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#177346 - 08/31/07 06:22 AM Guilt over "liking it"
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
I'm afraid I need some help here guys. I've got guilt issues, and I've got them bad.

Here's what I know - that my abusers manipulated me into liking them, and liking what they wanted me to do, in order to make their job easier. And I fell for it, because I was a complete and total idiot. I didn't complain, not once. I thought they were the coolest adults in the universe, and I thought they cared about me or even (dare I say it?) loved me, to the point where when I was doing what they wanted me to do and it didn't hurt, I figured it was just all right because they would never make me do something harmful, right?

That was the mistake I made, when I was 10 years old. That was about 16 years ago, give or take. And that mistake has been haunting me ever since. 10-year-olds make all kinds of mistakes, of course; but by 27, most of those mistakes are forgotten about, because the mistakes you make when you're a little kid don't really matter that much. They don't make a huge impact on your life that lasts longer than a few days. But this mistake I've got to shoulder for the rest of my life?

I just can't get around the fact that "I liked it". My inner voice keeps telling me this, over and over. You liked it, and so it was all your fault. You liked it, so now you can't complain. You liked it, because you're a freak. I wish I could just rip that inner voice out of my head and throw it on the ground, and just stamp it out of existence. But I can't. So it stays there and constantly reminds me that the abuse was all my fault, and nobody else's. Because you liked it.

I wish I had somebody with me, someone who could hug me and tell me that it wasn't my fault, just as often as my inner voice tells me it was. Someone to tell me that my mistake was just like the rest of those mistakes I made as a little kid, that it just DOESN'T MATTER anymore. Some of you guys who have wonderful people like that - hold onto them, because they are a priceless commodity. And those of you who are those other, wonderful people - thank you so much for being there; he needs you, more than anything else in life. It so hard to do this alone. So terribly difficult. I wish I knew someone like you.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#177349 - 08/31/07 06:51 AM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: melliferal]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
All I can say is I hear you and I know what it feels like.

This may sound stupid but one of my fantasies is being in the situation similar to Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams keep on telling him its not his fault until he breaks down.

I can not do more than to tell you here, ITS NOT YOU FAULT.

I know this probably didnt help but just know, you are not alone in this.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#177350 - 08/31/07 07:21 AM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: melliferal]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I fantasize about going back and doing it again, so you're definitely not alone.

What I think you're talking about here is the after-effects of being groomed. Unforunately, this isn't like the other silly mistakes that a kid usually makes because this isn't a mistake. You weren't an idiot. You were a kid. Kids have a tendancy to love and to trust unconditionally, and you knew some adults who used that tendency against you. They are the ones who made the mistake.

I actually had to meet some kids to get myself to realize this. Why do my nephew and my nieces love and trust me so much? I have done nothing to earn their love and their trust. Yet, they love and trust me anyway. It's my job to make sure I am worthy of that.

This is a hard issue to deal with. It's the reason why most male victims of childhood sexual abuse never come forward about their abuse. I feel a tremendous amount of shame for liking what was done to me, but the key statement is that it was something that was done to me. I was tricked, just like you, and all of these years later, the most difficult part of the abuse to deal with is the grooming.

If I liked it and actively sought it out, it must have been my fault, right? The answer is "no". I wanted love and nurturing, and this was the only love and nurturing I received. So the bottom line really is, do I hold anything I did when I was 10 years old against myself? No...especially when I was accompanied by an adult who should have known better.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#177353 - 08/31/07 07:53 AM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: BJK]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
I liked it, too. I was never allowed to initiate, so I would wait and wait... because if felt good. I was little, but it was the most amazing feeling in the world. I would feel guilty afterwards because I liked it... 37 years later I still wake up some nights in a cold sweat - hating myself for going along, for always being available, for letting it happen.. hoping it would happen. When it stopped, I grieved and felt abandoned...


But it was not my fault. Like Bryan said, I was groomed. I was duped. I thought this was what I had to do to get acceptence from him and I did it... and because my body is programmed that way, it felt good...

It was not your fault... it was not your fault and I need to tell you, I teared up when i saw your post, because I dream about Robin Williams holding me, too.... except in mine, I get to be as nice looking as Matt Damon!

you are not alone, because we know... we all know... it was not your fault and you didn't deserve it... none of us did.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#177371 - 08/31/07 10:17 AM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: dannym]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
omg i totally liked it. it can be argued that it was the best sex ive had in my life. if you ask someone who wasn't abused what their most memorable time they had sex, they will probabaly say the first time. wether it was good or bad they remember it. so we remember it too. ours was just in a different situation.

and guys we are talking about sex. sex feels good. for most of us its the first time that we have ever been stimulated in that way. who wouldn't want that? as for faults. i almost think it is two fold. i hear ya at thinking that i am at fault and no matter who says im not, i cant imagine why i wouldn't be. it was me who went there. it was me who liked it. it was me who asked for more. i get that there is "grooming" invovled but at the end of the day, i knew what i was doing. the other part of the fault lied with the abuser. but you can argue that it isn't their fault either. if you think about it, someone who wants to have sex with children is obviously fucked in the head. so can we hold a mentally fuked person responsible? can it be argued that "he didnt know what he was doing because he's crazy?" i dont know. im just throwing that out there. i do know thought, that dwelling on "whose fault it is" doesn't do any good in the long run. focus on the things you can control.


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#177373 - 08/31/07 10:24 AM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: dannym]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Melliferal,

I did not like what my brother or his friend did to me...but it did set me up for my third perp. He told me he loved me and that made all the difference in the world..and I remember feeling it was OK and fun because he said he loved me. How crazy is that! A 45+ year old man having anal sex with a 12 or 13 year old boy and it was OK? I think my earlier abuse by my brother and his friend set up this last abuse.

That is what grooming does - it just mixes you all up. Don't beat yourself up because you liked it or are confused about it. Just let it go, feel what you feel, and move on.




Edited by kellygtx (08/31/07 10:26 AM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#177374 - 08/31/07 10:32 AM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: kellygtx]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
I hurt every time I see someone talk about their guilt, even though it's one thing I haven't run across. At least, not with the limited memories I have gotten back. In them, I never had a choice - the perps were much older, much bigger, much stronger, an usually more than one.

But I am positive, no matter how much you may have enjoyed the pleasures - the event was NOT your fault.

M


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#177375 - 08/31/07 10:43 AM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: MarkK]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Most victims who were groomed, as opposed to outright/forcibly raped, have to have liked at least SOME ASPECT of the attentions and affection that their perps offer, else wise, the grooming process can't succeed.

For instance, I didn't LIKE the sex, but I put up with it so that he would pay attention to me, talk to me, perhaps buy me gifts, let me play with his cool stuff in his house, all that.

I don't feel guilty AT ALL about what I did when I was 9, it was how I handled the effects of my abuse, later in my adult life, that I have a hard time forgiving myself for.


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#177380 - 08/31/07 11:09 AM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: Hauser]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Hauser -

I can agree with that - the guilt I feel over the abuse is NOTHING compared to the guilt I feel about how I handled it as an adult. The acting out...the cutting. Self forgiveness - I am still working on that!!~

But for you <<<<Hauser>>>>



Edited by kellygtx (08/31/07 11:27 AM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#177384 - 08/31/07 11:27 AM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: kellygtx]
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
Thanks guys, I appreciate all your comments. I suppose it does, after all, come down to my anger at having been groomed. I feel bad that I wasn't able to see it happening and resist. I know that you can't expect young kids to be able to do that; everybody plays the fool at some time or other, right? But still, I feel pretty bad about it anyway. I can't shake the notion that I should've known better. I'm trying, I really am, but it's not working yet.

Hauser, you are right - I absolutely did love the attention and affection. They acted like I was a friend rather than just a kid, and it was practically irresistible; I would've done anything for them. I guess I proved it too, didn't I?

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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