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#178244 - 09/04/07 04:59 PM and advise please
fabdabcab Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
hi my name is wayne aged 32, i was around the age of 8 when i was abused my another male. this secret has stayed with me until now, i now feel i need to get rid of these deamons, i have so many questions but not enough awnsers, it has now got to the stage where it is effecting my relationship with my wife, to the point where i cant cope with affection. i want to tell her but im affraid that she or anyone for that matter will look at me as some kind of nut, if any one can help please do many thanks


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#178245 - 09/04/07 05:04 PM Re: and advise please [Re: fabdabcab]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11027
Loc: Denver, CO
Hi Wayne.

Glad you found us here. You will find there are many men on here who can relate to what you are going through. You are definitely not a nut. Feel free to ask questions. Talk about it here as much as you need to.

Andy



Edited by FormerTexan (09/04/07 05:07 PM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#178249 - 09/04/07 05:45 PM Re: and advise please [Re: FormerTexan]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
The FIRST time a survivor discloses is ALWAYS the hardest. You may cry, you may have a hard time even uttering the words, but it CAN be done.

None of us here (that I know of) have regretted disclosing what happened to us. And I suspect that your wife will appreciate the strength that it's obviously going to take to talk to her about this.

The FIRST time I disclosed, it was at a time just after my girlfriend made some comments about how we were distant and not emotionally intimate like "normal" people are in relationship. I used that circumstance to explain my past and how it was probably affecting us as a couple.

IT WAS HARD to even start, but I did it.

Some survivors that come to this site, while struggling with deciding to disclose their abuse, find that writing a letter and handing it their partners/parents/whoever to be easier.

I hope you do it. Let us know how it goes if you do ok?


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#178250 - 09/04/07 05:49 PM Re: and advise please [Re: Hauser]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome, Wayne. I'm glad you found MS - it's an incredible place of support and understanding.

I would recommend if at all possible that you have a therapist or counselor before you disclose to your wife. It can bubble many things to the surface - it would be advantageous to have a support mechanism ready should the need arise. At least have the name and location of someone, even if you haven't officially been seen by them before you disclose.

Keep in mind, that's just my opinion - and it may not be what you need.

M


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#178286 - 09/04/07 08:49 PM Re: and advise please [Re: MarkK]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Hi Wayne,

Welcome! You've now started talking. That is a huge step in breaking the power the abuse and the abuser has had. Keep talking as you feel able. There will be times when you wondered why you ever started talking in the first place, but time will pass and one day it will dawn on you that you've actually been feeling good about yourself and where you're at in your life.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#178405 - 09/05/07 03:34 PM Re: and advise please [Re: WalkingSouth]
fabdabcab Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
here are some thoughts that have been going through my head today! i was 8 when i was abused by another male, he would ask me into to his house to have a look at his model planes, thats when the abuse took place,what i want to know is why did he choose me? did i give out signals to make this happen? was it my fault? i could have told someone but didnt, why? i look back on it i cant remeber things that clearly but keep getting flashbacks and remebering diffrent things, does this mean im imagining things? could i have been a diffrent person, if it had,nt of happend, i got bullied at school becuase i was quiet and not very outgoing is that why he done this to me? thanks for your time i feel that typing my feelings is easier than talking about them, i need to find the courage to tell my wife but just cant yet.


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#178418 - 09/05/07 04:28 PM Re: and advise please [Re: fabdabcab]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Wayne,

Another word of welcome to the site. You can talk about anything you want here and you will be totally safe, respected and supported. You are already getting into a lot of highly emotional issues and that's good. It's always good to talk about these things.

For the moment I'd just like to leave you with the assurance that NONE of the abuse was your fault. You did not "attract" him, it wasn't your fault for going to his house, and it's nothing to be blamed for that you didn't tell - hardly any boy does.

You don't need to rush into telling your wife. If that's your goal, talk first about the various things that are bothering you. That will allow you to deal with disclosure to her in a way that makes it the least painful and confusing experience for both of you.

Do also have a look at an important article that's available here on the site:

This will give you a lot of good ideas.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#178420 - 09/05/07 04:29 PM Re: and advise please [Re: fabdabcab]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sorry - double post.



Edited by roadrunner (09/07/07 07:25 PM)
_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#178453 - 09/05/07 07:37 PM Re: and advise please [Re: roadrunner]
emptydreamer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
Hi Wayne,

Just wanted to welcome you here too!!

Everyone else has already given you much good advise or input, all I can add is that you really have found a great place here. While it is to bad that anyone would need to be here, you can be comfortable in knowing that if it is needed, this is one awesome place to be.

Best wishes and warmest regards,
Scott

_________________________
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

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#178648 - 09/06/07 12:52 PM Re: and advise please [Re: emptydreamer]
fabdabcab Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
thanks for your help and avise guys, i could see how upset my wife was last night over how distant i have been over recent months, so i wrote a letter and gave it to her, although i still cant go into detail with her, i felt relief that she now knows what is wrong. today i feel anger towards everything, myself, the abuser and my parents. i couldnt sleep at all last night for the fear of mor flashbacks is this normal?


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#178653 - 09/06/07 01:37 PM Re: and advise please [Re: fabdabcab]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Wayne,
You will come to understand that this is a long process for many of us. But, the fact that you have found the courage to begin to come to grips with the abuse is such an empowering first step...you've already done more that some of us have been able to accomplish...really.

So, try to be calm and listen to those feelings. Yes, there will be very difficult times of non-sleep, fear, as well as anger at yourself and your perp. This is all to be expected. You are doing the right thing, and I applaud your bravery.

Keep coming here...we'll be with you.

Much love,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#178749 - 09/06/07 06:24 PM Re: and advise please [Re: fabdabcab]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Welcome, fabdacab.

I'm glad that you came here. The other guys who responded to you are absolutely right. This is a wonderful site and helped to save my life.

My story is a long and involved one as probably most of ours are. However, I can say that I basically was forced to tell my wife because I fell into deep depression and all I wanted to do was sleep after I got home from work. She angrily confronted me about it after I was doing this for a while. I took her out for a van ride to get away from our daughters and told her. I cried so hard that I lost touch with reality and tried to jump out in front of an on-going vehicle. My wife grabbed me and gave me a lot of support. She encouraged me to seek help and told me that she would help in the process.

It's been an uphill battle ever since. However, there was relief for both us because it put us on the same page finally. Our marriage definitely improved.

I don't want you to ever have to get to that point. You did that right thing to disclose to her. I hope that you both make the time to discuss it with each other. You might even want to show her some of these threads so that she can better understand what is involved with what has happened to you. That way, you both can hopefully work together to formulate a plan for your future well-being.

I wish you the best in your journey. I will pray for you.

God bless,
John, The Music Man


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#179016 - 09/07/07 04:31 PM Re: and advise please [Re: MusicMan]
fabdabcab Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
thankyou for all you replys. today i just feel angry toward everything, although i tolld my wife what happend, i still feel it is to soon to speek openly about it, she is trying to give me space, but even her hugs are making me feel like she is invading my space, i just feel like the past 25 or so years have been a lie. if this hvent of happend to me what would i be like today as a person? i feel like i have been cheeted out of so much. i feel like i have cheeted my wife out of true happiness for the last 11 years, i havent been able to sleep properly because i keep getting flashbacks, this has never happend before so why now? am i just imagining things? sorry to go on at the moment i find it easier to write my thoughts. thankyou for listning.


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#179068 - 09/07/07 08:36 PM Re: and advise please [Re: fabdabcab]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Wayne,

Pour it out as much as you need to, bro. That's what the discussion board is here for and you will find we all support and understand you.

I understand how you feel about being cheated out of so much; and you are right. Just bear in mind that the one who has cheated both you and your wife is the abuser. The lost years are not your fault. We do things when we can, and at the moment we do then, that was the very first moment this was possible for us. We could not have done it one second earlier.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#179082 - 09/07/07 09:43 PM Re: and advise please [Re: roadrunner]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Wayne, welcome. I am so glad you found this site. As others have said already, it is an amazing place where there is no judgement. But the amazing thing is that you are not alone anymore. Here is a place that brings men together who knows how it feels when you disclose. Know how it feels to feel invaded. Know how it feels to be so angry. We all have had different pasts and circumstances that brought us here, but the feelings and questions are suprisingly similar.

The one answer, which you will hear a lot because it is true, is "It was not your fault". That is something that takes time to sink in and for you to believe, but it is true.

Take your time and know that this is a safe place to say whatever is on your mind.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#179419 - 09/10/07 10:56 AM Re: and advise please [Re: dannym]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Wayne,

Just saw your posts tonight and my heart goes out to you. You have done a very brave and trusting thing to tell your wife, especially when it sounds like you’ve just come to realise how much the abuse has impacted your life.

These are no doubt upsetting times but I imagine also times of great relief in that as you can see by the replies you’ve been getting here at MS you are not alone.

I think you will find it easier to let stuff out here with the anonymity that the site provides plus you have other males who understand. I can certainly relate to most of what you have shared already and as I know many of the guys who’ve responded, they can too.

I can certainly, and sadly confess, that I have also had too many years of being a distant and emotionally cold husband. I wish I could take them all back and even change instantly today who I am and how I act. Being aware however is a big step in the right direction. I’m getting better. So will you.

Share what you can Wayne and let us support you through these very difficult early days. I’m also grateful you have a wife there for you who I’m sure is trying her best to support you even if she doesn’t understand it all at the moment.

Welcome friend.


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