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#178368 - 09/05/07 11:38 AM It just feels like things are not working out.....
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi again,


my bf has just told me a load more stuff which has yet again provoked feelings of unattractiveness/undesirability. I feel like I am worth nothing to him sexually/visually. I feel like he basically told me he loves me and is committed to me, but doesn't fancy me all that much and isn't entirely sure why.

I am so tired of trying to figure things out all the time and am feeling absolutely hopeless about the whole thing. My confidence is at an all time low and this just wasn't what I needed to hear right now. I feel fairly sure I deserve more than this.


It just seems like we're not that attracted to eachother anymore. Like as if now we're finally attempting the intimacy that we should have learned at the start of our relationship, it's just not working between us.....


I just feel like I keep getting traumatised over and over.....
At what point do my needs become considered?


To say he is committed to me, but not actually all that sure of his desire for me sounds like a prison sentence....

I feel very low. Exhausted.

And I just can't see how i can keep any dignity within this situation. I never had enough dignity before, but I don't want to feel shit anymore. I'm fed up with it.


I don't feel we understand eachother. I certainly don't feel understood.

It seems difficult when you've been together for so many years, how can you tell what is normal or not?



Well, just sharing my feelings with you all,
The future seems scary,

peace
Beccy


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#178373 - 09/05/07 01:32 PM Re: It just feels like things are not working out..... [Re: beccy]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
I don't know what to say, but I feel your pain and understand where you are at. And the future can look scary.

(((((Beccy))))

Lorie


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#178375 - 09/05/07 01:43 PM Re: It just feels like things are not working out..... [Re: healingpartner]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Beccy -

My heart goes out to you as I can feel the pain in your post. Remember - you can only be responsible for how you feel. You have a right to feel attractive and desired (good lord am I the pot calling the kettle black or what? But it is often the thought that counts.) We all deserve a life with dignity - for ourselves and for others.

If you don't feel that from him - tell him. And then make a decision on how you are going to move forward. Either you mourn things now and move on, or you give it more time always making your feelings known.

And you are so right...the future is sooo scary.



Edited by kellygtx (09/05/07 01:44 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#178381 - 09/05/07 02:03 PM Re: It just feels like things are not working out..... [Re: kellygtx]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Beccy -

Here is some good advice to another member from someone who seems to be so understanding and kind - YOU.

"There is nothing wrong with you.
You sound like a good person who is trying to figure things out. That takes a lot of hard work and is exhausting, so please remember to kind to yourself,"

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#178392 - 09/05/07 02:45 PM Re: It just feels like things are not working out..... [Re: kellygtx]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Hi Beccy!

I understand what it feels like to give your partner everything that you have and it still not be good enough - it sucks huge!!!

No you do not deserve this - you deserve so much more. You should not feel rejected on one hand while being told that he loves you and is committed to you on the other. His confusion is sucking the life out of you.

You have to stop letting all of this dictate your self worth - easy to say, I know but I think you need to take some steps for your own good. Can you get into a support group? Are you able to go for counseling?

I go to a Christian 12 step program (not as regular as I should unfortunately!!) called Celebrate Recovery. It's through my church and it is the most loving and nurturing atmosphere. It is designed to focus on YOU and the root of your problems. It is also designed for you to RECOVER from your issues. I know that you are in the UK, but here is the link to Celebrate Recovery in the UK in case you would like to check it out:

http://www.celebraterecovery-ne.com/contacts-uk.html

You had said that you had your own issues that you bring to your relationship with your bf, I think you need to concentrate on your issues and distance yourself from him and his issues for a while.

I found out through CR that I am codependant, which blew my mind because I'm tough as nails and I thought that meant that you "needed to have somebody" - which I don't. I found out that it means that I got so wrapped up in my husband and all of his issues that I no longer knew where he stopped and I began. So in other words I lost myself along the way, and it's true.

You had said to me that you came from a broken home and would not do that to your children, I so entirely understand that Beccy, but in your post above you said it yourself that this seems like a prison sentence. You have only 1 shot at this life (that's in my opinion that we only have 1 life!), are you willing to sacrifice your life and continue living this way. I became afraid that I would wake up one day and be 80 years old and realize that I threw my life away for him, having not lived my life the way it was meant to be lived. Your not happy and that has to reflect to your children - it did to mine.

I'm not encouraging you to leave him, but apparently something drastic has to be done. Can you go to couples counseling??

I know that your afraid, that's natural but I can tell you that YOU can do whatever needs to be done. You have the strength to do what you need to do - you just need to find it.

PM me if you would like.

Take care of yourself Beccy!!
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#178422 - 09/05/07 04:32 PM Re: It just feels like things are not working out..... [Re: savemyfam]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thankyou so much for all your supportive replies....over and over again I am SO thankful for this place. To be able to come here and talk about things which are so complicated.


In answer to your question Angie, I do have a good T now. Been to her about 7 times now. She is trained in psychosyntheseis therapy, which deals with past/present, mind/body, puropse/meaning. It has been the BIGGEST relief to offload with her. I have also been seeing a Homeopath for about 2 1/2 years now(she's also a trained psychotherapist). Piecing myself back together after all the years of confusion has been a long road which seems to stretch on way out of view....Having said that, therapy in itself has been interesting and challenging and also quite scary!


Tonight my T did some deep meditation with me, which was mostly like a state of light hypnosis I suppose. It was lovely and brought me a few minutes of genuine peace.


My T said i need to be able to make a choice from a place of feeling centred and clear about things. I am not feeling centred at the moment. I am all over the place. This all has been a massive trauma to me.....


What you said about co-dependance was interesting too Angie. I read about that a while back and identified with it. What really struck a chord with me was the way you said you lost yourself...."I got so wrapped up in my husband and all of his issues that I no longer knew where he stopped and I began." I do relate to that. I think that's what I've stepped out of these past few weeks and it's all a bit scary.


The thing is, my co-dependancy would follow me on to my next relationship, so that's no reason to leave him. I need to deal with that issue anyway and be free of it within myself. But I can see that co-dependancy is one of the reasons it's taken me so long to get to this point. Very interesting. Tonight my T asked me why I thought it had taken so long for me to be angry and raging about this.....I didn't know, but i can see now that co-dependancy must be involved. I have been so busy trying to understand how everything must be for him, and waiting.....


Today feels like the scary day I found my dignity.


Where will that take me? I have no idea, but I'm not going to make any hasty decisions while i feel so shaken. I need to feel more stable first, somehow....



peace
Beccy


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#178440 - 09/05/07 06:06 PM Re: It just feels like things are not working out..... [Re: beccy]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Hi Beccy,

It sounds like your doing all the things that you need to be doing!!

And Amen to dealling with the co-dependancy issue or it would follow you into the next relationship, that is what I'm working on as well because I never want to be "back seat" again (although the thought of the next relationship for me brings up part of my lunch!!!)

I'm glad that today is the scary day that you found your dignity!!! That is HUGE!! I don't think it will be so scary from this point forward!!

As far as the rage and anger taking so long to surface, I think it's a gradual thing. We start out as being loving and nurturing and then his issues start showing up and by this point we are into full "he may be screwed up, but he's mine" mode and of course we want to help them. It took a long time for me to get fed up with my marriage having become so one-sided, and when I put my foot down, he couldn't handle it - still can't. Then throw the kids into the mixture and your really determined to make it work.

So from a stranger from across the pond, I think your on the right path Beccy even if you don't feel like it right now!!

Hold tight on to that new found dignity Girl!!!!

Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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