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#206323 - 02/20/08 08:26 AM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: Chagrin]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Mike,

I would like to commend you in your 2nd post above for disclosing to her and letting her know it was not her fault.

Per others on this post...I agree that the most important thing is to be honest and to speak from your heart.

If you feel that you are at a good point in your recovery where you feel you are healthy enough to pursue a partner...then I would say go for it. And the mere fact that you posted here and even have the where with to ask tells me that perhaps that is where you are...any of us only want someone we can love and spend the rest of our lives with.

As for me, I only wish that I would have been told prior to our becoming a couple so that I could have at least had the option of deciding if this is what I wanted to take on. Would I have taken it on had I been told....as hard as this is.....I can honestly say that I do not know. This is tough!

It is interesting that some of the ladies post that they blamed themselves all along for their sex lives not being what they thought it should be. For us...it has been quite the opposite...prior to my knowledge of his CSA....we had the best loving, fulfilling sex life that either of us have ever had...since all of this came to light....our sex life has not been good and now I find myself asking if it is me?

This CSA is a crazy thing!

Best of luck to you Mike.

Lou


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#206341 - 02/20/08 09:42 AM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: healingpartner]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2569
Originally Posted By: healingpartner
Interesting question.

Would I be with my husband if I knew before...probably not. But I was 22 when we started dating and rob will testify as naive as they come. I had an extremely sheltered controlled childhood. My parents may be considered by some to be fundamentalists. I was so naive I was down right dangerous to my own safey. Some here will vouch that I still can be a bit naive at 38.

He waited 14.5 years of marriage to tell me. After I had asked him directly if he had been abused, we saw a sex therapist who asked, marriage counselors, and he denied it. That is hard. Because I took on all of the dysfunction in our sex life as mine. I was very naive. He is the only one I have been with. I thought I must really suck at this if he doesn't want it. And began self loathing and contempt.

My point in telling you this is if you are asked, don't deny. Doesn't mean everything needs to be told in detail, but don't make her think it is her problem. That is what hurts more than anything. Knowing he watched my pain and let me think it was me.
It also makes it hard to believe some the answers to some other tough questions

Be honest. Now, looking back, would I be here? Honestly, depends on the day. But I have 2 great kids.

I'd be happy to pm more if you like.
Lorie


Ok, when I got married, if my wife had asked me if I had been abused, I would have said no. Not because I was denying, but seriously, at that point, I didn't think I was. Of course she didn't ask, as everything seemed normal. After about 5 years of marriage I started to realize things, remember things. I told her about those things. It was hard. Very Very hard! But even at that point, if you asked me if I had been abused, I would have said no. I still had not gotten to the point where I understood it as abuse. Perhaps I was in denial. It wasn't until a short month or so ago that that denial and other various barriers etc started falling apart on me and I found myself a complete and utter mess that the realization set it. Then of course more memories followed.

My poor wife, even though she knows, still says things like "If I were only a good enough wife." or "If only I were woman enough for you..." So she knows but still in some part is blaming herself. I've tried to tell her over and over that it is not her fault, but I really don't know how to get that through to her.


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#206405 - 02/20/08 05:29 PM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: JustScott]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hi Mike,

I really hope you decide to pursue a relationship. Everyone deserves love and support in their lives. I'm very sure you have qualities you are discounting if you doubt this.
For example, according to the book "if the man you love was abused", male abuse survivors are often self-reliant, flexible, protective/excellent guardians, reserved, tender, kind and go-getters. From what I've seen, there is a lot of truth to this.
Everyone has good and bad qualities. At least you know about your bad ones and can work on them. Don't forget the good ones.

It is very difficult for me to know how I'd answer your question. If I'm allowed to give the cheeky answer, I'd say "absolutely! since its a do-over I KNOW about the CSA this time and things will go differently. " But that's not what you are asking is it? You're asking if I'd do it again if it had to be the same way. I don't know. If things work out between my H and I, then yes, if not, I really dont know, but probably. (of course, that equation doesn't factor my kids in... I wouldn't trade them
for anything).

If the answer were 'no', it wouldn't be because of the hard work or the patience I've had to show. I dont think it would even be because of life's landmarks, many of which for me have a painful memory assoc. where there's 'supposed' to be a happy one. The deal breaker for me would be the deep scars I have now as a result of my H's CSA.
I know this example has been used before, but its my best one. Sex. My H and I had amazing sex until he realized he loved me. We then had horrible robot sex until I complained. He refused to discuss it and cut me off for 15 years. I absolutely 100% believed for most of those 15 years that we weren't having sex because I was so hideous, even though he has never said anything but good about how I look. I guess that was my demons jumping into the mix. We do have sex now and I have known for a long time that our lack of sex had nothing to do with me. But this scar is so deep that it hasn't healed yet.
When I think of the scars I now have, I am very sure they could have all been greatly minimized or avoided altogether had I known what was going on. If I had known that the CSA occurred, and had also educated myself somewhat about the recovery process things would have gone very differently.

The thing is, when I got married I was young and completely oblivious to the horrors of the world. When you enter into a relationship you and your partner wont be in the same place my husband and I were. You are aware and informed and you have support. None of that was true for us. It seems you might be in a similar situation to my cheeky answer.. the do-over where the partner knows... where my answer is 'absolutely!' (and believe me, I've been through the ringer!).

Hope that helps,
I'd love to know how you're feeling about this since you posted,

LJA


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#206600 - 02/21/08 02:26 PM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: LJA]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Well due to unprecidented demand I'm here to update \:\) Just kidding.

Let's see, still no partner but definately a different point of view after almost a year and a half of dealing with everything. I definately have a better outlook on the situation, I guess more than anything what changed was actually seeing I have some value. It's still a tough call on looking for a partner, I feel like it's possible and I guess I would feel comfortable doing that but I'd like to wait just a little bit more. Sex is the biggest issue, don't want my first date to end up with me saying "I like long walks, movies, golf, and oh yea, I hate sex \:\) lol" I'm working on the issue but not quite there yet. I guess to sum it up is I think I might be able to make someone very happy on everything except the intimacy issue, so I'll wait a little longer. Maybe trying to wait until I can be "everything" to someone but after 17 years without I can wait a little longer. The great part is I think I'll get there.

Thanks to everyone who answered, "Is healing possible?" YES, "can things change?" YES.

Don't give up on you're guys ladies, if they want to it's more than likely you'll be way better off than you ever thought possible. Most guys will never be able to look at themselves the way your guy's are. I think the end result may be everything you ever wished your man would be. It's just a hard ride getting there.

Stay Strong, thanks for understanding.
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#206654 - 02/21/08 09:13 PM Re: A survivor looking for a partner [Re: mogigo]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Originally Posted By: mogigo



Most guys will never be able to look at themselves the way your guy's are.



Mike, boy is that ever a true statement. I think everyone of you men on this Male Survivor site deserves the biggest pat on the back ever.....it is nice to see men who are dealing even though I know all of you wish that you were not having to.

Best of luck to you.


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