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#177134 - 08/30/07 09:01 AM Walking on Eggshells or just a bad day?
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
I'm not even sure if I should be here or not I'd hate to be the girl that cried wolf. If I could ask for a little guidance I'd appreciate it.

June 28th I was disclosed to by my BF, and August 7th he disclosed to his therapist. So as you can see we are in the very very early stages of healing. If you read below, I emailed a letter to my bf this week tuesday to be specific as it's his T day.

Dear Michael;
I'm sure you've seen a little bit of a change in me recently. I mean how could I not. The thing that I've been thinking a lot about is where to start. Where to start for me to understand how I'm feeling and maybe should be feeling, where you are how you are all that, and I don't mean me just plain asking you. I mean since you've disclosed to me (that's the proper term, disclosed) has it changed anything for you, maybe in a good way or bad? No need to answer.

My mind has been in overload lately, with all the reading I've been doing it's put me in a different state. Looking at everything differently, looking at people differently it seems the more I read the more I realize that this is different for everyone. Every single case of CSA is different, and every survivor is different and everyone's healing is different. Which leaves no directions on healing. I wish there were directions on what is okay for me to say to you, or what isn't. What is okay for us to experience and what isn't. I guess basically what I'm saying is maybe what I've been thinking is okay to ask you or things we share maybe isn't, okay, with you. I'm sorry if it has been a little to much to early for you. Maybe you haven't wanted to say NO to me because you feel I have been hurt by you enough, and saying NO to me would therefore send us in turmoil. I can tell you that wouldn't be true. This is "your" story, this is "your" healing and I would never take that from you, by forcing you through this process. I respect you to much.

I sort of wish now that we were talking face to face the day I read your "Option A Option B" letter's. Looking back now seems so callous of me just to be blabbing to you on the phone, not sitting face to face talking. It's weird now for me, but it's done and maybe for you the best way you could. I also have had this on my mind and wanted to share. I guess it's time you know how I really feel since the day of June 28th 2007.

I don't think your a liar, I do know you love me otherwise you wouldn't have disclosed to me. Maybe you love me more than I can handle, who knows. I can however, tell you that even the smallest of lies isn't healthy for US or YOU. If you've been lying for years to avoid the truth, it's got to be hard not to lie or tell a fib. I would think it might even be a habit. Please tell me the truth always, and if I can't handle it, I promise to give you a boundary. I love you and I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable with my questions.

The only thing you need to know is I'm here, and I plan on staying through to the end as long as you'll go to the end. I know we can do this together.

I've purged my mind, you know how I feel now.....I'm spent! also there is no need to respond, I just wanted to get that out in the open.
always,
your girl


Now, he thanked me for the letter. I never asked, this week how his session went. I figured he'd tell me if he wanted. Unlike last week he was TOTALLY THRILLED, with his session and was sure enough to call me and let his joy out, this week specifically these past few days he's been quite. Okay, no big deal....Here are the Eggshells I see, but maybe I'm just being sensitive, so please help me understand if you can. He's been drinking beer every night this week, approx. 3 a night, we've gone to bed at 10 for the past couple of nights instead of 11-1130, and it's been 2 weeks now since we've been intimate. No big deal. I'm just not sure where he is and it's a little hard for me when he's so silent. Last night he sort of snapped at me for a little (believe me little) mistake, he made in the morning but like I told him it's not a battle I want to fight, I vented my concern and let it lye all day. He brought up that fact that he can't do anything right today. I in turn said, I never said that or even implied that.

So is this the beginning or just a bad week? If it is the beginning of the healing process, how do I communicate with him about boundaries when he doesn't know where they are or what they are. I sort of feel like I'm standing in the rain looking for a little shelter. If he's not ready to talk, okay! but I don't know what is okay and what isn't. If he's not feeling comfortable being intimate with me, I wish he could just say so, I would understand instead of me guessing in my head, I've also said to him in the past that I won't make the move, I'll wait for him. I see my own therapist weekly, and of course with Labor Day this week, Monday is my T day, and we have no session planned, so I can't talk this out with her. I know there are no directions given to CSA survivors or their families, but can someone put my mind at ease or help me understand a little if I'm overreacting, is it time for us to have another couples counseling to talk this out?

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#177298 - 08/30/07 09:20 PM Re: Walking on Eggshells or just a bad day? [Re: Agape Girl]
nicky Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 261
hi your words sound familar kind of
your boyfreind is much braver then me thogh
im still having so much trouble and i cant even see or talk to the girl that i love
but what he says to you soundslike somtimes things that ihave said
this probly makes no sense
i think couple counseling might be good
thats what id like to do eventuly
good luck and i like what agape means
nicky

_________________________
i like the rain cause no one knows im crying

a strong man is one who is able to control himself when he is angry
what is your definiton of control?

i lay awake another hour
just like the one before
the shadows play a game with my head
i can't take this anymore

http://youtube.com/watch?v=x4EOw8wPBN8




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#177329 - 08/31/07 01:06 AM Re: Walking on Eggshells or just a bad day? [Re: Agape Girl]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
hello Kelly,

Yes after your B/F getting stuck in traffic tonight was not a good night. I of coarse don't know you guys work days but hopefully you have a long weekend ahead. Having a full day to get him decompressed could help to build that safe place. Something I think you should do is build it big enough for two.

The reason is that you said in your post that you already see a T so I have to assume that you have something that you are working on as well. And I can tell from your words that this has been a unexpected load on you. So make sure that you feel safe as well. This will help you to stay strong.

I feel that him telling you about his SA and him going to see a T might have put both of you in a mild state of shock. It might take a bit of time for both of you to settle in to what is really a new part of a relationship to try to figure out. If all goes well it will hopefully be much like when two people start dating and begin to get to know each other. Just this time most of the stuff you guys have done so now you guys will be working on how too arrive at the other end even stronger both as a couple and individually than when you started. But it will be a long and bumpy road. But I believe that if you guys hang in there through what will be hard times you will have a very solid relationship.

Take care.
Brokensoul


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#177381 - 08/31/07 11:17 AM Re: Walking on Eggshells or just a bad day? [Re: nicky]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Nicky;

I read your posts often, you sound so in pain, and I'm truly sorry for that burden you are carrying. When I read your posts you sound like your brain won't shut off, like you have so much to say and are desperately trying to find the words, the time, and the way to express yourself. You're doing great by starting here with friends and people that can help you process. I give you a lot of credit! Keep it up and stay in the light, it's good for you there!

always,
your friend
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#177613 - 09/01/07 11:57 AM Re: Walking on Eggshells or just a bad day? [Re: Agape Girl]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Kelly,

Walking on eggshells or just a bad day? I'd say a healthy dose of both. He's going to use you as the "punching bag" not physically, but mentally because you're the one he trusts and you know what's going on. Don't allow it. It's OK for him to have bad days or even weeks, it's OK for him to say he doesn't want to talk, it's OK for him to want to spend time alone, it's OK for him to be sad or mad, but it's not OK to take his frustration out on you or leave you wondering what to do. Call him on it when it happens, not in an angry way, just point it out if it happens, touch his arm or give him a hug if he'll accept it and go be somewhere that he's not. Let him cool off and digest what's happening. My gut tells me that he'll come around and see what's going on.

I know that the problem with my b/f is that he's afraid to ask me for time alone; he thinks it will hurt my feelings. What he doesn't see is that I can feel when he's agitated and if I'm around then I get put on guard. I give him his space during the week and for hours at a time on the weekend so he can re-group, but if something comes up that I don't know about and he keeps silent about it, then we're in a pickle.

It'll take time for him to learn this lesson and you have been thrust into the role of teacher. I don't particularly like it very much and I imagine you won't either, but it's necessary and the rewards are great. My b/f is learning and guess who the test subject is most of time? But I've also been a witness to it when he stands his ground with someone else, I'm talking small stuff really, but not something he's used to doing and I'm very proud of him when it works out. I also reassure him that he did the right thing for himself. He's uncomfortable with that and has a long way to go, but he's taking those baby steps.

Good Luck Kelly..............Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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