Well I am kind of proud of the fact that I finally really talked about my sexual abuse with my therapist the other day!
It had been causing me anxiety for many days before. When we started the session there was a moment where I didn't want to let it escape my mouth - it felt like my mouth and throat were actually constricting to keep the words in. I guess I could have backed out at that point, but, fortunately for me I guess, I've been so absorbed in this issue that I really didn't have an alternative thing to talk about! This was it.
When I started talking about it my voice was really weak. My mind felt numb, and I was kind of nauseated. But once I was talking I felt ok. I became really aware of how much POWER the secret itself had over me. Others might have different experiences, but I didn't have much resistance to talking about it once the "secret" was out. I think this goes way back to the time when I literally could not tell my mom or anyone. In my 13 year old world there was not question of choice - it was obvious: I could tell no-one. This is strange to me because he never threatened me or even pressured me to keep it a secret - I just knew I had to - mainly because I was afraid of the affect it would have on everyone around me (how did he know that is another question for later...). Even in my session I was afraid about how my therapist would react - she would feel sorry for me, overreact, etc. I couldn't handle that. Anyways, she reacted fine (as I knew logically she would despite my fears).
I also discovered that one reason I didn't want to talk was that I didn't want to be considered a mess - didn't want to be in the category of "screwed up" - it felt dirty, slimy, especially with the whole secret sexual side of things. I wanted to be clean of all that.
Well, over the course of the hour I realized something kind of amazing: there is a part of me that he didn't touch, and didn't have control over - that was there before and is still with me. And I felt that I could "get over" this, that it was not insurmountable and didn't scar me for life. However terrible it was I know I can face it and I know that that's the only way I can move forward. I know it will be a long process and won't be fun. I'm just tired of being trapped in and fearful inside, and of my asshole abuser still having power over me.
So yes, it was a pretty good session!
The next day I felt like crap and didn't want to deal with it anymore, but even that was okay. I'm going to give myself a vacation for week from all this, but I wanted to post here first. Thank you. You are all what helped me start this work and begin to heal.