Newest Members
mossTI, E35, 1975, Lucy, StacyR
12337 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
No Birthdays
Who's Online
0 registered (), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12337 Members
74 Forums
63422 Topics
443383 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 3 of 7 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 >
Topic Options
#182465 - 09/26/07 11:43 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to them? [Re: treadmill_guy]
jakemed Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 37
I would like to chime in one more time.

I have been married a very long time. I kept my SSA hidden for most of it. There was a time 25 odd years ago that I acted out but have been monogamous ever since. I still have male fantizes, I still look. What has helped me to find a balance is allowing my wife in on my secret...which is no longer a secret.

I talk about my male fantizes with her and have actually added some sexual practices into our sex life. We have even watched gay porn together. (at first, that was very hard to do)I do have some outlets, on line that is but maintain monogamy. It is so common place for us now, just part of our lives.

Now, has it been hard?...absolutely. But my resolve has never wavered. I finally know what I want in my life and I have choose to commit to it. Everyone is different but this has worked for us.

So whether I am bisexual or wanting to reinact that "dick" experience is kind of a mute point. Once you realize what you really want in your life...the road is plain, hard sometimes but plain...for me anyway...jake


Top
#182548 - 09/26/07 06:47 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: treadmill_guy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Guys,

I'm coming to this one late, I see. But I'd just like to stress that there's a huge difference between sexual behavior that expresses our sexuality, and sexual behavior that represents acting out.

If I am with someone sexually and find myself just lost in their presence in every way - sexual, physical and emotional - then probably I am experiencing sexual fulfillment and this is part of who I am sexually. I will feel not just the sexual excitement, but peace and contentment with who I am and with my connection to this other person.

But if I am just "getting some" and feel conflict as I do so, then something is amiss. I might be acting out. If it's just a matter of a physical act and all I am in it for is the orgasm, well, that's not very fulfilling I think. and if what I'm doing makes me feel good at the moment, but then bad later on when I think about it, and if it's something I am doing over and over again, then it's more likely I am acting out.

Treadmill_Guy you seem to be talking about acting out - or thinking about acting out - when you say this:

Originally Posted By: treadmill_guy
I don't find men physically attractive. Women always draw my attention. But there is something about a man's penis that draws my interest and fantasies.


Part of the reason a survivor may feel this way has to do with control, as someone else has already said. As a boy you learned from abuse that you were helpless and powerless; the abuse involved loss of control. So in these fantasies you are creating scenarios were your control is restored.

You might ask why you would create a scenario in which you are still performing sexual acts reminiscent of the abuse. Again the answer lies in your youth. Abuse can leave a boy with no boundaries and feeling he is good only for what the abuser wants. Do you remember feeling like an empty shell with no "me" inside anymore?

Unless these feelings get resolved in therapy they can just continue in a guy. This is a big reason why so many "rent boys" prove to be victims of abuse earlier in their lives. They feel they are "in control" now because they decide when, where, who and how much, but what they don't see is that they are basically recreating the old situation of their abuse and crediting the old feeling they had of not being good for anything but exploitive sex.

My feeling is that what you are doing is something similar, but as a fantasy. You fantasize a sexual situation in which you are back in control, but the situation is one that reflects the negative feelings you learned as an abused boy.

I don't mean to speak against the possibility that you are gay or bi or whatever. I would just suggest it's worth looking at these fantasies to see what they represent. That is, they may have nothing to do with your sexuality at all.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#182576 - 09/26/07 08:42 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: roadrunner]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
TG--

To chime in on this one: I acted out a small number of times before I acknowledged what was going on. The situations I sought were very specific opportunities to show off my naked body, to feel seductive, to not get it up when someone touched me, to be the initiator, to recreate really specific moments *by choice* and to say that *I* liked them. Why? Well, duh! Who doesn't want to change the past? Who doesn't want to say - NOPE, *I* was the initiator. *I* was in charge. *I* asked for it. Maybe not everyone, but I sure did. That's alot easier than acknowledging feeling completely powerless and afraid. For me at least.....

I am still ashamed about having done so. Mostly because it was not fair to the men with whom I did so. And honestly it was disrespectful to myself, but hey I learned from it and I am human.

So I'm not all that into guys. Thats pretty black and white for me. But even on this board I choose not even to talk about what I just wrote because there are a bunch of gay men who also sought out gay sex while coming to terms with their sexuality. And for alot of them, coming out of the closet was the most liberating thing they have ever done and I think they would really like to help anyone else in the same position. I watched a guy admit this to himself for the first time recently and it was simply beautiful.

But I wish there was a way that straight men who also go through all that tough, soul-wrenching work to be honest with themselves could do the same. My sexuality is just as much a part of me and my joy and I'd also like to celebrate that and proclaim it. Forgive me if it seems strange - but it was just as wrenching to come to terms with being straight. And if I proclaim it too, I feel like people won't understand that its just as affirming and wonderful, just as self-loving and self-accepting.

Nuff about me - just remember, though I think you know this, whatever is going on is ok. No matter what your sexuality is, it should be a huge source of pleasure *and* joy in your life. Working towards a place where it can be is awesome!

LOve,
TW


Top
#186610 - 10/11/07 09:00 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: testingWaters]
TIN Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/09/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Frederick MD
Gentleman,

This is has been one of the most 'reassuring' threads I have read that others are/have been in my boat. Jake - thank you for your honesty. It is comforting to see the place you could get to. I have belive I am near the same place personally, but not sure I can be there with my wife yet. Because of my actions, I lost a lot of trust. As much as I wish I could share and take that power away, Unfortunatly, I just can't at this time. Our life is to fragile at that moment, and I can deal with the preasure it adds. It can make being at home like walking on egg shells.

Thank you again for sharing. It's a great help!


Top
#187148 - 10/14/07 07:46 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to them? [Re: treadmill_guy]
saint-of-Lost-Causes Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/13/07
Posts: 57
Loc: Michigan
This has quite possibly saved my sanity! I thought I was not normal and wondered why I had these thoughts! THANKS SO MUCH!~

_________________________
We accept the love we think we deserve!

Top
#187369 - 10/16/07 01:49 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: treadmill_guy]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
just my opinion, take it or leave it, but...
a lot of good insight here, I've struggled for years to understand my sexuality, and the key word which jumped out at me was "impulsive". I remember a sleepover at age 10, where my best friend and I looked at his older brother's porn, and we agreed to suck each other off. He wasn't (as far as I know) ever abused; where I was *very* excited, hyper and eager to please, he just wanted an orgasm. My point is this- I'll never forget his reaction to the feeling of what I was doing, the surprised "Oh god does that feel good, don't stop".
It was the feeling of *power* and control over the situation that made this experience so memorable. Of course, he was ashamed and disgusted after, and wouldn't talk to me for a day.
My history includes both male and female abuse, so needless to say, sexual confusion has been an issue for some time. I think it's a boundary issue- I was hypersexual up to about age 20, and was either a cartoon of masculinity or, more rarely, femininity- but really just a little boy who was trying to purchase love through good performance. To me, it seems like a strong NON-SEXUAL male relationship might be what your heart's really after, and your actions are simply the only way your subconscious knows how to respond. Again, just my thoughts, hope this helped.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
#187494 - 10/16/07 08:20 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: dgoods]
TIN Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/09/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Frederick MD
Thanks - I agree with your assesment. I often assoicate every male bond with some level of sexual releationship or motive, when in fact it is not. It is difficult throught process to dis-associate the two. It is the little boy looking for the love and compasion and when the only measure as boy was sexual, it's difficult to seperate the two.

It keeps for a constant struggle, but with my rose colored glass, it does open up a whole new view that I hope someday to be able to have that deeper relationship with another male in a non-sexual way. It's a matter of getting over the bagage that comes with this abuse. How do you share those experiences and become that vulunerable? Thats the scary part. I haven't been ready to put myself out there yet or found the other male that I think could handle it.


Top
#187791 - 10/18/07 12:43 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: TIN]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
TIN,
my life was identical to yours in the past.
what i would say is just to keep working on the abuse. for me, during that work, i was able to disclose to my best friend and he has been there with me through all of this...the kicker is, he is also my pastor, i thought it would stop whatever relationship we had...but it didn't, it has strengthened it and we have become closer. I never, EVER iagined in my past that i would be in a healthy, close relationship with another man that wasn't sexual...how wrong i was. My wife knows all about the acting out i did for the first 16 years of our marriage, I am learning about trust, intimacy, and how to make my marriage (and other relationships) healthy.

hang in there my friend...it definitely can change!
buzz


Top
#188333 - 10/22/07 04:07 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: buzz_key]
dwchan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/05
Posts: 11
Loc: Vancouver, BC
Thank you all for posting. Like some have said, I thought I was going crazy... All I can say at this point is that I think I can relate to many of you. Not sure where I am right now, but I have been struggling during the last week. I recently told a very good friend of mine (actually he is more like a younger brother to me) about my fantasy of other males. This friend knows of my SA. I've always had a hard time admitting my troublesome fantasy even during therapy. This recent confession triggered a lot of memories and it brought me into a deep sadness. When I was in college, I lost a very close male friend because as we got close emotionally, we also became involved sexually once, and that scared him away. I don't want to repeat the same history with this dear friend of mine. I need to believe that I can have close male friends without being involved sexually. I've never been drawn to him sexually before. Shamefully, I have recently imagined acting out with him occassionally. I am sure if I did, I would lose him as a friend and a lot more... but what if he initiates it, would I be able to refuse? A moment of weakness will ruin everything that I have worked so hard to build up. Do I make any sense? Can anyone sympathize with me?

Danny - struggling


Top
#188340 - 10/22/07 07:46 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: dwchan]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Welcome Danny! I certainly can empathize with you. Allowing yourself to get in a mental see-saw where one minute you focus on the fantasy, and the next you berate yourself for having it in the first place, is something I'm guilty of.

Maybe a merry-go-round is a better analogy, one of urge, compulsion, shame, guilt, repression, secrecy; round and round we go. The cycle won't stop until we recognize that it is a cycle, and remember that our minds should belong to us. We often forget how hard it is, to get our hearts to accept what our minds know to be true. You may know that, given your history, at some time you are going to find yourself feeling attracted to males, and that acting on that attraction had negative consequences in the past.

While knowing this doesn't stop you from feeling aroused, it does present an opportunity to ask yourself some questions, such as: "Am I trying to replay the acts that took place during my abuse, but in a context that lets ME be in control, be the initiator?" Our minds often replay trauma over and over again; combined with the difficulty of accepting that our arousal, erections and orgasms happened during the abuse without meaning in the slightest that we wanted it, needed it, or were asking for it on any level, we find ourselves in situations repeatedly wondering why we're torturing ourselves so. Subconsciously, we try to substitute good associations for bad ones when we're aroused, to make sexuality something safe and positive, the way it seems to be for "normal" people. Yet reality never matches the fantasy- our fear, shame and guilt rise up to ensure we're a mess by the time any shot at sexual expression presents itself.

We often confuse normal adult interaction and behavior with predatory, manipulative, or deceptive behavior shown us by our abusers. I myself always have a negative reaction, and never a positive one, with the word "seduce"- i'm aware that many adults can have positive associations with the word, find it sexy, a turn-on. Not me. I read "seduce", "seductive", etc. and immediately think of deception, manipulation, betrayal and evil.

I noticed you see this friend as a younger brother, and that he knows of your SA, as well as your male fantasies. This could be another issue- you find yourself growing close to someone, and the child inside us cannot stand another betrayal,rejection, or abandonment. An unspoken conviction of being unworthy of love, that the other "wouldn't love me if they knew who or how i REALLY am" can co-exist with a deep need for acceptance, and fear of rejection. The closer one feels toward someone, the more struggle and tension there is between all of these intense drives and feelings, and the more likely something will sabotage the relationship if these issues aren't looked at as they come up.

I very much hope that if you are unable to get off the merry-go-round for now, and find yourself acting out, that you have at least been honest enough with your friend, so that anything you might end up doing won't totally shock him into trying to forget he knew you. If he has the strength to calmly turn aside any attempt to sexualize the relationship, while steadfastly refusing to be scared away or to stop caring about you, than you have been given a remarkable chance to start to ditch some very heavy chains indeed.
Again, welcome, hope something helped, and thanks for reading this post all the way to the end...;)

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
Page 3 of 7 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.