Hey ohiomike-
Welcome to MS
We share a lot-you and I-
Abuse, sexual identity confusion, compulsion,'and alcoholism/sobriety.

I'm active In SAA-that has helped give me clarity, honesty,integrity accountability, understanding and support. It has also given me a chance to discover healthy sexuality free from the confines of the past.

It's good to meet you, brother-best wishes for an actively healthy and wonderful 2011.

Treadmill guy - I think my fiance is a few steps ahead of you. I recently found out that he has been down the road to being submissive and giving men oral that he met on craigslist. And from that discovery, he disclosed his CSA and also uses that not as an excuse, but as an explanation as to why he does what he does. He assures me he isn't gay. He loves women - but this part of him wants penis in his mouth and I assume he's trying to recreate the abuse in a controlled manner...like somone said above. So...since I found out - and since you can't unspill the milk...we've been trying to incorporate it into our bedroom time and my dildo has been REALLY fun for both of us...and my new black leather wardrobe is a lot of fun too. Maybe your wife might be open to that? Hell, I'd even be open to bringing someone else into our bedroom if it meant he wouldn't have to lie to me ever again...that's the part that hurt the most - the cheating aspect. But again, the circumstances are such that I was very understanding. Anyway, you're not alone...your wife loves you...open up to her and maybe see if there is something you can do together to satisfy your urges...although I'm no expert. I just hope I'm giving my man an outlet and that he doesn't feel like he has to be sneaky...
And a bonus for me is that our sex has never been better!

I too have been going through the same pain. I have had fantasies about having sex with men for a long time. I have trouble in my relationships with women. I could never understand what was happening. I wanted to have a family and have children of my own. I will have to read the books you mentioned and hope they help. It is so great to be able to discuss these things in this group.

oMike - Your comment is powerful. I too thought that because thinking and talking about my past was emotionless, it was no longer an issue. Clearly, that was not the case for many of us.

Be well.
-mike

I really like what you said. I have been trying to say it for years but have been unable to find the words to express it. You hit it right on the nose.

Treadmill Guy,

I agree with Lazarus to be very careful and make sure you stay faithful to your wife. Having sex with another man would be selfish as you would be hurting your wife and the other man, because you would just be using him to fulfill your fantasy. If your fantasy is only about performing oral sex on another guy it is probably related to the abuse where you are getting used again. It is important not to traumatize the little boy inside of you again. You may be more in control this time as an adult but it is the little boy who will be reliving a traumatic event. This new trauma might be too much for you to handle since it is now something you have initiated. Your attraction to a penis might be more of what it represents to you such as power, love, etc. that you think you will obtain if you suck on it.

This has been a recurrent theme in my life- and I think it is an attempt to connect to someone that can comfort and protect me, as well as demonstrate all the external qualities and traits I lack in my own self- but because I was abused I sexualize it-
Have no idea what it would be like to have a guy friend as just that- it would help so much, but I'm ashamed tom admit that I have none

I do same- it all relates to abuse, the need to absorb the Masculinity of a man- as I never felt I had any-
I'm turned on by men, but when I think beyond the physical, it kinda goes nowhere.
I'm married with kids, my wife has strong suspicions, so I'm reliving my youth with mothers shame and guilt- seeking the one man who will protevt me and take care of me- well that person is me, but I needed and enacted my father

I am reading as much as I can about the many variations in the area of survivor symptoms and issues and I want to be sure I am understanding SSA issues correctly. It seems complex.

Am I correct to understand that there are distinct differences and many variations in male bonding, homosexuality, and same-sex attraction?

My perp (father) and one of my brothers (an angry and violent adult who was a childhood victim of my father) betrayed the entire family and all the descendants in devotion to a man my father took into his home (a financial predator). What kind of attraction to another man would it take for a man to physically assault his own relatives, including an 18-month old infant, just because the man told him to? Everyone...EVERYONE..is wondering if they are homosexual, but I doubt there is sex involved. My sociopath father has always viewed women, children, and pets as tools for his own pleasure. The brother I mentioned has a history of girlfriends who ended the relationship in fear of him, even going into hiding after he stalked them afterward.

What category would this behavior fall into? Where would it fall on the SSA scale?

Yes there are many variations of male bonding and SSA, only one of which is actually homosexuality. For me, I was reenacting my abuse over and over, putting myself in a submissive position with an older man. Once I recognized that, processed it with my therapist, and resolved it internally (which took months of recovery work...) my SSA issues have pretty much disappeared.

The best resource I know of on this subject is the work of therapist Joe Kort. You can check out his web page at http://straightguise.com/default.asp?id=1288 He categorizes the different reasons that straight men have sex with men, gives therapeutic reasons for them and suggestions for finding help.