I wonder if there is something my brother remembers about my father that I don't. My father past away 5 years ago this January 17, 2008 and he only has a temporary grave marker provided by the funeral home. My brother is the executor of my fathers estate (which still hasn't been settled). My brother is really busy, I understand that, he works long hours at his job, but its been 5 years. The Fire Department where my father was a volunteer fireman has offered to put up a marker until we can deciede and put one up but my brother won't sign the papers, to allow them to do it.

In my mind, there are a few possibilities

1. My brother remembers something that happened to both of us, that I don't.

2. My brother was molested by my father and thats what gave him any idea to molest me.

3. My brother has taken money from the estate account and now can't pay it back.

4. My brother can't come to terms with my fathers death

Anyone have any other ideas?
Jason

Jason,

My own take on this, though very impressionistic, would be that a funeral and grave marker are a pretty final statement of how the surviving members of the family feel. I know that when the wife of the man who abused me died, their son, my friend, refused to go to the funeral. Then when his perp father died he again refused to participate in the funeral arrangements or attend any services.

Jason, I just don't know, but my inclination is to think that nos. 1 or 2 hit the truth of the matter pretty well. To refuse so set up a grave marker is to say to the deceased, "I don't want anyone to remember you or honor your memory".

Much love,
Larry

Jason,

I'm gonna agree with Larry on this that it is either options 1 or 2. If it were options 3 or 4 he could simply choose the easy way out and allow the Fire Dept. to put up the marker. Problem solved. Outa sight, outa mind. But he's not choosing to do that which leads us back to the other options.

Whatever the case, I'm sorry, Bro.

Lots of love,

John

Unfortunately, I have to think it was #2, because where would he even get the notion of abusing me unless he was abused himself. Now I know it had to start somewhere, there have to be perps that weren't perped themselves. To be clear I'm not saying that all victims will become abusers but I think that most abusers are victims.

This would also explain why I was the one that ended up having to take care of him on weekends when was sick (he had a live-in during the week). What it wouldn't explain is why my brother decided to go live with him when he was a Junior in Highschool after he had lots of problems with my mother.

In any event, I wouldn't want him to talk about it unless he wanted to but I do want my fathers estate to be settled. I am entitled to some more money and I would like to have it just so I have a safety net as I try to move out on my own and get a career job, etc. I would be willing settle the estate now and agree to put the marker up when we can deciede on it.

Maybe that will work, then if its about the grave marker, then he will have an out and finally settle the estate. If its 3 or 4 he'll continue to stall me.

Jason