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#178234 - 09/04/07 03:30 PM I am Bisexual...I Think (May Be Triggering)
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
I think (after much thought, anguish, and consternation) that I am bisexual...I think. Just writing and posting this gives me great anxiety. There I said it...I am bisexual...I think. I mean what if someone finds out? Can I live with someone knowing I am bisexual? And being bisexual means you don't belong to either the "Gay" community or the "Straight" community...I think.

I am attracted to both men and women...at least sexually...I think. Emotionally I am attracted to women. I myself am neither masucline or feminine. I am somewhere in limbo. I have always had better non-sexual relations with women.

Sexually I am very submissive to both men and women. I would rather please them then to be pleased myself. I don't like seeing my own body. I hate not having a shirt on. I have never penetrated a male (and have no desire to do so) and when I penetrate a female I feel totally inadequate. In some ways I am very feminine. In some ways I am masculine - but not "very". My wife and I have sex maybe once every ten days. I always initiate - but I think thats because she never does. I know how screwed up the CSA has made my sexuality - for example I hate my own pubic hair and have shaved it off - I believe in an attempt to be "child-like" again...I think. I am not sure what healthy sexuality is...Bisexual, Gay, or Straight...I think.

On previous posts I have said I was straight (I am married) but I really think that I am bisexual...I think. Does that change anything? No, just means that I have a sexual response to men...I think. I am still in a monogomous, committed, heterosexual relationship.

It would be so much easier if I could scream "I am Gay" or "I am Straight"...I think.




Edited by kellygtx (09/04/07 05:02 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#178248 - 09/04/07 05:09 PM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: kellygtx]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Kelly,

You are okay, you're not alone! There are many of us that feek very similar to how you are feeling right now. You feel like you are going crazy, but really you're not.

I have been n this conflict for years and have had a really hard time being honest with myself. They are those here that too have been where you are at, they are wonderful help.

Good luck friend!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#178298 - 09/04/07 10:16 PM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: TNuss]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Kelly,
I'm with you, too...in a 25 year marriage, but struggling. You're okay...you know that...you love your wife. Can you talk to her about it? Did she ask you why you shaved your pubes? PM me any time and I'll talk to you about how it's going for me...I think you know from your post on my thread...but I'm here if you wanna talk.

Much love,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#178353 - 09/05/07 09:44 AM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: trusty]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Trusty -

I really can not talk about this with her - she becomes very defensive and scared - and I can understand that. When I did shave she was pretty ambivilent about it - said it was ok. I don't do that anymore. Do you and your wife discuss this very delicate subject?

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

Top
#178355 - 09/05/07 09:50 AM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: kellygtx]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
are you sure you are bi and not gay?


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#178357 - 09/05/07 09:55 AM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: Jarrad]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Jarrad -

I don't think I am gay. I have no emotional connection to guys and I feel I can only have emotional intimacy with a woman. I love my wife and can't imagine feeling like I do about her with a man. And it's not that I am afraid of being gay...I just don't think I am. Emotionally I am straight...and sexually I am just very confused. A therapist told me I am straight with a repetition compulsion. I can accept that and it does make sense - because I did not have an orgasm with men and just felt like I was on a drug - just very strange.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

Top
#178516 - 09/05/07 10:49 PM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: kellygtx]
Frog Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona
Kelly...

I'm at the same crossroads as you...someone here has got to
help w/ some answers or even questions we can ask ourselves

_________________________
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

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#178522 - 09/05/07 11:02 PM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: Frog]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i was just asking because if you dont feel adequate with a woman, and dont feel like you would want to penetrate a man.. there are other roles you can take sexually... which basically would be the bottom in a gay relationship. it was just a question.

and i know you love your wife. that is not a question at all. \:\)


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#178530 - 09/05/07 11:33 PM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: Frog]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
Kelly,Frog

I'm just trying to figure things out as well so please excuse me if I sound a bit dumb. But are you sure that you are not just acting out? If that is the case guy or bi would not apply. Confused would but not about sexual preference but why you are doing it. Which is where I'm at. But a while ago I was fighting the Bi-straight battle once I found out and understood acting out I could clearly see that I am straight but acting out was why I was confused.

Brokensoul.


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#178594 - 09/06/07 09:39 AM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: brokensoul]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Brokensoul -

I intended this post to be somewhat sarcastic and searching...hence the I Think all the time. I was definitly acting out...in fact a therapist told me I have a repetion compulsion or a contra phobia. Actually - I don't really have any desire to act out now - or to cut myself - which causes me as much shame and guilt. But I do wrestle with "did I like it" and if so what does that mean?

Jarrad - I understand what you were trying to point out and I appreciate your input.

Frog - I hear ya man!

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

Top
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