


He said the reason he told me he doesn't get aroused to the point of erection looking at my body, was to let me know where I stand with him. What the hell is that supposed to mean? WHAT IS IT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I'm sorry but right now all I feel is hatred. And I don't want him in this house or to be anywhere near me.


I appologise for my anger, but there's nowhere else to vent it right now...


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#178860 - 09/07/07 06:35 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: beccy]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Beccy:

Hey. You are doing what you must do for yourself. YOU do have self worth and if you do not look after Beccy, who will? I can sense your anger and maybe some time apart will do you both a world of good. I know from past postings that you have been holding on for the benefit of your children.

I think both people in a relationship must be in it for the right reasons. Having children together is a good motivator to do everything to try to make it work, but I know from the way I grew up that it should not be the only deciding factor. We are all examples to our children and they learn more about life by what they see rather then what we try to teach them about relationships. Getting it right for ourselves or doing our best to make it better matters not only to us but to our children.

I read in a book not long ago that the number one key to raising happy, well adjusted children was to be a happy parent! It makes so much sense and in seeing how miserable my parents were and how that legacy just continues, it makes me want to do everything in my power to rise above the many challenges that has been thrown in our path.

You probably need to find Beccy once again! She's in there, a good person, a happy person just waiting to come out. Maybe you belong with bf, maybe not. The only way to figure it out is to do the work, to grow and to really dig deep.

I wish you the best as always!

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#178953 - 09/07/07 11:38 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: sweet-n-sour]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thankyou S-n-S,


My head and emotions feel all over the place today....

I seem to feel guilty, but am holding onto the fact that I am honouring my OWN feelings. I am not betraying myself,



peace
Beccy


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#178992 - 09/07/07 03:09 PM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: beccy]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Hi Beccy!!!

Hang in there!! I know exactly how you feel. I had to go see my soon to be ex-husband this morning to sign some papers and I just got back.

Does this sound familiar??? He says to me "all of this is so sad" and that he has no control, that I have all of the control over our situation. I told him "you know what Joe, your right - you don't have control and maybe someday you'll find your control". So boo hoo for Joe, the victim in all of this. Poor Joe that wants it all - to be able to drink himself into being an angry animal, and still have his family around him.

Hold on tight Beccy, this is going to be nasty FUCK HIM !!!! I released him to live the life that he so apparently wanted - I told him to embrace his inner alcoholic without me holding him back. Now he thinks this is sad. But he's still not willing to face his issues.

Okay so back to you - they want it all and the rest of us can't have it all so why should they????? So you and I are going to hold tight together that we are not going to take back seat any longer!!!!!

You deserve to be happy!!!!! And it is my greatest wish that you will find your happiness!!!

You still holding on to that new found dignity sister?????

Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#179024 - 09/07/07 05:32 PM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: savemyfam]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Beccy,

Do what's right for you and the kids. Keep as friendly a relationship as you can with your b/f and do what you need to do. He is the father of your children, therefore, you won't get a complete break from him, nor he from you. The kids will keep you in contact whether you want to be or not, but you can control how that contact works. You can make this OK Beccy. Make smart decisions, not emotional ones and things will calm down much faster that you can imagine. I know that's not easy, but for your own sanity, give it your best shot.

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#179030 - 09/07/07 06:17 PM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: Trish4850]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
... beccy ... i don't know what to say to make you feel any better ... i'm glad, though, that you're taking your own self into consideration here ... only you can decide what is right for you ... just like only your bf can decide what is best for him ... your children will be happiest with two happy, fulfilled and honest and open parents ... however it is that comes about ...

... i do wish you well and that this wasn't so difficult for you ...

hugs,
selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#179782 - 09/12/07 05:38 AM Re: trying to make the right decision.... [Re: selene]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Ok, so we're still together and I was nervous about coming back here and sharing that fact.

We have done a lot more talking and understand each-other a little better now. I still feel very anxious about things, but willing to see how it goes from here.


I am still feeling like there's a lot more I will need from him to trust him again. And I am trusting that feeling and looking out for myself.......


He said he didn't feel I accept his sexuality. He didn't feel liked. He was quite angry about it. He said it seemed I wouldn't be happy unless it was meaningless to him, but to him it's just something he gets some enjoyment from. It's a part of him and isn't meaningless. I felt angry that AGAIN why were we talking about his fantasy? I said I can't be a part of it, can I? And everything it's signified has been a total threat in my life. And he always talks about it being so GREAT. And if it's a thing left over from the abuse, that is the very thing which nearly tore my family apart. Put me through hell..........I said I felt like he is asking me to like it, which doesn;t really make any sense to me, since the other day he was talking about HIM hating anything which was remotely related to the abuse still affecting his life. He hates it, but he wants me to like it? It seems he doesn't really connect his fantasies to his abuse........which is a bit confusing.......He accepted how hard it is for me and he said that sexually, I have the bigger part of him. I have the bigger part of him......it is like I need to repeat that over and over......


I said I feel pressured to like it in a way I'm not sure how to. I explained I feel very threatened by it. I can't share it, or be a part of it in any way. I have had to go through listening to how much he maybe wanted to go and do it. It makes me feel completely inadequate as a lover. He did listen and explained he's been very wrapped up in his own stuff and that he's not asking me to accept the way he's been with me........


The things I am worried about:


Intimacy
How many things he still has to process(repressed anger from things between us and anything else)
My fragility/neediness at this point




So....do you think I'm crazy? I am thankful I have a session with my T tonight.



peace
Beccy


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