OK now I'm down to five days; haven't done today's yet, & it won't be easy to do either.

Along with the physical pain I'm having a lot of psychic pain right now. Also feeling very dissociated & disconnected from everything, from reality, like I'm walking around in a trance in a world I'm not supposed to be in, kind of a twilight zone or something. No doubt I'm still in shock, if not in a technical medical sense.

Yet in this sense of unreality, I'm coming to some
clearer if shocking realizations.

Thru therapy I've known for awhile that in some way the auto accidents I've had thru the years tie
into & bring back aspects of my CSA trauma. My recent reading of the book "The Body Bears the Burden: Trauma, Dissociation and Disease" by Dr. Robert C. Scaer helped clarify this. Now the experience of this latest auto accident in light of what I now know really clears some things up.

As I have said, I've recently realized how badly I was traumatized as a small infant by SIS (Shaken
Infant Syndrome) in which my head was shaken back & forth & my back snapped to & fro, resulting in the chronic pain I have especially in those areas.

In the last few days I've learned thru flashbacks just how bad this trauma was. Not only was I shaken, but also *nally & *rally abused as I was being held up & shaken. I already knew my father (& mother) had incested me, but not like that.

Evidently the shock & the pain from this latest accident, centered in the abused & shaken areas of the lower back (and front), shoulders, neck & base of the skull brought back memories of the similar jarring, shaking & pain of being shaken & abused as an infant like never before.

So now this exercise of writing "I forgive my father for everything" 70 times for 7 days has become all the more painful.

It's almost as tho my brain is sending my hands a message not to do it, resisting it reflexively out of revulsion. Damn it even hurt when I typed it just now!

However I think that's Little Vic speaking in anger. Adult Victor is angry too, but I also know that this is something I have to do for me. I am finding it cathartic, finding that it is drawing a
lot of hurtful poison out of my shaken system.

Of course that hurts. But I'm all too well aware of the greater pain of leaving the poison in my system to eat the life out of me.

So I will write on right on...

Not for my father or any of my other perps who could care less even if they are alive or should I say existing.

For me.

For me, I write on right on...

Victor

Another day of this exercise. My hand could hardly
write it, and it's not just becuz my body is even more sore today from the accident.

But I will do this. He will not abuse me or have power over me anymore.

I will forgive him. Whether he knows or not I care not.

This is about me, about taking care of Little Vic,
about growing up strong & healthy.

Victor

Victor

The victory will be all yours. Forgiveness is not for him but for you. And that is the crux of it. You are doing it for yourself in a purely selfish way and that is the right thing to do. And you and GOD know that and it does not matter that anyone else knows.

And so the process of travel continues for another wolf.

And you who are strong shall lead the PACK

AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Mike thank you and you are so right.

I did the exercise again today (two more days to go) and it was actually a bit easier physically & emotionally.

This wolf is on the move.

Thanks for the howl of encouragement to keep me on track with the pack.

AAAAHHHHWWWWWWWHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Victor

Update:

Today I finished my 70 x 7 exercise with my father

Do I feel like I've completely forever forgiven him & can just move on?

No, but I didn't expect to. The point is I'm making some good progress in that direction.

Most of all I feel better about myself.

After all this is about me not him.

Now I plan to do this same exercise with another Father...

Then my mother...

Then who knows...

Maybe myself...

Victor

Big Bro Wolf
Victor the only thing you have to forgive yourself for is for not being gentle and kind to yourself and realizing that it was not your fault. Other than that you have nothing to forgive.

Heed thine own advice leader of the PACK

AAAWWWWWWWWHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWUF

Thank you brother Mike.

But shouldn't I do the exercise to help me forgive
myself for not forgiving myself?

OOOHHHWWWHHHHUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!?!?

Victor