kelly,

wow! i could have written this almost verbatim. I acted out with men for the first 16-17 years of my marriage. i recently disclosed this to my wife. i only did because i didn't understand before why i was doing it. i see now that i was doing what i was taught to do by my dad...seek approval and my worth by having sex with men...

i have learned recently in therapy, that for me, it isn't just about sex and self worth, it is about a lack of intimacy, at a basic level. i have no clue what intimacy is, true intimacy. as a result of all the abandonment and sexual abuse i went through i have only been acting on a surficial level.

i feel even more alienated from 'normal' than i did before...i am working with my T on this and have hope that i can learn how to give and receive intimacy.

i too shave my pubes...i think there are two reasons i do it...my dad (perp) was very hairy and i hate the sight of body hair, and similar to you, i think i am trying to connect to a time when i was younger.

i understand what you are going through.

Buzz -

I wish it was not so...for the both of us. How are things with your wife? I disclosed about 6 months ago and went into a 6 week inpatient therapy and then she went with me on a one week intensive outpatient. We are getting along really good - but I am not sure yet were we are headed. We just want each other to be happy - however painful that may be. I love her - just so confused.

well...my wife was the very first person i ever told about the abuse...i was 23, then we got married...but i just started dealing with the abuse in may of this year.

funny you should ask how thngs are...she had a blow up last night...tired of me being the center of everything...my abuse, my needs, my moods...but then says she wants, needs, me to continue in therapy...overall though, we are communicating better than we ever have in 23 years of marriage.

dude...i so relate to confused...i spend 90% of my time in that state.

i would like to keep in touch on this since it seems our circumstances are so similar...if that is agreeable to you...if not, i understand.

Buzz -

That would be great - I could use someone to connect with on a regular basis. We had a good night last night - actually had sex- and that left me feeling totally inadequate and unfulfilled.

Confused - it's my middle name.

You new friend -

kin of jumped in here late I still dont know whether im bi or not.

Guys,

Our mod Dewey2K has a great phrase that applies here - labels are for cans. I remember the first time he used that in connection with this straight/bi/gay issue, and it made me think a lot. What I came up with is basically this.

Gay and straight aren't opposites; they are two ends of the same string with a lot of other possibilities in between and all around. Although people still ask about this as if it's got to be one or the other, research has shown over and over again that very few people are absolutely one or the other.

Instead of that question I would ask these three:

1. Am I being totally honest with myself about my sexual feelings?
2. Am In being responsible and honest with my sexual partner(s)?
3. Do I feel sexually fulfilled?

If you can answer yes to all three questions then so far as I can see you should be just fine. You don't owe society an explanation or justification for what you feel and how you relate to others sexually, and choosing one label or another is more or less what that's all about.

Much love,
Larry

My thoughts if you don't mind. I think it is too early to define yourself as gay, bi, or what ever. I think it best to keep working with the therapist and certainly get your wife involved in the process when appropriate. Let your work with the therapist help you decide who/what you are. I just think being molested does such a number on us we need lots of help to sort out who we are and what we are about.

Your in a discovery process so be patient and when the time comes, you will know what is right for you and your wife.

Take care,

B

For posterity I have always wanted to add this -- experimenting with other men does not make you gay or bisexual, no matter what anyone says. feeling like it stigmatizes you to do so is really destructive because, for me at least, how do you know if you like something til you try it? I am straight. I have had sex with men in the past because I was curious and I wanted to see what it was like. I was very surprised by how different it was to having sex with women and equally surprised by how little it turned me on. I am not in denial about this - I am speaking honestly about my experience and I really resent the particular mindset which says that bisexual experiences are a sign that you are gay and in denial. Look, fantasies, crushes, attractions to people of both sexes are normal (for me at least) but you might be surprised by how different it feels in real life. For better or for worse. Just remember -- no matter how you swing, as long as you are respectful of others, there is NOTHING wrong with it. I know its tough when you are in a marriage, but actually experimenting might be the most useful thing you could do before feeling like you have to make up your mind or figure it all out, etc.

Otherwise Larry's questions are great. Good luck, TW

Hate connecting with both sexes, hate being turned on by both sexes, hate wanting both sexes. Sure would be alot easier if I could just pick one. One guy on a BDSM site said "although labels are not necessary, they can go a long way when someone doesn't know what they're looking for". If I want carrots but don't ever know what's in the can because there is no label how am I ever going to find those carrots. How do I go on a dating site looking for someone when I'm not sure what section I should post in.

Just hard to find what I'm looking for when it's not defined.

Stay strong
Mike

I have always felt I was bisexual, most of my identity is surrounded by that fact. It took me years to come out and be comfortable with it, accept in...and my wife of many years has finally accepted it too. We are monogamous. We have a major intimate and sexually fulfilled sex life too.

My MO with men has always been about the sex...the dick...and not relationships. I have never really wanted to have a relationship with a man. Never wanted the lifestyle.

NOW, I am questioning whether I am really bisexual at all. If I could eliminate the desire for the male appendage, I really think my life would be so much calmer. I think I have objectified the dick so much for so long, because of the abuse I recieved, I can't let go of it...figuratively speaking.

Are there any other "straight" men out there that know in their heart they are straight but have a "fetish" for penis? Does that make sense?

any comments would be appreciated...jake

I am diffenently confused and wish I could come to some terms with it.