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#178244 - 09/04/07 04:59 PM and advise please
fabdabcab Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
hi my name is wayne aged 32, i was around the age of 8 when i was abused my another male. this secret has stayed with me until now, i now feel i need to get rid of these deamons, i have so many questions but not enough awnsers, it has now got to the stage where it is effecting my relationship with my wife, to the point where i cant cope with affection. i want to tell her but im affraid that she or anyone for that matter will look at me as some kind of nut, if any one can help please do many thanks


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#178245 - 09/04/07 05:04 PM Re: and advise please [Re: fabdabcab]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11116
Loc: Denver, CO
Hi Wayne.

Glad you found us here. You will find there are many men on here who can relate to what you are going through. You are definitely not a nut. Feel free to ask questions. Talk about it here as much as you need to.

Andy



Edited by FormerTexan (09/04/07 05:07 PM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#178249 - 09/04/07 05:45 PM Re: and advise please [Re: FormerTexan]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
The FIRST time a survivor discloses is ALWAYS the hardest. You may cry, you may have a hard time even uttering the words, but it CAN be done.

None of us here (that I know of) have regretted disclosing what happened to us. And I suspect that your wife will appreciate the strength that it's obviously going to take to talk to her about this.

The FIRST time I disclosed, it was at a time just after my girlfriend made some comments about how we were distant and not emotionally intimate like "normal" people are in relationship. I used that circumstance to explain my past and how it was probably affecting us as a couple.

IT WAS HARD to even start, but I did it.

Some survivors that come to this site, while struggling with deciding to disclose their abuse, find that writing a letter and handing it their partners/parents/whoever to be easier.

I hope you do it. Let us know how it goes if you do ok?


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#178250 - 09/04/07 05:49 PM Re: and advise please [Re: Hauser]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome, Wayne. I'm glad you found MS - it's an incredible place of support and understanding.

I would recommend if at all possible that you have a therapist or counselor before you disclose to your wife. It can bubble many things to the surface - it would be advantageous to have a support mechanism ready should the need arise. At least have the name and location of someone, even if you haven't officially been seen by them before you disclose.

Keep in mind, that's just my opinion - and it may not be what you need.

M


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#178286 - 09/04/07 08:49 PM Re: and advise please [Re: MarkK]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hi Wayne,

Welcome! You've now started talking. That is a huge step in breaking the power the abuse and the abuser has had. Keep talking as you feel able. There will be times when you wondered why you ever started talking in the first place, but time will pass and one day it will dawn on you that you've actually been feeling good about yourself and where you're at in your life.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#178405 - 09/05/07 03:34 PM Re: and advise please [Re: WalkingSouth]
fabdabcab Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
here are some thoughts that have been going through my head today! i was 8 when i was abused by another male, he would ask me into to his house to have a look at his model planes, thats when the abuse took place,what i want to know is why did he choose me? did i give out signals to make this happen? was it my fault? i could have told someone but didnt, why? i look back on it i cant remeber things that clearly but keep getting flashbacks and remebering diffrent things, does this mean im imagining things? could i have been a diffrent person, if it had,nt of happend, i got bullied at school becuase i was quiet and not very outgoing is that why he done this to me? thanks for your time i feel that typing my feelings is easier than talking about them, i need to find the courage to tell my wife but just cant yet.


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#178418 - 09/05/07 04:28 PM Re: and advise please [Re: fabdabcab]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Wayne,

Another word of welcome to the site. You can talk about anything you want here and you will be totally safe, respected and supported. You are already getting into a lot of highly emotional issues and that's good. It's always good to talk about these things.

For the moment I'd just like to leave you with the assurance that NONE of the abuse was your fault. You did not "attract" him, it wasn't your fault for going to his house, and it's nothing to be blamed for that you didn't tell - hardly any boy does.

You don't need to rush into telling your wife. If that's your goal, talk first about the various things that are bothering you. That will allow you to deal with disclosure to her in a way that makes it the least painful and confusing experience for both of you.

Do also have a look at an important article that's available here on the site:

This will give you a lot of good ideas.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#178420 - 09/05/07 04:29 PM Re: and advise please [Re: fabdabcab]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sorry - double post.



Edited by roadrunner (09/07/07 07:25 PM)
_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#178453 - 09/05/07 07:37 PM Re: and advise please [Re: roadrunner]
emptydreamer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
Hi Wayne,

Just wanted to welcome you here too!!

Everyone else has already given you much good advise or input, all I can add is that you really have found a great place here. While it is to bad that anyone would need to be here, you can be comfortable in knowing that if it is needed, this is one awesome place to be.

Best wishes and warmest regards,
Scott

_________________________
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

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#178648 - 09/06/07 12:52 PM Re: and advise please [Re: emptydreamer]
fabdabcab Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
thanks for your help and avise guys, i could see how upset my wife was last night over how distant i have been over recent months, so i wrote a letter and gave it to her, although i still cant go into detail with her, i felt relief that she now knows what is wrong. today i feel anger towards everything, myself, the abuser and my parents. i couldnt sleep at all last night for the fear of mor flashbacks is this normal?


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