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#177673 - 09/01/07 05:12 PM Telling is healing....bump back
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
OK Guys,

I wanted to bump this back to the top, because we have so many new guys who may need to hear this. Check the end, for a new post from me (if you wish)


I had a really good chat last night in the treehouse with a great friend. (you know who you are) During this chat I was talking about some things that had helped me. As I typed away, this thought just came flowing out. I thought I would share it and see what you guys thought.

Many years ago I started to volunteer as a speaker for a group called NAPSAC. ( National Assoc. to Prevent Sexual Abuse of Children) The speaking gigs were primarily at schools, and included the safe touch pitch. Now and then we would speak to adults, and I would disclose the fact that I was a victim/survivor. Most of these talks would not get into details of my abuse, just touch on the subject.

I thought at the time, I was quite well adjusted, and I was dealing with my abuse. I had admitted I was raped and was seeing a therapist. He and I worked on a few things, but he was not well versed in dealing with CSA, so we mostly dealt with other troubles in my life.

The weight of the secret I had kept, was lifted and I thought I was done with my recovery. I felt like trying to help others prevent CSA would make me feel like I had conquered my demons.

Telling the secret was very healing.....

BUT....

As life continued, I started to feel bogged down. The weight came back, and it was affecting everything I was doing. Life got more and more difficult. I found myself working harder and harder just to keep afloat. Then in January of this year, it all came crashing down. (I live in St. Louis and this is the hometown of the pervert Micheal Devlin, the guy who kidnapped Shawn Hornbeck) Well this was a major trigger for me, and I began to follow the story daily. Even to the point of neglecting my work. I started to feel like I was being crushed by a major weight again.

I thought I had dealt with this in my past. What was going on?

Well last nights chat cleared up all the confusion. I had shared some of the secret, but not all of them.

In the last 4 months, I began to tell the details. The feeling of relief, after finding this site and talking about the whole episode, has done wonders for me. The weight has been lifted again.

I didn't realize this until last night, and I want to thank Chris for being there. He asked the right questions and gave me the support and freedom to figure this out, while I was trying to help him.

Wow... Telling the whole story has done so much for my sanity. When you tell the secret, you are setting yourself free. Letting the memories out, can free your mind to work on other things. It is amazing to me that it is this simple.

I know I have many more issues to work on, and a long road to follow, but I really think the journey has begun. Setting my secrets free, has started my mind thinking of other things. I now have room for new and less scary memories.

So guys, if you would help me in making new and pleasant memories, maybe I can fill my mind with productive thoughts.

Thank you all for listening, for the last 4 months, to the details I shared, and for your comments.

Chris, you are my hero!!! Thanks for being here.

Luv ya all.
Carl








_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#177675 - 09/01/07 05:37 PM Re: Telling is healing.... [Re: Scoutvictim]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Carl, [as you know I replied to an earlier version of your post...which was incomplete...so here's my edit]

You're such a great person...thank you for making the effort to give those talks in the schools. What an awesome and strong thing for you to volunteer for. Good for you that you've found this place and gotten advancement on your journey through "telling your story."

I wish you continued success in your quest...you've been a big help to me!

Peace,
REJ



Edited by trusty (09/01/07 10:36 PM)
_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#177678 - 09/01/07 06:00 PM Re: Telling is healing.... [Re: Scoutvictim]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
This is a pretty awesome post.

I remember the situation involving Shawn Hornbeck, and so many people asked, "why didn't he leave" while making stupid assumptions like "he must not have been treated that poorly if he stayed."

I know why he didn't leave. I think most of us do. That situation hurts me so much to think about.

But I can also relate to what you are saying when you thought that all of your inner demons were conquered. Yes, that's where I was a few months ago after giving up all of my addictions. The past two months have been filled with memories that I had conveniently forgotten until I was capable of processing them. I'm sure this will be a roller coaster ride for some time to come.

Thanks for the post.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#177717 - 09/01/07 08:33 PM Re: Telling is healing.... [Re: BJK]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
REJ and Bryan,

Thank you for the kind words.

I did get on this roller coaster under my own free will, but I didn't know it would be such a scary ride. I will shout "STOP THIS THING" every now and then, but I'm stuck. So the ups and downs will just have to be something I will have to put up with.

Thanks for coming along for the ride with me.

Maybe we'll make some new good memories!

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#177751 - 09/02/07 12:51 AM Re: Telling is healing.... [Re: Scoutvictim]
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Hi Carl,

Thank you for sharing with us.

I can relate.

I kept it inside until about 3 yrs ago. It has been 40 years buried so deep.

Once it came out here and with family and friends the heavyness was lifted. I am a new person inside because of the disclousre.

It is a freeing feeling and real happy you have experienced it also. My tag line keeps me on the course to further healing.

You say in your post "When you tell the secret, you are setting yourself free" You are so true.

Take Care, Jim (Healing Inside)

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#177782 - 09/02/07 10:08 AM Re: Telling is healing.... [Re: healing_inside]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Carl,

I'm so glad this has worked out for you, and I have to say this is exactly what I would have expected. When we begin to talk about things we empower ourselves in so many ways. We're refusing to shut up any longer, we're rejecting the blame and shame, and we're throwing it right back where it belongs. Good for you!

And good job Chris! We never know when someone is going to need us to "be there" for him. The moment is suddenly there, and in another moment the chance will be gone. You were able to "be there" - very cool indeed.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#177844 - 09/02/07 05:32 PM Re: Telling is healing.... [Re: roadrunner]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Larry,

Thank you for the support. I don't really feel empowered by letting the secret out, but I do feel relieved. I do know it's almost impossiable to shut me up, but that has nothing to do with my abuse. LOL

Now, onto making those happy memories! Will you come along for the fun?

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

Top
#177947 - 09/03/07 02:02 AM Re: Telling is healing.... [Re: Scoutvictim]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

Yes, telling the truth, especially about this, is therapeutic. I'm glad you were able to do so much good for others in giving talks at schools. Trust is the main issue in telling anyone about things that happened. Thank God I have a few good friends who know all of it, and still love me. You seem to be on the right track.


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#178067 - 09/03/07 07:19 PM Re: Telling is healing.... [Re: copenbay]
DeafDavid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/17/06
Posts: 38
Loc: NM
Carl,

Thanks for this post, it really made me realize some things. I too have shared alot about myself, but it is really the things that came out in court and everyone could have found that out anyway. I do still have some secrets that I just can't imagine sharing with anyone. Your post reminds me of how far I still have to go to open up and therefore really begin to work on my 'things'. Thanks again, this has me thinking . . . .


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#178089 - 09/03/07 09:58 PM Re: Telling is healing.... [Re: Scoutvictim]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Carl,

Originally Posted By: Scoutvictim
Now, onto making those happy memories! Will you come along for the fun?


Absolutely! What better way to spend time than making happy memories. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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