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#175264 - 08/23/07 11:25 AM new and recovering???
jakemed Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 37
I am very new to this site but already it has been a comfort and enlightening as well.

I know that pain and sorrow is relative but when I read the horrific stories here, I feel my experiences pale in comparion. Almost ashame to be here much less writing about my experiences.

When I was about 10, I was sexually abused by an unknown adult man. I don't really recall the specifics of the abuse, I have blocked that out, I guess. But the aftermath right after the disclosure to my parents, was extreme. I had a complete breakdown at that time mostly because of the fear I had of my father and how he would react. I had a distant father, like many of us have, but after the sexual abuse, he distantce himself even more. He never comforted me, defended me and made me feel soiled and more unloved. I always felt, in retrospect, that my fathers actions or should I say, lack of action damaged me even more than the abuse.

I too have had a lifetime of sexual confusion. I have been married to a woman most of my life, one who has supported me, tried to understand me and have stayed by my side through the thick and thin. I am so lucky in that regard but at the same time, for many, many years, I have thought I was at least bisexual. My wife and I have always has a great sex life, but I too have objectified the penis...whether it was mine or the penis'of other men. Years ago, I acted out alot but haven't in many years but the obsession has always been there...so, right now, I don't know what I am. After reading a great deal here in this site, I question myself even more. The therapists I have been to has suggested that I am not bisexual or gay at all but I could never quite understand how all that worked.

Any way, I wanted to get my foot in the door. Thank you all for your candor and the wisdom I have found so readily here...jake


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#175319 - 08/23/07 02:45 PM Re: new and recovering??? [Re: jakemed]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Hi Jake,

Welcome to Male Survivor! You will find this place is full of friendly and supportive people. I'm glad that you are here!

If you feel comfortable, you may also want to introduce yourself in the main Male Survivors Forum (not everyone comes to this forum).

Brian



Edited by Brian (08/23/07 02:47 PM)
_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#175381 - 08/23/07 08:36 PM Re: new and recovering??? [Re: Brian]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hello Jake,

Welcome. I'm so sorry for the evil things that fell your way. I'm sorry you have the need to come and post at a place like this, but I'm glad you found us. Come on in and make some friends. We have a bunch of great guys here and I know there are some that you will just "click" with.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#175389 - 08/23/07 08:58 PM Re: new and recovering??? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Hi Jake:
This is an excerpt from a book I've written for male survivors (still in editing format, not yet published) and I think it may answer the question you raised.
Ken

“What if I think about penises a lot? Does that mean I’m gay?” Not necessarily. The man described above associated sexual pleasure with his mother’s (and later his partners’) legs, shoes and feet. If a boy experiences powerful sexual feeling while sucking his abuser’s penis, or having his own penis licked, or touching or being touched on the penis, he may make a similar connection. In addition, as teenagers discovering masturbation, we reinforce the pleasurable feelings with the sight and feel of our own penises. So, with a “normal” (that is, non-abusive) sexual history, we will have a neutral to good association with penises. Our penis can make us feel good, powerful, and alleviate boredom.

But when the sexual feelings are forced, unwanted, confusing, even painful, the association with the penis can be contaminated. Some men hate their penis because it “betrayed” them by getting erect in an abusive situation. Because the male abuser, particularly when there are negative feelings towards him, involves his penis in the acts, some survivors may associate the penis with the hurt, betrayal, pain, humiliation, shame, and guilt from the abuse. Think of the confusion one might feel from having these negative emotions about the abuse or abuser, and trying to feel good about one’s sexuality and penis.

One important consideration for those who are sexual with other men is to look at why you desire to act out sexually with them. If the acts are reenactments of your abuse, it may be because the trauma is still unresolved and the sex is a way of returning to the trauma, perhaps hoping on an unconscious level, that this time you are not the helpless one.

It may also be that you have been taught or conditioned that doing this behavior will bring closeness, acceptance or some other emotional need that you may not have in your life at the moment. Or, you may have learned that by giving in, you will not be beaten or hurt more."




Edited by Ken Singer, LCSW (08/23/07 08:59 PM)

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#175461 - 08/23/07 11:35 PM Re: new and recovering??? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
rumpole1954 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Orlando, FL
Jake,

I'm glad you made it over here to MS, and that you are finding it helpful.

Thinking about your story, a couple things struck me. One, that you blocked out what happened suggests, I suppose, that what happened was pretty traumatic stuff to begin with -- certainly just as traumatic for YOU as some of the more horrific sounding stories on here were for those who went through them. This could be as much about your sensitivity as anything else - sensitive people are simply more easily damaged. (I know in my case it was hard for me to see how "just" getting enemas from Mom could have the kind of impact on me that horrible rapes by strangers had on other guys, for example. But therapists will quickly point out that Mom is probably the most important figure in our young lives, and betrayal of that relationship can indeed produce profound results, and I am living proof).

Second, the reaction you got from your father makes me think that young Jake probably would have felt blamed by Dad for what happened. Not just that Dad was disgusted, not just that he felt Jake was contaminated and distanced himself, but also that he blamed you as well (or, that you may have fundamentally interpreted his response in that way, at least). Maybe i'm off base here, and if so, please disregard it, but that's what struck me. It's bad enough being victimized, but to also feel blamed for what happened would be a double whammy, particularly by Dad, who is pretty important in the pecking order too.... It's tough stuff, amigo.

Again, glad you are here.
Rob


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#175521 - 08/24/07 07:12 AM Re: new and recovering??? [Re: rumpole1954]
jakemed Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 37
Hey Rob...I have thought about that alot...that I blocked out the abuse because it was so horrific and that is kind of scary to think about. I don't think I was anally raped because that would have hurt a great deal, I think or hope I would remember that, but I just don't know. But, I do remember standing in my front yard back then and thinking of what happened and not really feeling it was wrong. The attention, the touch, the overall (needed)feelings I had from that abuse outweighed the sense that it was wrong.

Although my father is a completely different father, he changed and learned a great deal along his way, he fucked me up emotionally way before the out-of-the-house abuse started. I felt I never measured up, never even came close. I don't remember one single time growing up where he displayed honor, love or ever touched me in a loving way. I always felt he was ashamed of me and held me at arms length, both physically and emotionally. I viewed him back then as the punisher. He was the one who delved out the punishments of our transgressions. Alot of yelling, humiliation and belt whippings. I can't say he ever really bodily harmed us, but looking back at it, he came very close in those whippings...

oh, absolutely, I felt he blamed me for a lot of my abuse...he never said it...but agin, he never really talked to me about anything...

it is amazing how all this shit just flows out of you sometimes.

thanks for your response...jake


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