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#177064 - 08/29/07 10:44 PM About to do something really bad
Grandad Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/12/06
Posts: 5
Loc: NC
Hello! I have been married for three years now. I pretty much know where I am with my sexuality I admit to having an attraction for men but I also do get turned on by women. My wife and I have a healthy and good sex life. I have lately been really lonely as I have been living away from my wife due to work and have at several times tried to get into dating sites and found myself looking at gay mens profiles and starting to get in touch with them for discrete hook ups. I am very tempted to hook up right now and I don't wanna go down that track cause at one point in my life I did and have suffered so much from it. I need help real bad. Anything you guys can advice will be appreciated.Thanks


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#177155 - 08/30/07 10:29 AM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: Grandad]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i personally dont have that issue because i only like guys. but i know that a lot of guys here do have that issue. you can look through other posts here as well and you can get all sorts of info and person stories with the same type of issue.


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#177180 - 08/30/07 12:50 PM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: Jarrad]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hi Grandad,

I can relate with your struggle. It seems one of the bi-products of being abused is sexual confusion and being attracted to both sexes and that certainly has been my experience. Being married and in a committed relationship makes it very difficult to act on the urges and as you stated, it can often lead to suffering of some sort, guilt, loss of self esteem, possible disease, and have a negative impact on the relationship.

Others here have been able to acknowledge the desires and in some cases, resist them with the help of their spouse, counseling, etc. And in other cases, decide they felt more comfortable in a gay relationship and have moved in that direction. Most likely, there are lots of different ways we have handled the situation.

I think it is important to do what is right for you, what ever that is. I personally, have tried to get a lot of information about why the attraction exists in the context of being a survivor, work with a therapist to better understand the dynamics of my past and present happenings from a wholistic perspective; join a group of men who have a same sex attraction, led by a therapist, in hopes of getting more information and support in the current place that I am in.

I think the worst thing you can do is try to do it all on your own. You are tempted to hook up now and i have to believe the desire will only get stronger, especially if you act on it. Jarred suggested reading how other folks have dealt with it and if you look at what others are doing having the same struggle, you may get some ideas for yourself as well.

I am glad your reaching out, let us be there for you the best way we can, and then you do some homework on your own and hopefully you will get where you need to be. It is not a situation that you can completely get over from my perspective, but with help, you can determine what is right for you to do with it.

Take care,

Barney


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#177188 - 08/30/07 01:40 PM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: Barney]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: Barney
I personally, have tried to get a lot of information about why the attraction exists in the context of being a survivor...


I have a theory about this (I have a lot of theories).

Most men (probably applies to women too) have the capability of being involved in (enjoying) same sex relations if they found a reason to explore it. Society teaches the ideality that opposite sex relations are valued highly while same sex relations are unfavorable. For the average person the desire to be with another male is probably not strong enough to cause them to "open that door", and thus there are no experiences or images for them to draw on to feed the desire. For CSA survivors, that door has already been opened by some unscrupulous individual while we were still naive.

Not that my theory brings you any comfort, but if it does that's awesome!

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#177222 - 08/30/07 05:16 PM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: cbfull]
Grandad Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/12/06
Posts: 5
Loc: NC
I thank you all for the above information shared. Ron we have spoke in the chat room about this last night and I appreciate the time. I will probably start by actively seeking a therapist. Now if anybody can just point me to the right to direction in finding a therapist I will do that. I will be in Soutwest VA. Anybody knows a good one in that area?


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#177223 - 08/30/07 05:18 PM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: cbfull]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Grandad -

Bottom line - if you are in a committed relationship you can not act out. It will only add to the guilt and shame. I speak from experience. If you love her - protect her. If you don't love her - let her go. You can not have it both ways.

Reach out!



Edited by kellygtx (08/30/07 05:19 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#177229 - 08/30/07 05:31 PM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: kellygtx]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hi, look at this site's home page, there is a section there titled: Professionals and under that section there is a part called "Find a Therapist" See if that is any help to you.

Good luck


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#177307 - 08/30/07 09:49 PM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: kellygtx]
Grandad Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/12/06
Posts: 5
Loc: NC
I got you there kellygtx. Should I protect this relationship or should I sort myself out first and find out who I truly am? I do not know. Part of me wants this stable family life I am in now and part of me wants to be set free to do as I wish. I have not acted out but I will probably soon unless helped. So I am seeking help. As for my relationship with my wife should I go and tell her I am 'sexually confused"? and yes at one time I was having sex with men? If anyone has done that with success without their wives freaking out please let me know so I can do the same...Ron there is just this one T in VA and he is not close to where I will be at. Sucks doesn't it?


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#177319 - 08/30/07 11:04 PM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: Grandad]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
G-dad,
I'm in the same boat...except I told my wife without figuring out the next step, and it's about put her over the edge. She's losing her mind. I lost mine months ago, and we're in a battle all the time. I'd say don't tell her til you get some things figured out. The guilt is too much.

Good luck,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#177322 - 08/30/07 11:21 PM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: trusty]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hey suggest you call the guy in Va and ask him if he knows someone in your area, worked that way for me. Pull out all the stops

Ron


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