Newest Members
RodrigoBR, MJ545, Marant, BeingFound, journey4two
12332 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
blueelectron9 (48), Grunty1967b (2014), highflight (42), jocks44 (54), kitm1 (47), Porrick (44)
Who's Online
2 registered (2 invisible), 21 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12332 Members
74 Forums
63413 Topics
443354 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#177255 - 08/30/07 06:47 PM A survivor looking for a partner
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Where do I start? Do I bring it up, do I wait until later to broach this subject. I can't imagine bringing a partner into my life considering what I've read here. Yea, come on in and enjoy my disfunction. What would you have said to the problems your facing now if you had known before what you were getting into. Not bloody likely eh.

Is it possible for me to find love, when I started dealing with everything this was my goal, to not be alone anymore. But after the post's here it seems like I'm dooming any partner to misory. Is it worth it? I just don't know if it's fair to another. Am I doomed to be alone, I'd rather be alone than drag someone into this.

What would you have said if you'd have known this was the way it was going to be.

Good luck on trying to be nice ladies. The truth is all I want.

Stay Strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#177260 - 08/30/07 06:59 PM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: mogigo]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
Interesting question.

Would I be with my husband if I knew before...probably not. But I was 22 when we started dating and rob will testify as naive as they come. I had an extremely sheltered controlled childhood. My parents may be considered by some to be fundamentalists. I was so naive I was down right dangerous to my own safey. Some here will vouch that I still can be a bit naive at 38.

He waited 14.5 years of marriage to tell me. After I had asked him directly if he had been abused, we saw a sex therapist who asked, marriage counselors, and he denied it. That is hard. Because I took on all of the dysfunction in our sex life as mine. I was very naive. He is the only one I have been with. I thought I must really suck at this if he doesn't want it. And began self loathing and contempt.

My point in telling you this is if you are asked, don't deny. Doesn't mean everything needs to be told in detail, but don't make her think it is her problem. That is what hurts more than anything. Knowing he watched my pain and let me think it was me.
It also makes it hard to believe some the answers to some other tough questions

Be honest. Now, looking back, would I be here? Honestly, depends on the day. But I have 2 great kids.

I'd be happy to pm more if you like.
Lorie



Edited by healingpartner (08/30/07 07:01 PM)

Top
#177264 - 08/30/07 07:17 PM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: healingpartner]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


I have to agree with Lorie. The problem isn't so much the problems -- it's how they're dealt with. Simply being honest and owning one's own emotions/problems is key and is what allows life to move forward.

The pain you see on the part of the partners is largely the result of people not owning their own stuff and giving it to someone else -- like Lorie taking on the emotions of the sexual stuff.

The pain has little to do with the facts, even the difficult facts like sexual dysfunction. The pain is how it's dealt with and given away for the partner to experience so the survivor doesn't have to.

But it seems to me that your concern will serve you well in not setting up this very toxic dynamic.

Take care,
Katie


Top
#177266 - 08/30/07 07:28 PM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: healingpartner]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey HP, thank you. I wanted to hear something like "oh yea, love conquers all" lol. Just kidding. I think I did the same thing, I've only ever been with one partner except of course my assaulter and she did take on my disfunction as her own. Still have much guilt over this but I've since disclosed to her only so I could let her know it wasn't her. Hard shit, but I felt she deserved to know.

Thank you HP, honesty is so refreshing.

Stay Strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#177268 - 08/30/07 07:32 PM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: mogigo]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Tx Katie

love ya

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#177285 - 08/30/07 08:38 PM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: mogigo]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


I was just puruising old posts and ran across a really great thread about the value some have found in this group. And it's the thing that is so simple, yet rarely had: simply speaking from the heart.

It's that simple Mike. And that difficult. But don't confuse the distinction between the two.

Ultimatley, it's what we all want, more than anything, even sex or the "right" sex.

Not honesty as in "Honesty is very important to me, I always tell the truth".

It's more than that, or maybe less than that. It's simply expressing what's in one's heart.

Women fall all over the place for that.

Everything else is icing on the cake, and we can make of that whatever we will: chocolate, vanilla, swirls.... It's just play.

K.


Top
#177292 - 08/30/07 08:53 PM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: Kathryn]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
I agree it is a very intersting question, so I put it to my wife.

She said, yes, but she wish she had known, because then she would have had a choice. She said she thinks the choice would have been to marry me, but it would have been nice to be able to make that choice.

But the question got me thinking. If those of us who are married knew a lot of the difficulties that arise with relationships, would we have gotten into them? If my wife knew I would be come a terrible alcoholic, would she have married me? If I had known she would be stricken with a terrible disease that has limited so much of what she can do - and has added an enormous amount of responsibility to me, would I have said "I do?". If I had known that raising children could bring such challenges, would I have wanted to have them? If I knew that friendships can be difficult sometimes, would i have made friends? I thinks on most counts, I . would say "Yes, absolutely". The joy and contentment I get from all those relationships make my life enjoyable.. they make the pain I feel much more bearable.

I think honesty is the best way to go. People come with baggage... all people, not just survivors, and if we can be upfront about that, all the better. But life has no guarantees. Partners get old, sick, drunk, cheat, die - a lot of baggage gets added on in life, and if you can love each other, communicate, negotiate and compromise, you can get around an amazing amount of obstacles.

Would any of us do half of the things we've attempted in our lives if we knew they would be so difficult? Probably depends on the person. But I have few regrets with the people that mean the most to me - my wife, my kids, my friends, my family - they accept me with all my issues and I accept them with theirs.

Just my two cents. Hope it was ok
Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

Top
#177293 - 08/30/07 09:00 PM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: dannym]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Oh, forgot to add... my wife closed our discussion by saying, "If you knew I'd interit my mother's butt, would you have married me?"

Hmmmmm - good questions \:\)
Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

Top
#177321 - 08/30/07 11:18 PM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: dannym]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Hi Mike!

I agree with all that Lorie, Katie and Dan said - I especially love what Dan's wife said about her mothers butt!!!!!

I'm going to give you perspective from a wife whose husband is in denial and is not honest and has not owned his issues. It sucks!!!!

He spent many years balling up his self loathing, insecurities and shame and hurled it all at me. He needed me to be worse of a person then he felt he was. Only problem is I never believed any of it. I knew about his CSA early in our relationship but he minimized it and I believed him when he said it was no big deal.

We are no longer together, and he has fully embraced numbing himself out with booze and pot. He is in a really bad place in his life.

Would I have married him having known what hell he was going to put me through?????? My answer is yes (with reservations)he was a good man and we had a good marriage at one time. He was a good father and we have 2 wonderful sons. I guess the difference is that we would still be together if he had faced his issues - regardless of where he was in his recovery. If he had been honest with himself and taken even a small step towards recovery, I would still be with him. But him not owning his problems after all these years, I had no hope and was not willing to sacrifice myself or my sons for someone who was so paralized with fear that he would be willing to live out the rest of his life in misery.

Now for your situation, the great news is that you are facing your issues and that is huge. Us women are very wise and insightful and we can love a man with problems and issues as long as he recognizes and works on his problems and issues - even in small steps.

As everyone said, be honest and continue to work on yourself. You deserve to have a wonderful, loving, healthy relationship and that is possible.

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

Top
#206310 - 02/20/08 02:09 AM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: mogigo]
Chagrin Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 17
Loc: BC Canada
Hi there!

I am new here... I've spent a couple days just reading and reading... and reading! I told myself I wasn't going to do any posting as I am quite a tentative individual, but after stumbling on this post from ages ago and not finding any replies that I really related to I felt somewhat compelled to say something to you Mike (and anyone else who may read!) from my own perspective.

My husband and I became exceptionally good friends and pretty much fell in love when we were 18 years old. He disclosed his abuse to me long before we ever married and, though I was slightly uncertain about how things would be when he asked me to marry him, I have no regrets. He is still absolutely my very best friend and though this isn't entirely enough at times to keep things really happy and hopeful in our relationship it IS enough to keep us together and focused on trying to maintain what we DO have.

There are MAJOR ups and downs and MAJOR highs and lows, especially now that he is going through some extensive recovery work, but I try really hard every day to remind myself that he is the man I love and can't imagine what things would be like without him!

So, even though you posted this forever ago, I just wanted to say, don't close yourself off to love because you feel somewhat "dysfunctional"! Lord knows, we all carry around emotional baggage of some sort that creeps it's way into some of the strongest relationships! You deserve to find someone to "grow old with" just as much as anyone else. You just have to find the right person!

~ Chagrin \:\)


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.