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#175415 - 08/23/07 09:42 PM New to this site...any advice appreciated
worriedwife Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 5
Hi, First thank you all for being here to listen to me. I am a wife of ten years to a great guy who was molested by his male babysitter at the age of 10. He has always been very hesitant to talk about it, besides saying that he hates him and feels like he could kill him. (I know that he wouldn't, because he is a gentle soul and never has laid a finger on anyone) I found out about what happened when I was reading the obituaries and saw that this guy (that seems too nice) had died and when I mentioned it to him, he said good, I hope he burns in hell. I was shocked and then he told me a tiny bit about what had happened. Over the last year, he will go out and get completely drunk (he IS NOT a drinker) and will come home and cry and tell me how much he hates this guy for what he did to him and wonders how much different his life would be had it not happened.(It has been twice this year) I know that in his teen years, he turned to drugs as an escape, but now that he does not have an escape. He questions whether or not people like him, and if he says and does stupid things. He is a gorgeous man (truly) and should have all of the confidence in the world, but he is constantly undermining himself. He told me that sometimes he is just "not there" and it is easier that way. I guess that I just really really need some help or advice. I love him so much and I HATE to see him hurting, but I have no idea how to be supportive or what steps to take to get him the help or support that he needs. I know that if he could heal from this horrifying experience, he would be in such a better place. I appreciate any and all advice. Thanks for listening!!:)


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#175441 - 08/23/07 10:41 PM Re: New to this site...any advice appreciated [Re: worriedwife]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
... hello worriedwife ... and welcome ... i'm glad you found this place as there a lot of folks here who understand what you and your husband are going through ... you're not alone ...

... therapy is very often very helpful for those who were abused ... there is a listing of therapists on the website here and one may be in your area ... or you may be able to find one on your own ... ideally one who has experience in male childhood sexual abuse ... there are books that can be helpful ... like mike lew's "victims no longer" and many others ...

... your husband may also find it helpful to come here and read some of the posts and realize he's not alone either ...

selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#175444 - 08/23/07 10:49 PM Re: New to this site...any advice appreciated [Re: selene]
worriedwife Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 5
Thank YOu so much for your quick, kind response. I think that my husband is really afraid to delve too deeply into the subject and to have to talk and think about it...I assume that is normal? I feel like he has it all tucked away and when it rears it's ugly head, he drinks, or puts himself down or just feels blah, so that he doesn't have to deal with it. I think he may be afraid that actually coming to terms and really facing it might make him feel worse than he already does. \:\(


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#175472 - 08/24/07 12:02 AM Re: New to this site...any advice appreciated [Re: worriedwife]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Welcome WW.

Your husband's hesitance is absolutely normal. His numbing out in order to avoid dealing with the issues it's bringing up in his life is also very normal.

Unfortunately, when a survivor decides to face it, it does have a tendency to get worse before it gets better. My take on the reason why is that we never were able to grieve about when it the abuse was going on. For instance a child when he falls and hurts his knee will cry for a little while, get comfort from his parent, grandmother, or other caring adult, but when we were wounded by the abuse we were shut down by threats of violence or other cautionary manipulating by the abusers. We were never allowed to cry. Now all these years later the pain needs to come out and it hurts like hell when it does.

The good news is that the sun comes out after the rain and boy does it feel good. Liberating, joyful, wonderful.

I wish I could have a quiet talk with him. Assure him that even tho it's so very frightening to face it, that he'd feel so much better after.

I'm sending good thoughts your way hoping the best for both of you.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#175529 - 08/24/07 08:12 AM Re: New to this site...any advice appreciated [Re: WalkingSouth]
worriedwife Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 5
Thanks so much John. I told him that I joined this forum and his response was "Oh". Is it normal for him to back away now that he has let a little bit out? I don't want to force him to face something that he is not ready to, but on the other hand, I can't stand to know that it is eating him up and the only way he feels comfortable crying about it and letting it all out is to be so drunk he doesn't know what he is saying.:( Is it pretty common for abused individuals to turn to alcohol/drugs to numb themselves?


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#175651 - 08/24/07 11:23 PM Re: New to this site...any advice appreciated [Re: worriedwife]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Worried,
This can be such an overwhelming moment. Their have been low level hostitlities between my husband and I of late. Finally something sets off a "discussion" which seems to turn into a kind of therapy session. These are the moments he seems to feel vulnerable enough to really open up about it all. It is like there is this whole other person I never knew in there. All I want to do is make his pain go away. The next day, the wall has all ready been rebuilt. It is a difficult time. So, yes, this is very normal for them to back off now. You have to remember that for years, he did whatever he needed to to forget it and bury it and uncovering it is hard and painful.

I think it also confusing for my husband as he talks a little more about it. It seems to be confusing to him. And he still wants to handle this on his own. I think he is beginning to see that the burden of this all these years is so heavy.

My husband has chosen to take his anger out on any one else, rather than his abuser. I find it ironic that he feels compassion for him yet none for himself. We may be holding a family meeting where he will disclose to his parents. This will be the hardest thing of all.

I tried to create links to a couple articles I found very helpful but couldn't get them to work, so you'll just have to cut and paste them if you'd like to check them out. Hope you find them helpful. Keep posting. I've only been here for a week, but it's been very helpful.

Common Coping Mechanisms of survivors of childhood sexual abuse
http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/copingmechanisms.html

From a Canadian site, especially stages of recovery
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/familyviolence/html/nfntsxagrsexadult_e.html

Violet

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#175703 - 08/25/07 11:15 AM Re: New to this site...any advice appreciated [Re: violet]
worriedwife Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 5
Thanks, Violet. It is really hard, after his little sessions of letting it out, he is very happy and great (or at least thats what it seems like) He must feel some sense of relief in letting go of all of that bottled up anger/sadness. My husband sounds opposite of yours, in the fact that he HATES this guy that did this to him. (Even though he passed away) Thanks for your response, Violet. I hope that things are OK with you \:\)


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