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#17531 - 12/21/01 06:32 PM Ups and Downs
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Hey guys,

The last time I decided to write a brand new post, with an update of the last 2 months, I had technical difficulties, and lost an hour's worth of writing with 2 keystrokes.

It was tremendously frustrating. It was also right before I went to me first counseling appointment in a long time. Writing helped to put my thoughts in order, even if I didn't get to post it. So that was encouraging.

But it's about 2 weeks later, and I find the same insecurities and doubts creeping in again. I don't see my therapist again until Jan 3.



In case you haven't read in the "Music for Survivors" section, I've been listening to some harder core music, and that has been cathartic for me. I generally will listen to calming music, which only seems to push down the unpleasant feelings, rather than FEELING them, and releasing them.

Of course, what I find is that as I uncover some of those feelings, I uncover more of them. I want to get into the habit of focusing these feelings into a constructive way. My usual habit is to find something to distract me, like browsing the web for hours without really accomplishing anything.

The trouble is that the less I accomplish, the less I feel about myself. Add to that, I've been incredibly forgetful. And my SO has been trying really hard not to get hurt feelings because I "don't listen." We had a talk about it last night, so at least we're both on alert for problem areas.

My doubts continue to eat at me, though, because I still feel like there is a rift between us. I want to talk to her again, when she gets home from work (today is my day off).

It's one of those downward spiral things: I feel lousy because I'm not performing as well as I think I should. So I don't perform as well as I think I should. So I feel less able to deal, so I don't perform as well.... you get the idea.

I doubt things are truly as bad as I feel like they are, but it is a difficult feeling to shake.

I need to prepare for some human contact for the next couple weeks. My roommate takes off to see family for a week on Dec 24. I'm taking one of my best friends to the airport on Dec 28. Both come back after the New Year. Another of my best friends moved to Hawaii a couple weeks ago (he's the social center of our network of friends).

Bright spots: Lord of the Rings just came out in theaters. This is a movie I want to see repeatedly. I'll drag every one of my friends to see it again and again, and again.
The themes in it are incredibly empowering. And I HAVE a bunch of friends I can take the time to see. Just because they are spread out, doesn't mean I can't see them.

I have plenty of "projects" to keep me busy around the apartment. Of course, the flip side of that, is that if I don't get them done, I'll feel bad about it.



Anyway, I'm trying to keep my chin up.

The fact that I've been able to respond to posts in here, and be sympathetic and encouraging is a positive in itself. 2 weeks ago, I couldn't handle anyone else's problems. Now I can take the time to respond. It's almost like I'm back to being myself. Almost.

Thanks for listening, guys. You are one of my rocks.

We're in this together.

Jeremy

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#17532 - 12/21/01 08:50 PM Re: Ups and Downs
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Jeremy,

Glad to see you posting again, i was getting kinda worried about you.

I always have a real tough time this time of year,, my brain does the same thing you were describing, those self fulfilling insecurities that seem to show up and start sending things down the tube,, no fun at all, and yet i sit and watch it happen feeling powerless to do anything about it.

I have been in a funk for a bit now, feels like i am starting to work my way out of it some, hope so anyways.

Glad you got your eyes open and are trying to take some steps so you can stay on top of things.

Hugs to ya,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#17533 - 12/28/01 10:38 AM Re: Ups and Downs
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I am home for 2 weeks with not much to do, but get on my computer. today I am supposed to go to counseling 2 1/2 hrs away, but the roads are too bad. That means a month till a see him again. Not too happy about that.
I see him everu 2 weeks because of the drive
I have been on the chat a lot, I hope that is ok. I am not sure how it is to talk about this stuff so much. Maybe I need some-times.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#17534 - 12/28/01 03:20 PM Re: Ups and Downs
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1196
Loc: Northern Ohio
J, A couple things u said are right on target for me.

"The trouble is that the less I accomplish, the less I feel about myself. Add to that, I've been incredibly forgetful."
&
"It's one of those downward spiral things: I feel lousy because I'm not performing as well as I think I should. So I don't perform as well as I think I should. So I feel less able to deal, so I don't perform as well.... you get the idea."
"I doubt things are truly as bad as I feel like they are, but it is a difficult feeling to shake."

Its like u wrote eactly how I feel. I have not been able to post about those feelings. I feel bad about it. Guilty. Ashamed of myself for not doing what I know I can do , But still dont. Im, still mad at myself for still being affected by my past. I cant seem to get over "IT", or the left-over feelings. The self-doubt & fear-of-failure are like a Re-accuring illness. One that cycles in & out of my life every couple weeks. The "lows" r extreamly low, the "highs" r just OK.
Thanks for sharing ur post & helping put things into words.

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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