This is the first time I have reached out on an internet site like this, although I have had years of therapy. I know that pain and sorrow are relative. But after reading many posts over the last couple of days, after reading the horrific stories, I find that my story pales in comparison. I even feel guilty writing about my experiences.

Like many here whose abuse started at a tender age, I was around 10 when mine occurred. I don't remember the specifics of the abuse, guess I blocked it out. I know that it was with an adult man in my neighborhood. And like many of us here, I don't remember thinking it was bad. I assume he was nice and gentle with me because I, at the time, don't rememebr it as a negitive experience. I was getting the "love" and attention I desparately needed at home from my same sex parent....sound familar?

One day, by older brother came and informed me that he knew what had happened and was going to tell my parents...I totally freaked out, actually had a major melt down. I cried and charged down the street, tried to run away. I was terrified what my father would say and do. We were never really close, he usually ignored me or was humiliatng me in some way (those frightening homework sessions). In some ways I think more damage occured to me by what my father did or did not do. He became more distant and made me feel I was soiled and not worthy of his attention and love.

I am lucky in many ways though. I married a wonderful women very early on in my life and we are still together. She has always supported me, tried to understand me and stayed with me during the thick and the thin...and believe me, there has been alot of thin. I haven't acted out in a very long time but, you know, I comprehend new aspects of it all everyday. I still struggle with it all sometimes and even more so since joining this group...I have had a few revelations during this short time among all of you. And I am grateful.

I also struggle with sexual preference as well. Although I have intellectually figured out how all this works, (to a degree)... emotionally, I am still in the dark. For many years I thought I was bisexual but now...I am not so sure.

Thanks for your collective support and wisdom...jake

Jake,

Can I relate? Let me count the ways! I am married too, acted out, am getting better, but damage has been done. She loves me and I love her. The whole idea os sexual preference scares the hell out of me.

As for my abuse, you can read my story here in the Survivors Story forum. But I will say no one has the same story, and all are awful or we would not be here - so don't feel you don't deserve to be here. Like a train wreck, it only takes once.

thanks for the reply...there is so much to grasp here but honestly, I feel right at home...I can relate to so much here...not the specific abuse but all the life altering fallout...thanks...jake

Hi Jake,

Thanks for posting and welcome to the site. I too, can relate about certain aspects of your abuse and the succeeding struggles that it left you with. It is a good thing that your here as there is a lot of support and information to learn and to process. Hopefully, the end result will be your awareness growing and the clarity of what you want will be made more obvious to you.

I wish you well,

Ron

Jake,

I'm glad you found us and welcome to the site. But don't worry about how your story compares to others. What's important about it is that it's yours, so do feel free to talk about whatever you feel you need to discuss. You'll find a lot of support and understanding here.

Much love,
Larry

Dear Jake,
Please know you aren't even close to being alone in your struggle. Yes, there are different details to our stories, but also there are so many similarities. I'm right there in the boat with you, as many, many others are. Honestly, everything in your post strikes a chord with me. I'm sorry you're in such a rough place.

You'll find meaningful support here that should help you on your difficult journey. Above all, know that time is on your side...despite the difficulties I'm having in my marriage (we're trying to figure out how to "celebrate" our 25th anniversary in two days), my wife and I know that we can take the necessary amount of time for me to get to the proper place in my healing. Hopefully you didn't wait as long as I have to start the journey. But, even if you did, you still have all the time you need to work on things.

Peace to you in navigating this difficult path.

REJ

again, thanks to all for the warm welcome.

Interestingly enough, I (we)have been working to repair the damage my acting out has caused, trying to find a balance, trying to find safe and appropriate outlets so that we can heal all the hurt I have produced, not just to my wife but to myself as well. WE have been on that jouney for quite sometimes. It has been only recently that I had an epiphany during a therapy session. I realized that most of the paths I have taken, most of the decisions I have made over the course of my life has been guilt based...that was a huge revelation. And I realized all of that guilt stemmed from not just the abuse I encountered but the shame by father thrust upon me at such a young and pivital age. And ever since then, I have been subconsciously perpetuating that guilt in the chooses I have made...a major step for me.

So in many ways, I am starting over again. The basis of my hard work in the past, about myself, how I preceived things have blown wide open. It is a bit scary and it has left me somewhat numb...

again, thanks to all of you...jake

Oh, the GUILT...it does present such an enormous barricade to progress, doesn't it? I think that word pops up in my journal far more than any other.

All the best,
REJ

Welcome to MS Jake

I hope this place will be of great help to you - lot's of great info and great friends to be made here

Two times in your last post you spoke in the plural, "we". Are you talking about you and your wife? Or is it the royal "we" as in "we are NOT amused..." I'm glad that you have your wife for support; it's more than a lot of us have. When you use the "we" I have to ask who you are referring to.

Just curious, trying to follow the conversation...

Laz