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#176272 - 08/27/07 01:52 PM Because It Was My Brother??
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
I have such shame around the fact I was molested and abused primarily by my older brother and his friend. Everytime I am with my father or my sisters I feel so embarrassed - like they are only thinking about what we did "together".

He was 4 years older than I was and it happened over two years when I was 10 - 12 years old. I think it would be much easier for me and with less shame and guilt if it was a sister - but the fact it was my brother makes it so hard.

I just want to stay away from my family - I find it so hard to be with them. Plus I don't trust my father. I think he knew, but I am not sure. When I did tell him he said "Well, your brother weas molested when he was 12." What the hell did that have to do with me and my pain! I did not want an excuse or justification - actually I did not want anything.

From a family / friend point of view - what am I doing wrong here?



Edited by kellygtx (08/27/07 01:53 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#176282 - 08/27/07 02:26 PM Re: Because It Was My Brother?? [Re: kellygtx]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Kelly:

I just wanted to offer you some support. My husband faces a similar situation within his family dynamic. His older brother who was almost four years older abused him as well, in addition to abusing his younger brother.

I have no doubt in my mind that at least in my husband's case, that support would have been extended had the abuser been anyone other than a family member. It took my husband thirty years to disclose and it was to me because of the fear that his relation would not believe him. I believed him and he has always had my support 100%.

My husband was forced to disclose to his family since the abuser brother had a neice (a child) spend the night and end up in bed with him unattended. You know what? After thirty years all of my husband's fears that no one would believe him as a boy came true; his family did not believe him and discounted his story...it took the younger brother stepping forward to say that it did in fact happen for him to be taken seriously.

My point in bringing all of this up is that husband's sister had stated in an email that the abuser brother probably was abused himself. "Probably"...rationalizing his criminal behavior as if like you said "what the hell did that have anything to do with" my husband's pain, right?

I feel that their behavior present day is a sure indicator of the dynamics that enabled the abuse to happen in the first place. Support is absent just because the abuser was the older brother. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in facing this and I'm sure my husband as well as myself can certainly relate to how you are feeling.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#176284 - 08/27/07 02:35 PM Re: Because It Was My Brother?? [Re: sweet-n-sour]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
S-n-S,

Thank you - it is nice to know another has had the same experience - and to get another prospective from a family / frined of a survivor.

My oldest brother committed suicide when I was 12 and the brother that molested me died of AIDS in 1992. I never disclosed until recently (last 6 months) and I get the feeling my father is saying "Well, he's dead...what else is there to say?" My sisters have both said they thought something was going on, but just thought it was my nuerological problems.

His death certainly has complicated things - there is no one left to confront.



Edited by kellygtx (08/27/07 03:14 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#176288 - 08/27/07 03:19 PM Re: Because It Was My Brother?? [Re: kellygtx]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Kelly,
My older brother (16 1/2) molested me when I was 13 (I had been left back and was in 7th grade like you). I do have to say, I understand it does complicate things. When I told my mother (3 years ago when I was 26), I had been abused, she was very shocked and saddened and she pretty much said she had to know who. I didn't want to tell, and we went back and forth, and I finally told her who it was (actually I wrote it down, I couldn't say it), the first thing out of her mouth was something like "Don't you know experimenting is normal?" She was about ready to kill someone before she knew it was my brother.

Strange thing is I have trouble getting angry at him, I do see him frequently and that may make it harder. Then again I also don't remember much of the abuse, just enough to be ptetty sure he did.

As for him being abused as a kid, I'm of the theory that a majority of abusers were abused as children (I'm not saying that all victims will become abusers though), otherwise I don't know what would even give you the idea to do so. It still doesn't make it right though.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#176294 - 08/27/07 04:03 PM Re: Because It Was My Brother?? [Re: onlyakid]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Jason,

Actually, I was held back in the 3rd grade because I could not write. But that makes no difference. I do appreciate what you are saying - maybe the rest of the family sees him less as a perpatrator and as a sick person because he is "one of our own". I don't know what the situation would be if he was alive. But I do think they would feel differently if he was not "our own" and say it was a non family member that was the perpatrator.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#176312 - 08/27/07 04:50 PM Re: Because It Was My Brother?? [Re: kellygtx]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Kelly,

You mentioned your perp (brother) has passed away. Then you say "there is no one left to confront". That is sort of true, but can I suggest, write a letter to your brother. Let everything flow out, anger, hate, good, bad and yes even love. Just let it flow, then maybe you can release some of the pent up feelings.

Then consider showing the letter to your sisters. It will show them the turmoil you are going through. We all need to build a support network, and your sisters can be a big part of that. They may even help you rebuild your relationship with your father.

Give it some thought, and be sure to set aside enough time while your writing the letter, to deal with all the feelings that are bound to come to the surface. I promise, feelings will come boiling out after you start, but I have found that once you let them free, you will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Just a few thoughts, hope they help.

Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#176313 - 08/27/07 04:57 PM Re: Because It Was My Brother?? [Re: Scoutvictim]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Carl -

Thanks! I appreciate the advice. I wrote an anger letter to him but did not show anyone but my wife. I think maybe I will share it with my sisters.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#176318 - 08/27/07 05:30 PM Re: Because It Was My Brother?? [Re: kellygtx]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Kelly,

Was the it just a hate letter?

Sometimes they can do a little more harm, try and include all your feelings in the letter. This will allow your sisters to understand everything. I know all the feelings can be overwhelming, but think about including the good, bad and the ugly, before you show it to your sisters.

I know you may not think you have any good feelings for your brother, but your sisters probably do. So they may relate better to this disclosure, if you're not just showing hate towards him.

I do hate my perp., but I also know that he had a wife who thought the world of him. If I just hit her with the hate, then she is going to blow me off as an angery young man. I guess what I'm saying is, those who do not see your brother as a bad person, may not take the news the way you would expect. It's good to let out the anger, but also remember these people (your sisters) may not hate him like you do.

Hope this helps.

Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#176350 - 08/27/07 07:24 PM Re: Because It Was My Brother?? [Re: Scoutvictim]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kelly,

I so feel for your situation and the problems you face,; I was not abused within the family, but I think there's something deeply excruciating about the betrayal this must represent to a boy who has suffered in this way.

I see two things going on in your first post on this thread. The first is a deep sense of shame that you were abused by another male, and your brother even. I know this is easier said than done, but please do try to work on accepting the idea that abuse is always the fault of the abuser, never the victim. You were not to blame. At the age of 10 (that's when abuse began for me as well) what does a boy know about sex, or about betrayal for that matter? You may have known that what you were doing was "naughty" in some way or another, but kids are always up to naughty shit of some kind or another. Abuse is beyond that: you could not have understood what it meant or consented to it in any meaningful way. You were betrayed by your brother and it's not only the blame that belongs entirely to him - the shame is his as well. If he was abused when he was younger, that doesn't mean that you are in anyway responsible for what he did to you.

The other problem is the attitude of your family. I don't say this to make excuses in any way, but when abuse occurs in a family it often happens that parents see the disaster as something affecting the whole family equally; they want the family to hang together and to keep the news away from others outside the family. I guess it's easy to see why they think that way, but in doing so they are overlooking the HUGE fact that YOU are the one who has been hurt; the priority needs to be your feelings and needs, not the family's need to keep up appearances. This fact needs to be stressed to them.

On your brother, what can you do now that he's deceased? I see you've written a letter, and that's often a good way to let out anger and resolve the situation. Have you seen Ken Singer's article here on the site about writing letters to abusers? Here's the link: http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html It's full of good ideas and you might want to take a look.

The man who abused me had also died by the time I faced up to my recovery issues, and I wrote a letter to him and scattered the ashes at his grave early last year. It was a powerful experience and helped me a lot. If you would like to see it, PM me and I'll dig it out of the archive and send you a copy.

This is all rough stuff to face, Kelly, but like I said, try to remember that neither the blame nor the shame are yours, regardless of how you may feel about that right now.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#176508 - 08/28/07 09:30 AM Re: Because It Was My Brother?? [Re: roadrunner]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Larry,

Thank you for you insight and for sharing. I am working on the guilt and shame that I have. It can be so - almost locking you into a dark cellar - trying to find a way out in the total darkness without even knowing the layout of the room seems an almost impossible task.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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