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#176160 - 08/26/07 10:58 PM COME INTO MY WORLD
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
WERE SHADOWS MEET
WERE DARKNESS REIGNS
WERE THUNDER IS SILENT
WERE BLACK LIGHT RIPS THE DARK
WERE ALL IS FORGOTTON
WERE ALL IS KNOWN
YOUR TRUTH IS LAID BARE
YOU HIDE YOUR SECRETS IN THE DARK
FOLDING THE BLANKET OF INNER DARK LIGHT
SMOTHERING THE BETRAYELS
I AM HERE
I AM WATCHING YOU SCURRY ACROSS
LANDS OF DARK AND MIST
I TRAVEL THE LIMBO YOU CALL LIFE
I TRAWL THE EDGES OF THE WORLD
NEVER SEEN ALWAYS HERE
WALKING WITH YOU
BUT APART FROM YOU
SEEKING FOR EVER SEEKING
FOLLOWING MY LITTLE LIGHT
WATCHING THE PATH YOU TAKE
WARDS OF FIRE CONSUMING
THE BETRAYELS
BLACK CLOAK OF PAIN
SHEILD OF THE SILENT
SCREAMING WORDS OF SILENCE
ARMS RAISED IN SALUTE
OF THE LIGHT YOU BURN
YOUR EYES ARE FOCUSED
BUT CANNOT SEE ME
I AM THE SHADOW ACROSS THE SUN
I AM THE SCREAM IN THE NIGHT
I AM THE SILENT NOISE

I AM CLERIC


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#176191 - 08/27/07 01:11 AM Re: COME INTO MY WORLD [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Backspin,

There's a lot of pain in that poem. I hope your time on the site is helping you to come to terms with it. I've said this previously, but I see again the motif of "the dark". That's a rough one for young boys anyway, and for abused boys in particular.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#176195 - 08/27/07 01:50 AM Re: COME INTO MY WORLD [Re: roadrunner]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
I feel like the bad penny yet again.

I had a bit of a moment in chat, oh god again. Thanks to Healingpartner she talked to me and i was able to sort out what was here and what was then, averted another big blowout, this might sound strange but i felt him coming.
Metalic taste in my mouth, hands shakeing, sweating, headaches, blurred vision. This always happens just before he comes. It might sound melodramatic but i have seen him in action, im just a passenger with him at the controls.
I was not in the main chat but in chat with hp, so no big disaster in chat. Thankgod.

I dropped out of chat and let him write this poem, then anger gone shoved him back in the box. Makes sense, not to weird.

Backspin


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#176208 - 08/27/07 06:08 AM Re: COME INTO MY WORLD [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Backspin,

To me this sounds an awful lot like dissociation. Considering what you went through as a boy it wouldn't surprise me at all to find out that you do this. When you get your appointment for your assessment you should mention this; it will be another factor in favor of getting you into therapy more quickly.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#176220 - 08/27/07 07:32 AM Re: COME INTO MY WORLD [Re: roadrunner]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Larry

The name cleric popped into my head the first time he came, he takes over as i said im just a passenger. I dont always remember the events.
He does not go on a rampage but its more controled violence, only against what he thinks is a danger. He does not come for me but to help the little me.

For many years i thought i was mad, you hear about split personalities and see them locked up.
I kept quiet, i did not want to be labled different, i knew i was different to others.
As ive already said my wife is an ex mental nurse and she has years of working in all types of these fields. She has said that im her little 15.
This is because she has noted the different me's. She showed me a list of the changes, most are similar but i seem to think and act different in each of them.

Then theres cleric.
She has said that she has only seen him once, when some yobs had a go at her outside a shop, i came out and 'blank'.

My wifes observations

My voice dropped through the floor, becoming deep and cold
I stood up straight and seemed to fill out more
My face went slack and then hard
My eyes got darker and more closed
she said she could feel the anger and hate coming off me like a wall.
I grabbed one of them and threw him across across the floor like he was nothing
I then went for the others and 'thank god' they ran

She said that i went up to her and looked at her, then i was back. It shook her up, but she said she still felt safe with me, as if i would not hurt her. He has come out a few times in my life, mainly in the army.

I always thought that i was not normal and others would lock me up if they new.

What a mess

Backspin




Edited by SEVEN ARROWS (08/27/07 07:43 AM)

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#176502 - 08/28/07 08:48 AM Re: COME INTO MY WORLD [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Backspin,

This sounds to me like an example of DID, or "Dissociative Identity Disorder", which takes dissociation, a common survival technique for an abused child, to a more developed level. Has anyone ever discussed this with you?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#176547 - 08/28/07 01:24 PM Re: COME INTO MY WORLD [Re: roadrunner]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Larry

As i said to rob in chat only this morning, my wife who is an ex mental health nurse, and she has over twenty years in this line of work.
She noted that there seems to be at least 15 different versions in me. Not all are completley different, some are slight variations on my emotions. Its as if my emotions have become seperated and then slintered into more seperate units. I never feel more than one emotion at a time, one stops dead and then the nexted starts. Sometimes im switching between them at random and dont even notive.
One person in chat was talking to me, and brought up a box to tell me that they thought i was in trouble, as i was going up and down emotionaly. My typeing was changing, slow then fast i was jumping from subject to subject. I managed to cyt the flow off.
I spent time in hospital, and a prison hospital, they heavly medicated me, because the shrink noted at least 9 differnt mes and a possible 3 further variations of me.
Once i left i was put on meds, but after about a week never went back to the doc. No follow up its as if they were glad to get rid of me.

Please to all the people on here, im not dangerous to you, and i hope im not mad. I hope you dont scare off.

Thanks

Backspin


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#176558 - 08/28/07 02:20 PM Re: COME INTO MY WORLD [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Backspin,

Thanks for letting us know; that takes some trust and some guts, man. There are guys here who have similar problems, though, and I don't think you need to worry about people being afraid of you. We are all here for the same reason and know how important it is to support one another.

And no, of course you're not mad. There's a phrase I like in such situations: You're not fucked up; it's what was done to you that's fucked up.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#176571 - 08/28/07 03:04 PM Re: COME INTO MY WORLD [Re: roadrunner]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
You can't scare me off!!! And you are not mad. Your reactions are normal for the trauma you have suffered...and you are not alone here.

Larry said it best...You're not fucked up; it's what was done to you that's fucked up.

Lorie


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#177174 - 08/30/07 12:10 PM Re: COME INTO MY WORLD [Re: healingpartner]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
One minute i want to be involved, the nexted i sit here watching you all talk about your day.
I want to get involved, but i think you dont kneed this, you are talking about day to day things. These are so alien to me.
I eat when my body says i need to, i work to pay bills, i wander through life not touching life just veiwing.
When you talk about your day. its like im reading a book about your life, i do the same things but no connection.
These are just actions to me.
To start to heal i must let you in and let me out, this hurts. Not through words or actions, but letting myself feel and open up.
I want to change, here i have seen this is possible, i never thought it was.
I just wish the parts of me could come together. Join and hold out the hand of help.

Backspin


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