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#170765 - 08/03/07 03:21 PM Do you get confused with other men
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hi, I am new and this is a first post. I am a survivor of multiple male sexual abuse and incest. I am a gay man on a mission to heal and have come a long way. I do not think I am a sexual addict but I crave male attention and will do whatever I can to make connections. I prefer meaningful non sexual healthy relationships but admittedly confuse kindness or male attention having some attachment to sexual favors or submission. I usually confuse kindness to mean they want a favor. Does anyone else ever experience this confusion? Thanks,
Dan



Edited by Danbuff (08/10/07 08:33 PM)
_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#170766 - 08/03/07 03:35 PM Re: Do you get conused with other men [Re: Danbuff]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Dan,

First - Welcome to MS! And congratulations on yet another step along the path of your recovery.
Originally Posted By: Danbuff
I usually confuse kindness to mean they want a favor. Does anyone else ever experience this confusion?

From the guy's I've talked to, I'd say the confusing kidness for motive is a commmon thread for survivors of male perps.

Again, welcome!

M


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#170772 - 08/03/07 04:24 PM Re: Do you get conused with other men [Re: MarkK]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
In my house, Dan, when I was growing up, there was no affection shown. My parents beat me for being abused so there was no protection from multiple abusers - both male and female. After a while, affection and friendship = sexual interaction. All my close friends - male and female - were sexual partners. It took a long time (until I was in my late 30's, early 40's) before I made a solid connection to seperate the two! Sometimes, on "rainey days", those scars still hurt!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#170782 - 08/03/07 05:06 PM Re: Do you get conused with other men [Re: ScottyTodd]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dan,

Welcome to the site. You will find a lot of understanding and support here and I hope this will help you. As to your question, yes, it so often happens that abuse leads a boy to conclude that sex is something he has to give in order to gain and keep friends. That feeling doesn't go away just because he grows up. If it isn't addressed in therapy it will sit in the background and continue to harm the way he relates to other people.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#170797 - 08/03/07 06:29 PM Re: Do you get conused with other men [Re: roadrunner]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Once I reached adulthood, and some of the scars of my CSA were already beginning to rear their ugly heads, I would go out cruising for sex as a way to pump up my ego. Most of the time, I didn't really care if we had sex or not, but the fact that a guy I found attractive was also attracted to me was an ego trip. Sadly, once I had gone so far as to prove the attraction, there was no backing out of the sex part, so I did it whether I wanted to or not.

Our CSA teaches some of us that we are worthless for anything other than, as one of our brothers so aptly put it, "a life support system for a mouth, penis and ass..." Sex became one of the only ways I could gauge my self worth. It was not an act of love, it was an act of self-adulation... "If I was worthy enough for him, I must be worth something..."

How wrong-thinking is that?

Later in life, as I became jaded to the whole cruising/anonnymous sex thing, every time someone would pay me a compliment, or try to start up a conversation, I would immediately assume that they were just trying to get into my pants. I'm sure some of them were doing just that, but not everyone. I 'passed' on a lot of potential friends by being that way, and for a lot of years I was a lonely, suspicious man, searching for something but not allowing myself to see it if it walked up and bit me in the ass...

Any parallels to what you were asking about?

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#170820 - 08/03/07 08:23 PM Re: Do you get conused with other men [Re: Lazarus]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
This reply is to all who have taken the time to welcome me and respond to me. That is appreciated in the biggest way. To be understood and affirmed in a healthy supportive way is huge for me and probably all of us survivors. A wonderful, patient and supportive therapist just told me (once again) I have distorted thinking which I believe is correct. I am so stressed by my confusion and sometimes my seeking out male attention, bonding or affection, I get trapped into the myth that I have value if I do someone. More than wanting to be normalized and learn that I am not alone, I want to hear about success and the hope of changing. My therapist is right about having distorted thinking but I need to find a safe way where I respect and create boundaries. I am hoping somehow soon I begin to beieve I can change. Some days I just want human contact and it does not start out about sex. That confusion is like an unconscious reaction to getting my needs met if I do someone a sexual favor. Really I want love and respect. The lie is that sex is the answer. Does that sound about right to you guys? Thanks again and Peace to all.
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#170821 - 08/03/07 08:24 PM Re: Do you get conused with other men [Re: Danbuff]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Sounds awfully close to me.


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#177871 - 09/02/07 08:25 PM Re: Do you get conused with other men [Re: MarkK]
ca_tallguy Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 17
Loc: California
Hi everyone,

I'm new to the site and am just starting to try to get over the denial that CSA while growing up had an effect on me. I relate a lot to what has been said in this thread and things that I've read like this over the last week or so make me shocked that I could just dismiss the CSA as insignificant for so many years when I've felt so much turmoil deep down thinking that something was wrong and it was just me.

Anyway, I'm now in my late 30's and have isolated myself from having a social life or dating for several years now after a lot of empty sex in my 20's, punctuated by a few substantial relationships. One thing that I now relate to CSA is a terrible wall I've put up out of fear of being sucked into a situation with someone that I don't want to be in. Up until now, I just thought I was a pompus jerk who was full of himself since I would try very hard not to get into conversations in bars or let myself be approached because I feared that I wouldn't know how to say "nice talking to you" and walk away, causing myself to be trapped and pressured/manipulated into something more.

This is a pretty big breakthrough in realization for me and I hope that I can use it to change how I look at those situations, and know that I don't need to fear them and that I do have control if I don't want to be trapped.

It doesn't help that I have this pessimistic outlook on meeting people that might interest me. I've thought maybe my standards are too high, but learning about CSA over the last week has made me start to think that there is some deeper stuff going on. Whatever the case, I find it very hard to want to go socialize at bars or parties because I think that the few close friends I have are enough, and I long to have a relationship (which I doubt will be at the event/bar) and could care less about idle chit chat.

This post is getting long and rambling so I'll quit now. And yes, I realize how illogical it is to isolate myself from social situations as it's only guaranteeing that I won't find a relationship.

Thanks for listening! Would love any feedback.

- D


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#177876 - 09/02/07 08:56 PM Re: Do you get conused with other men [Re: ca_tallguy]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Hey D,

Welcome to MS, we are here to help each other. I am glad you found us, but I hate the fact that you need this site.

Let me start by saying, I am in the same boat about isolating myself. It has been 7 years for me, since I've had a meaningful relationship. I also share your pessimistic view of ever finding "Mr. Right".

I am starting to work on my issues, and I hope you stick around and work through your's.

Take your time, read all you want and ask any question that may come to mind. We are all here to learn and share.

Welcome again,
Carl

P.S. Hey, you may wish to re-post this on it's own thread, just so you don't get lost among the crowd.

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#177877 - 09/02/07 08:59 PM Re: Do you get conused with other men [Re: ca_tallguy]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
- D,

Welcome to MS, I hope you find the answers you are looking for, you are amoung friends here!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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