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#177003 - 08/29/07 08:07 PM Talked to my therapist about abuse:
Vandossi Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 15
Well I am kind of proud of the fact that I finally really talked about my sexual abuse with my therapist the other day!

It had been causing me anxiety for many days before. When we started the session there was a moment where I didn't want to let it escape my mouth - it felt like my mouth and throat were actually constricting to keep the words in. I guess I could have backed out at that point, but, fortunately for me I guess, I've been so absorbed in this issue that I really didn't have an alternative thing to talk about! This was it.

When I started talking about it my voice was really weak. My mind felt numb, and I was kind of nauseated. But once I was talking I felt ok. I became really aware of how much POWER the secret itself had over me. Others might have different experiences, but I didn't have much resistance to talking about it once the "secret" was out. I think this goes way back to the time when I literally could not tell my mom or anyone. In my 13 year old world there was not question of choice - it was obvious: I could tell no-one. This is strange to me because he never threatened me or even pressured me to keep it a secret - I just knew I had to - mainly because I was afraid of the affect it would have on everyone around me (how did he know that is another question for later...). Even in my session I was afraid about how my therapist would react - she would feel sorry for me, overreact, etc. I couldn't handle that. Anyways, she reacted fine (as I knew logically she would despite my fears).

I also discovered that one reason I didn't want to talk was that I didn't want to be considered a mess - didn't want to be in the category of "screwed up" - it felt dirty, slimy, especially with the whole secret sexual side of things. I wanted to be clean of all that.

Well, over the course of the hour I realized something kind of amazing: there is a part of me that he didn't touch, and didn't have control over - that was there before and is still with me. And I felt that I could "get over" this, that it was not insurmountable and didn't scar me for life. However terrible it was I know I can face it and I know that that's the only way I can move forward. I know it will be a long process and won't be fun. I'm just tired of being trapped in and fearful inside, and of my asshole abuser still having power over me.

So yes, it was a pretty good session! The next day I felt like crap and didn't want to deal with it anymore, but even that was okay. I'm going to give myself a vacation for week from all this, but I wanted to post here first. Thank you. You are all what helped me start this work and begin to heal.

Vandossi

_________________________
The greatest and most devastating ignorance of humanity is perpetuated in the daily lives of families. Most of us do not want such knowledge... But our love for our children and for the human race might give us the courage to face these issues and allow us to look inward...

- A.H. Almaas

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#177958 - 09/03/07 02:57 AM Re: Talked to my therapist about abuse: [Re: Vandossi]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

Not sure you're back yet. Don't think you're strange that you didn't tell anyone, even without threats, or that you had difficulty even speaking to a therapist. I've been there. When I first said anything, it came out so confused that very little help came (at that time). And the next try was a complete loss, because I couldn't speak. It took quite a while to say anything, and I wasn't even treated as horribly as many others were, for crying out loud!
Anyway, props to you on the breakthrough. Keep up the good work.


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#178135 - 09/04/07 07:29 AM Re: Talked to my therapist about abuse: [Re: copenbay]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Vandossi,
What you did took a lot of courage. All your reactions were absolutely normal and many of us have experienced the very same things. The enormous freedom from fear of people finding out is huge. Even when I first disclosed to my wife, there was lots of shame, but it felt good that the secret was out. Now you can really start to heal. You should be very proud of yourself.
love
Paul


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#178144 - 09/04/07 08:05 AM Re: Talked to my therapist about abuse: [Re: Paul1959]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Vandossi,

Hey, very cool session and congratulations! I can relate to what you say about how things just flowed once you started talking. I was so frightened and clammed up when I went for my psychological assessment prior to beginning therapy (that's how they do things here in the UK), and I can now see it was for all the reasons you mention. But then the assessor asks me, "And how would you describe your childhood?" Oh man! Talk about meltdown! I got started and didn't want to stop.

And I like your attitude towards your recovery. Yes, the abuser can harm a boy, but he can't destroy who the boy is. We see that all the time here as good and decent guys rediscover themselves and learn how to live the fulfilling and joyful lives they were always meant to have.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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