I just recently came across this site. As for introductions, I'm 21, and only a year or so ago found out about what happened to me when I was younger. I could never remember my past until some of it hit me, and part of me wishes I still don't remember as I'm sure most people do to some extent or another. Most of my memories are still unaccessible, but the ones I do have are of my father doing various things to me. As I said about my sketchy memory, I am unable to say many of the things that did occur, but the ones I do have mostly whole memories of were essentially 'everything' short of being fully sodomized. This started around age 2 and the memories go until about age 8. If they were intermittent events or a long stream of them, I am unsure. However if they were isolated events, it would not explain the blocked memories.

At any rate, my family hasn't really accepted it which does seems to be quite normal. My sister alluding to my lying about the whole situation, my mother (who has separated from my father for various reasons) unsure what to do about it, and my father does the stereotypical denial.

I also have rather severe Fibromyalgia, as such, I am partial crippled and unable to work. This has led my family to believe I am simply lazy, and my refusal to see my father just an unwillingness to get over it. Luckily I have another family who actually understands and, until recently, I was living with. Currently I'm living with my mother and sister, but should be back with the other family in a few weeks to a month.

Now here is my question, is there any way to show someone that you are actually dealing with the memories of abuse and how they effect you, especially my younger sister?

Chris,

Welcome to Male Survivor and I'm so glad you found us. There are a lot of guys here who will be able to address the problems you are having from their own experience.

I don't mean to suggest that all your answers will come from books, but one that might help you a lot is How Long Does it Hurt?, by Cynthia Mathers. There are other better books for older survivors, but this one deals with issues that younger guys encounter and that aren't dealt with in the other books. For instance, she talks a lot about how a young person can deal with a family that doesn't want to accept that abuse has occurred within the family circle.

Much love,
Larry

Chris,
I don't have complete memories of my abuse either, I have a sense of what happened and few actual fragmented memories. Your family reaction is one of denial, they don't want to deal with the fact that their husband/father is a child molester, so they just want everything to go away as fast as possible.

Your sister has decieded to go the it didn't happen route. If your lying her father is not an sex offender. Your mom has chosen the "Get over it" approach because then she doesn't have to feel guilty that the man she chose to marry, has done something horrible to her son.

Jason

Chris,

I wish to welcome you to this site, but I hate the fact that you need it. You will find many guys here share your feelings, and we all try to support each other, without judging you.

I understand what your saying about the gaps in your memory. It has taken almost 30 years for me to remember everything.

You have said a lot in this post, so I'm not sure where to start. I'll go with the question at the end. My father and two older brothers know about my abuse, and they think I should just "get over it!"

I hate that, but it's their way of dealing with things. So what I have done is form another support network. I have found the best way to work with these friends is to be completly honest. If you tell your little sister, don't pull any punches, tell the truth, and ask her for her opinion. I find it hard to talk without getting emotional, but the tears do help. The person I'm talking to will see how deeply this has effected me, and will understand.

Just share, you never know how someone will react until you talk to them.

Welcome and I hope you will sit down and stay a while.

Carl

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who has responded, it means a lot, and I definitely need it today. One fact I forgot to mention is that my sister is 18, so she is already in a somewhat confusing state of development.

I may just try that scout, hopefully it will do some good. Thanks for the book selection roadrunner. Currently I'm locked up in a house in the middle of nowhere (I do not have a vehicle and the closest location of even the most insignificant interest is a good 15 minute drive, and that is to a small town in Oklahoma, so finding the book will be next to impossible, and due to no funds, I won't be able to order it. However, I had mentioned the family that helped me, I know when I get there, in North Carolina, I will find it there. In fact I talked with them today and they said they are going to try and pay for my plane ticket sometime next month to get me to an area where I actually have support. They have become my adopted family so to speak, so I am incredibly lucky to have them.

As for giving back to this community that has already proved its great worth, I shall do my best to put forth information, as well as that I can offer aid in meditative healing work should anyone need it (it is not grounded in any religion, simply a form of mind-body and reorganization of mental processes).

I'm sorry if I seem to put forth a lot of information (useful and useless alike) and hope I do not seem to ramble.

Chris,

You're not rambling at all. Make yourself and your needs your first priority here and we'll try to respond as best we can.

Much love,
Larry

I do have one other question. Have any of you ever had a problem with being around other males, especially those of the same age as the person who hurt you? If so, how have you been able to either cope or get through this issue. While I have gotten through most of this, I still have times of great uneasiness and would like to know if anyone has any ideas on solving or dealing with this issue better.

welcome, you are among friends. I am in my mid 50s and I still can't recall the actual abuse. And at this point in my life, I really don't want to, don't think it will change anything.

I can't really add much to the great comments of the others here, just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and we are here to listen...jake

Chris, glad to have you here.

I remember meeting a very important man, the owner of the company I was working at during my teens. His son was my friend, we played high school football together. His dad was still the boss in my head and when I met him for the first time I could not answer him, I froze and began trembling. My abuse - a friend from my flag football teams father molested me. That kind of explains it all in my opinion, "talking to myself now" I have never put this together until just now. Thanks for helping me by posting about your troubles.

To answer your question, therapy and God and a lot of both of them have helped me to the point that I am very comfortable around anyone these days.

Great to have you here,

Chris,

Glad to meet you and thankyou for sharing what you have. It is not easy, especially also not knowing what responses you may get.

I have a few “me too” responses to add to your life so far. I was also 21 when out of the blue one day came the realisation and partial memories that I was sexually abused by my older brother. I remember feeling like I’d just been hit by a truck.

I also have only partial memories of actual events, and like you the abuse went on for many years. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to grasp details? Try and remember what you ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the last 21 days straight. Every meal! You probably can’t. Who could? There may be a few standout meals like a favourite dessert or something but in general it all gets blurred together.

I think that’s what happens in prolonged abuse also, not to say that even abuse of one time only is any easier to remember.

If you’re like me, details will come bit by bit when you are ready or when you’ve worked through some stuff.

In addition, I also get fearful and uncomfortable in being around other males but for me it’s not just those of a certain age. It’s all males! The good thing however is that I now know why and by the sounds of it you do too otherwise you wouldn’t be raising the issue I think. On that one, awareness is a big forward step Chris.

There are many things you have already grasped I believe and I have confidence the understanding and recovery will continue. Being here and sharing and trusting us with what you have already is a part of that.

Welcome.

P.S. when you get some funds you could perhaps buy the book that Larry (Roadrunner) suggested - via Amazon. They’ll deliver via post to your door. No need to try and get out and about to find it.