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#174873 - 08/22/07 02:43 AM Vacation Bible School
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Last year, my niece attended her first Vacation Bible School; she was 4 years old. I went to their concert at the end of the week because it was important to my wife that we be there to support her. There were 80 - 100 little kids in front of the church signing their little hearts out for the 300 parents and family members in attendance. The love, joy and innocence in that little church was overwhelming to me. I started to cry and I just couldn't stop. I slipped out the side door for a few moments to try to get my composure; thats when the real tears began! I never made it back into the church.

In these past 6 years of my recovery, I've become pretty comfortable with my own tears. My wife (of 2 1/2 years) understands and supports me in my recovery efforts. I just don't feel comfortable sharing my tears with 400 total strangers (100 of which are 5 year old children). This years VBS concert is on Friday night. I'm not sure if I'm going or not. Maybe I'll just listen while hanging out in the parking lot (baby steps)!!

My wife and I are in the process of adopting a baby boy from Kazakhstan. We will be staying in Kazakhstan for 8 - 10 weeks to complete our adoption. We will be visiting the orphanage everyday during our stay so I'm sure there will be plenty of tears. We are hoping to have our baby home by Christmas. Then I'll have 2 or 3 years to get over this fear of Vacation Bible School!

Prayers are appreciated!

Brian



_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#174876 - 08/22/07 02:56 AM Re: Vacation Bible School [Re: Brian]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Brian-----------------you have all i can offer----------------------i am so glad for you and your wife----------------you both will make the best parents in the world--------------such a luckey boy--------------------------steve


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#175055 - 08/22/07 03:38 PM Re: Vacation Bible School [Re: sabata]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Steve,

Thank you! I appreciate your kind words!

Brian

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Recovery is Possible!

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#175131 - 08/22/07 10:41 PM Re: Vacation Bible School [Re: Brian]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
You've got it, Brian. I understand completely.

I wish you so much traveling mercy while you're abroad as well, and that child you return with will be the light of your life.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#175279 - 08/23/07 12:21 PM Re: Vacation Bible School [Re: WalkingSouth]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brian,

That's a wonderful thing you are doing for that little boy from Kazakhstan. I'm sure you will fill his life with joy and love, and when the time comes I bet you will be right there in the front enjoying hearing him sing. A child's love has incredible healing power.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#175645 - 08/24/07 10:03 PM Re: Vacation Bible School [Re: Brian]
Army Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 90
Loc: California
Brian,

May I suggust that the tears are cryed because you see what God sees. The innocense and love of children which is to be protected. He simply is reminding that what happened to you, he did not desire...

Praying for ya

Army

_________________________
07 Peebbles WOR Alummni

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#175652 - 08/24/07 11:30 PM Re: Vacation Bible School [Re: Army]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Originally Posted By: Army
May I suggust that the tears are cryed because you see what God sees.

Wow! I never thought of it that way, Army. What an awesome way to look at it. I know this isn't my thread, but thanks for saying that.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#175666 - 08/25/07 02:42 AM Re: Vacation Bible School [Re: WalkingSouth]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
I decided at the last minute to go to the concert tonight. I told my wife (who went early to get good seats) to sit on the right side of the church and save me a seat on the end so I could slip out the side door if I needed to. I also asked her to grab a few tissues "just in case".

I was feeling very emotional and vulnerable as I was driving to the church. I was also concerned that my wife's family would be watching me because of what happened last year. As I drove up to the church, an older man was crossing the street while walking his dog. I slowed down to give him a plenty of time to cross. As I passed him, he yelled at me in an angry voice "people first" as he waved his fist in the air!!! In an instant, all my feelings of fear and vulnerability were gone and it was replaced by the hardened, emotionless mask that I've used to protect myself for so many years.

As I made my way into the church and found my wife, she took my hand and asked me if I was going to be okay. I told her that there is nothing whatsoever to worry about, because I just had a conversation with an older gentleman that was kind enough to give me some perspective on things (sarcasm plays a large role in my efforts to protect myself). I told her the story.

This years Vacation Bible School had a "western rodeo" theme. My 5 year old niece was adorable! She was very excited to be able to wear her pink cowboy boots and pink cowboy hat. The kids sang a few songs and they showed a sideshow of the activities of the week. I was still not in a good space, in fact I was bored out of my mind! I just wanted it all to end already! \:\(

The young woman who was announcing the concert asked the audience for their patience as they set up for the last item of the program. I thought to myself, "Thank God that this thing is finally coming to an end"!

The last part of the program was done by a 3 or 4 of the older kids. There was a large curtain drawn across the alter; behind that, there was a spot light on the floor, pointing up and toward the audience. They then proceeded to act out the crusifiction of Jesus in (larger than life) silhouettes. I watched the first 30 seconds of this and then the tears came! I quickly looked at the floor (and thought about the old man with the dog) and did not look back up until the music stopped. I was able to stop myself before I made a scene. My wife is the only person who realized what was going on. Wow! - the small part of what I did see what VERY powerful!

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#175667 - 08/25/07 03:26 AM Re: Vacation Bible School [Re: Brian]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Larry and John, thank you for your kind words. Army, thats a very interesting observation! I would like to think that it was true.

My belief in God used to be a very important part of my life. Since joining MS over 6 years ago, I've done a pretty good job in avoiding the Spirituality Forum. I definitely have some "God issues" that I need to work on. I've read a few threads recently and found that I still have a lot of anger towards God, the Catholic Church and even with some of the messages that are posted in this forum.

I do want a relationship with God, but I'm still really pissed off! Maybe this is the first step?

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#175761 - 08/25/07 03:02 PM Re: Vacation Bible School [Re: Brian]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Brian,

The spiritual aspect of my life never began to grow till I was able to tell God how pissed off I was at him for what happened to me. I don't even know that I have the words to explain what I mean by that except to say that for the first time in my live I felt like he heard me and that it was OK to be angry.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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